The Life of Ginger: Comparison Post

I didn't always realize that I had a weight problem, I mean, not in the way I should've. I always defined myself as a "big-boned, good German stock" sort of girl. The kind that was 'just bigger than the other girls. I began to develop a loud and vibrant personality to mask my physical insecurities about my weight, heck - if my personality is too big for the room maybe people wouldn't judge how big I was or maybe my obnoxiousness will distract them from comparing me to themselves. My personality continually grew to fit my growing body, I was a thigh-slapping, first-to-admit-I-could-sit-on-you-and-kill-you kind-of lady, and I was all right with that. That being said, I never hated myself - I just suppressed my insecurities and planted an emotional flower garden of obnoxious, distracting colors and textures, to draw attention away from the obvious 'elephant in the room' situation.

It's not until recently that I began to discover that my personality, while still incredibly exuberant and full of attitude and no-nonsense-isms, is not solely based on an obnoxious display of attention-grabbing theatrics meant to draw my audience's attention away from my bulging waistline. It's a really big emotional and spiritual struggle to hash out these feelings, and really delve into the truth behind so many years of masking who I really was for fear of being made fun of or being judged for my size.

I often recall an incident way back in elementary school, when I was in Grade 5 or 6. I had worn a pair of black stretchy cotton 'shorts' to school, ones that hit just above my knee. They were stretched fairly taut over my large thighs, but I didn't feel uncomfortable or self-conscious about them at all - why should I? I was just a kid. I was sitting at my desk, doing math questions, minding my own business, when one of my classmates - a girl much larger than me (at the time) - walked up to me, groupie in tow, and told me that I shouldn't be wearing shorts 'that short' and that they made me look fat anyways. The two girls stood over my desk laughing and gloating, and I remember a burst of emotions that sent me running from my classroom to the principal's office. I wasn't sure what I was going to do there, but I knew I had to get away from the hurtful remarks my classmate had just dumped on me. Fortunately, one of my teachers pulled me into the principal's office, and crouched between my legs and looked me in my eyes and told me that I was beautiful. I remember crying more at that point because I certainly didn't feel beautiful or special. She told me that I didn't have to worry about what other people thought, because I was wonderful and beautiful always. That was a big turning point in my life in many ways - I remember cultivating a new stronger personality to shield me from destructive and hurtful comments in the future, as well as adopting the mentality that I was beautiful and wonderful and that no one could dictate who I would be. A powerful combination, if you ask me. And so the obnoxious, loud, resilient Rebecca was born.

Going through old pictures helps me remember some of the feelings that I buried deep inside me over the years, always using my personality as a cover-up for my insecurities and uncomfortable-ness with my weight.

My weight started getting very out of control, mid-to-late 2012. I was ballooning at an alarming rate, as evident by the pictures you'll see included below. It's hard to look at... to realize that I was in such a state of unhealth and disarray, that it was written clearly across my face and waistline for the whole world to see. The transformation is incredible - I am often shocked when people tell me that they don't recognize me anymore. I can't conceive changing so much as to not be recognized by family and friends, but honestly, comparing the pictures from 2010 to my reflection in the mirror today, I'm hardly the same person I was physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, that I was one, even two years ago. It's been a complete transformation from ground up.

One last note to leave you on before I leave you to the copious amount of pictures following... A few months ago, an acquaintance came up to me and told me how fabulous I was looking. She asked me about what I was doing, and told me that I looked phenomenal. It's always nice to hear compliments like that, and not always followed up with, "but not that you didn't always look beautiful" or "you were always gorgeous, but..." However, it's what she said to me following that really left a mark on my heart. She hugged me close and told me that I looked happy. Not that I wasn't a happy girl before, but that I seemed truly more happy than I'd been in a long time. I had to think about that, because it was so true. I've always been happy, but I'm happier now because my weight isn't a defining characteristic of me anymore. I'm not "Rebecca - the good German stock" or "Rebecca - divalicious redhead with ham thighs" or "Rebecca - the tank" or "Rebecca - the beast" or "Rebecca - flat-chested, voluptuous goddess." I'm Rebecca - the redhead who loves her life and her family and her friends and her God. I'm defined by all of the things that make me me, without being held back or categorized by my weight. It's so freeing and makes me feel like a reborn version of my old self.

The Before
2010