Once again, I come full circle... back to the place I started. Thank goodness I'm not typing this at a ghastly 280 lbs, but my success has halted, and I've been halfheartedly pursuing my weight loss goals.
I really want to get to 100 lbs lost by Christmas, but I seem to have ho-hummed the entire process recently. I've been bouncing between 195 and 200 lbs for the last 3+ weeks... UGH. I am so discouraged in myself. I've lost my focus and direction... I haven't gone to the gym in a couple of weeks, which is probably while I feel like a pile of shit 24/7.
I'm tired, my face is breaking out, I've got aches in my legs and arms and joints, I'm bloated... I just don't feel amazing. And I know it's from my lack of commitment.
I haven't worn my FitBit for a few days, so I haven't been monitoring my activity... well, not that it would matter, as my effort has been virtually non-existent. I know I need to be making it to 10,000 steps a day, and I just haven't been committed to trying.
I'm sort of back at square one - refocus.
Why am I doing this? What do I want to accomplish? Am I happy with the way things are right now? What would I change? What do I want the next week to look like? The next month? The next 2 months? The next 6 months? The next year?
So a prerequisite [in my mind] for refocusing is hitting (we'll call it) 'rock-bottom.' A place where you're insanely disgusted with yourself, where you can hardly take in your reflection in the mirror because the sight of the person there makes you feel slimy and horrible. Once you've reached that point, you can really sit back and evaluate what's going on in a raw and honest manner.
Right now when I look in the mirror, I see a quitter... I see someone who started the race, and some point in the middle decided to sit down on the sidelines and watch a butterfly flit from flower to flower, and then said person decided to have a long-winded conversation about the colors of the rainbow... or something else stupid like that. I see someone who hasn't given life her all lately, and someone who's made excuses for her behavior based on false assumptions and imaginary life.
I'm finding it harder to see the woman who dropped 80 lbs in 8+ months, and who stuck with it even when the going got tough. Right now I'm seeing someone who doesn't mind giving in and consuming that bag of nachos, even though she knows she shouldn't be touching them at all.
I know this may sound dumb and self-centered, but when I look in the mirror I feel fat and I look fat. When you commit to making this big life change, you really get to know your body. You get to know when it's bloated or when it's angry at that extra piece of cheese you ate willy nilly. You know these things. Just like I feel and know how my body's reacting to my lack of interest in it lately... translation: I look fat. Between the unnecessary mental stress that I managed to put on myself in the past 3+ weeks (unrelated) and my inattention to what's going in my body, I've managed to bloat and distort my body into a "fat" smaller version of my old self. BLAH!
This is not okay. These habits CAN NOT stick around. Emotional eating must go. My self-destructive tendencies are getting old and are screwing with my success rate.
I really want to lose my 100 lbs by Christmas... at this rate, I don't know that it's possible... So I have about 9 weeks, and at a rate of 2 lbs a week, it is definitely attainable. I really want to do this... I know it doesn't seem that way right now, and I'm certainly not acting like I give a flying crap about my health at the moment, but I DO care, and I do want to succeed and be the best me that I can.
I think I need to make a revised list of why I want to lose the weight... that way the goal becomes important to me again, as right now I feel far removed from it. That is what I will do... start a new list.
Thanks for listening!!
