Pregnancy Ponderings - What is wrong with Mommy!?

I have to admit, I never actually thought that this would ever happen to me. I've been told most of my life that having children would be extremely difficult and frustrating, that it would take time and doctors and medication and treatment, and even then - there are no guarantees. I've basically set myself up for failure - crying to Josh numerous times because I'm the one that's broken, not him. How many times must God have shed tears to hear me speak of myself as defective and broken? How many times must His heart have broken when I shortchanged Him and His almighty power?

Yesterday, I could not stop crying. I mean, for good reason. Awww, crap - now I'm crying again. What's so crazy, is that I've only known this little person for only a week. And in that short amount of time, I've fallen hopelessly in love with baby. I look forward to it's daily acrobatics and little taps, letting me know it's there, and that it needs me. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know it's name, I don't know the color of it's hair or eyes... I know nothing about it. And yet I love it.

The ultrasound yesterday made all of this real. I'm sure not many of you can understand the sort of wild emotions and processing that goes on when you find out you're pregnant this far in, and then all of a sudden your entire world is turned upside down as you can start feeling baby move, and you're ballooning out in all directions, and things that didn't use to hurt now do, etc. etc. But honestly, even with all of that, I never expected to lose what was left of my heart with one glance of a shadowy ultrasound profile picture. And now it's all gone. Anything I had saved up in me, has now been sold to the little baby taking up residence in my abdomen.

I've never seen anything so beautiful and helpless in all my life - nor something that made me want to weep uncontrollably and shout from the rooftops all at the same time. It's like a switch has been flicked on - a fire in my heart that would do anything for this little creature that I've known a few days longer than I've known the sunshine on my face here in our city. This sweet little munchkin doesn't even have a name - and I love it more and want it more than I want my next breath.

And it's going to be so confused, because all Mommy does is cry lately. But they're happy tears, happy and scared Mommy tears. Happy because my whole life has lead up to this - being a mom is my career path, I've always known it. Scared because I'm baffled at how, in such a short period of time, your heart can find this wild, fierce, reckless love for someone with white hair and fused-shut eyelids and tiny toes and fingers, who weighs a little more than a large mango and is about as long as an ear of corn.

I cannot help but sob literally every time I thank God for this miracle. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving, for such a loving and caring Father who provides for us always and guides our paths. For a loving Savior who hears our prayers and heartfelt cries, who blesses us even when we don't deserve to be blessed. For a compassionate Deliverer, who saves us from ourselves, and gives us hope and new life, though we walk through the valley. My heart is so full - for a God who loves me and never leaves me, for a husband who gave such a precious part of himself to me, and for this baby who is an answer to so many prayers that I thought were lost in translation or forgotten about. For all the blessings that have been poured on my head, that I surely have not earned nor deserved. For family and friends who have listened to me cry and whine and rant, and all the while prayed for me and continue to pray for me and my family.

Though the skies are grey and gloomy today, I am filled with light. The light of Christ and the light of new life. Today is a day to be thankful and grateful for all God has given us. For the small things and for the big things. Today is a day to celebrate His mercy and grace to us, because we are sinners and fall short of His glory, and yet He loves us and cares for us, and knows what we need even before it is on our lips. He is generous and compassionate and overflowing in goodness. And while I am the worst of all sinners, I am a walking testament that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. Though we may not see it or know it right away, He always loves us, always protects us, and always works for our benefit.

Thank you, God. Prepare me. Protect me, and Josh, and baby. Make me the kind of mom you want me to be. Help me to be kind and patient and peaceful, overflowing in mercy and grace and selflessness, looking to You as my source of wisdom and guidance. I cannot promise this child the world, because I am the worst of sinners; but I can offer this baby me at my best and my weakest - because in my weakness You are made strong, Lord, and Your best is far greater than what I could ever provide this little one with. Help me not to cling to this child too closely, for he/she is Yours first and foremost, and I am but it's privileged guardian as appointed by You. With Your strength, God, I ask that Josh and I be the best parents we are capable of being. I ask that You consistently remind me to lean on You and not on my own understanding, because things always work out better when You're in charge. Keep baby safe and healthy - forgive me for being selfish and self-focused, not listening to You, and in turn, not giving our baby the care, love and attention it so deserved in it's early days. Help baby to forgive me too. Help it to know that I love it more than my own life, and that I would willingly give up my own life and body for it and Daddy. Father, mold me. Make me more like You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

One Preggo Mama

So, I'm pregnant. And I'm 23 weeks pregnant. And I only found out 4 days ago. Yikes! The baby is due July 30, 2014, and while we are absolutely over the moon, it only gives us a mere 4 months to prepare. Baby weighs just over a pound, and is the size of a large mango/grapefruit. AHHH!

With a 1 lb mango for comparison!

First, we want to give total honor and glory to God for this amazing opportunity. While finding out this late is certainly not ideal, He had a reason for everything happening the way it did, and we are so thankful and grateful for His provision and safe-keeping for the past five months. God has blessed us with our very own one-of-a-kind miracle, and we will never be able to thank Him enough for the privilege to raise this child together.

On Monday, I felt God nudging me to go take a pregnancy test. I was absolutely baffled, but I went to Shoppers and bought the cheapest test humanly possible (that being an $11.49 Life brand test on sale... holy moley, are pregnancy tests expensive!). I actually took the test in the washroom at my office, and lo! A positive test. That being said, I noticed that something weird was going on with my body. In the past week I'd 'bloated' really bad, and it wouldn't go away. I mean, I eat the same thing every day, never exceed 1000 mg of sodium in a day, and drink tons of water. So the bloating was very strange to me... In addition, I'd been feeling 'movement' in my tummy - not gas bubbles, but something different, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. After I took the HPT, I went to the doctor and took a test, and the confirmed that I was pregnant. They gave me a requisition for an ultrasound, and home I went. I had originally booked the ultrasound for Monday, April 7, and then decided I was too impatient to wait, so we rescheduled for Wednesday this week and got the shock of our lives when the ultrasound technician told us that I was 23 weeks along, and due around July 30th. 

A lot of people are probably wondering how I managed to make it this far without realizing I was pregnant. If any of you figure it out, please let me know - I'm dying to know how I missed a fetus taking up space in my body for the past 5 months as well... Haha, but no seriously. The long and short of it is that I have a ton of health issues - for anyone who knows me, they know I'm a walking disaster. The weight I've lost has been hugely beneficial, but has also thrown my body into shock - as it tried to normalize and function the way a 'healthy' weighted body should function. 

That being said, back in early- to mid-October, I thought I was pregnant. I took a bunch of tests, even went for an ultrasound, just to make sure I wasn't getting false negatives. The thing was, at that time, I was exhibiting every stereotypical pregnancy symptom known to man, with no explanation. Mere weeks later, we conceived - unbeknownst to us - and so the pregnancy symptoms that I'd been experiencing earlier in October continued, even though this time, I actually was pregnant. I had NO clue.

I was nauseous October/November, but that subsided soon thereafter. I was very hungry earlier this year, and couldn't figure out why - and while I never refused myself food when I was hungry, I can't believe I maintained such huge self-control considering the fact that my body was making a baby the whole time. That would also explain why I was so tired earlier this year - to the point of physical exhaustion - I could sleep anywhere at any time. In January, I started experiencing severe sinus issues - despite flushing my sinuses with a saline solution twice a day, nothing helped. Every day (even now), I experience headaches - which are untouched by medication. Currently, I only experience mild nausea when the baby squishes my stomach - especially after eating. Over the past two weeks, I've noticed an incredible increase in frequency and intensity of movement - this little one takes after his active father, that's fo sho. And it's only been in the past week and a half that I've actually started to show - but every day I wake up and my 'baby bump' is larger than the previous day. That being said, I definitely do not look like I'm harboring a 23-week baby in my stomach. In my opinion, it looks like I got a little cray cray eating cheesecake and other such indulgent food.

 

 

I haven't had many cravings over the past 5 months... when I first got pregnant, I was on an apple kick. I would eat about 8 apples a day, and couldn't get enough of them. Around February, I lost myself in melons - watermelons, cantaloupes, and honeydew. And recently I've really had a hankering for eggs. Over the past week, I've found myself craving lactose-free, sugar-free vanilla ice cream.

Some people are probably worried about how the baby is doing considering my lifestyle and diet. The baby is perfectly fine - developmentally on track, as far as the ultrasound goes. I've spoken to my doctor and naturopathic doctor about my diet and lifestyle, and both are in full agreement that not only has the weight loss significantly benefited my pregnancy, but in not knowing I was pregnant for so long, my diet is probably one of the only things that has kept the baby as healthy as it is, considering the lack of medical care and intervention I've had. Again, I never starved myself - any time I was hungry, I ate. I did not overindulge, but I satisfied my hunger with healthy and nutritious alternatives. I drink more than enough water, and take vitamins and supplements daily to supplement those nutrients that I don't get through my diet. Since finding out that I'm pregnant, I have started taking a prenatal vitamin, and I've also allowed myself an extra 300 calories per day to accommodate the rapidly growing baby in my belly. That being said, most days I'm not hungry enough to eat all 300 extra... but I do my best to accommodate my hunger and my baby. My weight is where it should be at this point in the pregnancy, and from here on I'll be gaining weight with the growing baby - and that's okay with me :)

We could have found out the gender of the baby on Wednesday at the ultrasound, but were unable to as the baby was extremely active. We're hoping to find out at the next ultrasound :)

Like I mentioned earlier, Josh and I are still in shock, but we're over the moon. Anyone who knows me knows that my life-long dream has been to be a mom, and the discouragement and frustration I've experienced over the past couple of years in not having the opportunity fall into my lap has been really hard. I'm elated that my time has finally come, and that after years of knowing what I wanted to do in life, I actually get to DO it. It's hard watching everyone else go to school and graduate and get jobs in their fields of choice, knowing what careers they want to pursue and achieving them. For so long I have known that my career in life is to be a mom, and I finally get to be one!! And while I'm sure the magnitude of how our lives are going to change in a matter of months hasn't fully hit us yet, Josh and I are elated to be parents.

I'm so honored, privileged and humbled to be the mother of Josh's child. I couldn't ask for a better husband, friend or partner in this very wild, crazy, and unexpected adventure - and I know he's going to be an amazing father to any and all children God blesses us with.

So that sort of wraps up our story in a very small nutshell. If you have more questions or want to chat about it, please come and chat with us or give us a call or drop us an email. Yay! Babies everywhere!