Well, today is the day I've been waiting 13+ months for... actually, it's the day I've been dreaming my whole life about. The day when I step on the scale and realize that 100 lbs of me is gone.
I just need to stop and think about that for a second. 100 lbs - as in, that's about how much my sister-in-law weighs. I basically lost the weight of a small human being off of my body in a little over a year.
I'm having so many mixed emotions and feelings about this whole thing. Part of me wants to cry every time I think about it, because I'm so horrified with how I got to such a bad, unhealthy place. Part of me can't believe that I've spent a year dedicating myself to not eating sugars and gluten, and restricting my caloric intake nearly every day. Part of me is surprised that I stuck to it for this long and didn't throw in the towel last February when I realized how many calories were in one serving of gluten-free brown rice pasta and when my attempt at a gluten-free cauliflower pizza crust failed miserably. Part of me is shocked that I am finally at the point where I reach CONSISTENTLY for fruits and vegetables over any other dish at the table (besides chicken... I love me some chicky chick). This from the girl that everyone in my family dubbed the pickiest eater - the one who hated all fruits and vegetables, who couldn't even gag down an onion to save her life. Part of me is bursting with pride and joy for this huge accomplishment - for all of the sweat, tears, determination, commitment, perseverance and patience that it took to get here. Part of me is intimidated for the future - I've spent a year working towards this day - what do I have to work towards now? Part of me is scared for what comes next - and for how difficult the last stretch of weight loss will be, since I'm so close to a 'healthy' weight for my body type.
100 lbs. Gone. I cried in Josh's arms this morning after my early morning weigh-in routine. I don't remember ever weighing this 'little,' and to be honest, I think the last time I weighed less than 180 lbs, I was in Junior High School - maybe even middle school or elementary school. I've never been a 'little' girl, and so I never really kept track of what I weighed or whether or not it was 'normal.' I didn't really care. And while I don't think it should ever define me, I think that understanding the relationship between the number on the scale and poor nutritional and lifestyle habits are key to rectifying a situation like mine before it gets out of hand.
It still shocks me when I need a warm hoodie, and go into Josh's closet and grab one of his cozy sweaters. I pull it on, and it's like a sack - it hardly warms me as it hugs literally zero surface area of my curves. That same sweater a little over a year ago was a monster for me to zip up - I had to pry the two edges together and try to strategically zip it up quickly to get it closed, and even then, the front stretched uncomfortably over my girth. It never ceases to shock me when I grab a size medium from the rack in the store (out of habit), and immediately have to go back to find a small because a medium is simply too bulky.
Just because I've reached my FIRST big goal, doesn't mean I'm done with my healthy lifestyle or my weight loss. I'm still not at a medically healthy body weight, nor am I in the shape (physically) that I want to be. I still have emotional boundaries and chasms to cross with regards to my food addiction and I'm still in the process of breaking old habits and forming new healthy patterns and behaviors to replace the old.
But at this point, I don't think it's AS beneficial for me to be weighing myself every day, or focusing on the numbers lost. The thing is, my weight loss is going to slow down now - I have a significantly smaller percentage of body weight to be losing from, and it'll be slow - especially since I'm gaining muscle mass with regular strength training. I still think that weighing in once a week, even once every two weeks, will keep me on track - striving to reach whatever goal I decide on, but I think that it's healthier for me to focus on how I'm feeling and maintaining my lifestyle in a God-pleasing way instead of being frustrated or elated based on what the scale tells me in the morning. That'll be a hard habit to break, but I think it's necessary for me to part ways with my scale - at least for periods of time, so I can focus on all that God is doing in my life to better my health - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Essentially I'm so proud and elated with my progress and success. It's been such a long journey with ups and downs, but I've done it - I've made it to this first huge milestone! And so I know that I can do this and that it's not impossible.
I'm so thankful for everyone who has been unconditionally supportive and encouraging. I know that my lifestyle hasn't always made sense or been the most convenient, but you don't know how much I appreciated all of your efforts to make my life easier and the temptations smaller. I am beyond grateful to my husband who held me every time I cried when my life fell apart between September and December. He stood by me and encouraged me every single day - never once questioning my desire to purchase $30 worth of apples from Coop or the $8 jars of almond butter from Superstore. He always kept my best intentions at heart, and provided me with unconditional love and support the entire way. He held my hand and encouraged me when others' comments brought me down, he hyped me up to go to the gym - going out of his way to pick me up and drop me off, just so I'd actually go. He celebrated in my successes and remained optimistic despite my setbacks. I really have no words to describe how deeply indebted I am to him for his unconditional faithfulness and love throughout this long and difficult road to change. I'm also incredibly grateful for my Father in Heaven who stood by in the background and let me take the glory, even though my success is owed completely to Him. He walked me through the rough patches and carried me over the chasms. He celebrated with me, and cried alongside me... He is my rock, my constant. The One who cheers me on because I'm doing this for the right reasons, and continually stands around the corner waving His arms and giving me the boost to carry on.
Like I said, I still have a ways to go - weight wise, and health wise. But I'm not done. And this journey isn't over - it's a lifetime of change ahead of me. Not something to take up and then quit. This is my life now - this is how things will be from now on. I'm excited and happy with these changes, and look forward to continuing on this path.
