I have to admit, I never actually thought that this would ever happen to me. I've been told most of my life that having children would be extremely difficult and frustrating, that it would take time and doctors and medication and treatment, and even then - there are no guarantees. I've basically set myself up for failure - crying to Josh numerous times because I'm the one that's broken, not him. How many times must God have shed tears to hear me speak of myself as defective and broken? How many times must His heart have broken when I shortchanged Him and His almighty power?
Yesterday, I could not stop crying. I mean, for good reason. Awww, crap - now I'm crying again. What's so crazy, is that I've only known this little person for only a week. And in that short amount of time, I've fallen hopelessly in love with baby. I look forward to it's daily acrobatics and little taps, letting me know it's there, and that it needs me. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know it's name, I don't know the color of it's hair or eyes... I know nothing about it. And yet I love it.
The ultrasound yesterday made all of this real. I'm sure not many of you can understand the sort of wild emotions and processing that goes on when you find out you're pregnant this far in, and then all of a sudden your entire world is turned upside down as you can start feeling baby move, and you're ballooning out in all directions, and things that didn't use to hurt now do, etc. etc. But honestly, even with all of that, I never expected to lose what was left of my heart with one glance of a shadowy ultrasound profile picture. And now it's all gone. Anything I had saved up in me, has now been sold to the little baby taking up residence in my abdomen.
I've never seen anything so beautiful and helpless in all my life - nor something that made me want to weep uncontrollably and shout from the rooftops all at the same time. It's like a switch has been flicked on - a fire in my heart that would do anything for this little creature that I've known a few days longer than I've known the sunshine on my face here in our city. This sweet little munchkin doesn't even have a name - and I love it more and want it more than I want my next breath.
And it's going to be so confused, because all Mommy does is cry lately. But they're happy tears, happy and scared Mommy tears. Happy because my whole life has lead up to this - being a mom is my career path, I've always known it. Scared because I'm baffled at how, in such a short period of time, your heart can find this wild, fierce, reckless love for someone with white hair and fused-shut eyelids and tiny toes and fingers, who weighs a little more than a large mango and is about as long as an ear of corn.
I cannot help but sob literally every time I thank God for this miracle. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving, for such a loving and caring Father who provides for us always and guides our paths. For a loving Savior who hears our prayers and heartfelt cries, who blesses us even when we don't deserve to be blessed. For a compassionate Deliverer, who saves us from ourselves, and gives us hope and new life, though we walk through the valley. My heart is so full - for a God who loves me and never leaves me, for a husband who gave such a precious part of himself to me, and for this baby who is an answer to so many prayers that I thought were lost in translation or forgotten about. For all the blessings that have been poured on my head, that I surely have not earned nor deserved. For family and friends who have listened to me cry and whine and rant, and all the while prayed for me and continue to pray for me and my family.
Though the skies are grey and gloomy today, I am filled with light. The light of Christ and the light of new life. Today is a day to be thankful and grateful for all God has given us. For the small things and for the big things. Today is a day to celebrate His mercy and grace to us, because we are sinners and fall short of His glory, and yet He loves us and cares for us, and knows what we need even before it is on our lips. He is generous and compassionate and overflowing in goodness. And while I am the worst of all sinners, I am a walking testament that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. Though we may not see it or know it right away, He always loves us, always protects us, and always works for our benefit.
Thank you, God. Prepare me. Protect me, and Josh, and baby. Make me the kind of mom you want me to be. Help me to be kind and patient and peaceful, overflowing in mercy and grace and selflessness, looking to You as my source of wisdom and guidance. I cannot promise this child the world, because I am the worst of sinners; but I can offer this baby me at my best and my weakest - because in my weakness You are made strong, Lord, and Your best is far greater than what I could ever provide this little one with. Help me not to cling to this child too closely, for he/she is Yours first and foremost, and I am but it's privileged guardian as appointed by You. With Your strength, God, I ask that Josh and I be the best parents we are capable of being. I ask that You consistently remind me to lean on You and not on my own understanding, because things always work out better when You're in charge. Keep baby safe and healthy - forgive me for being selfish and self-focused, not listening to You, and in turn, not giving our baby the care, love and attention it so deserved in it's early days. Help baby to forgive me too. Help it to know that I love it more than my own life, and that I would willingly give up my own life and body for it and Daddy. Father, mold me. Make me more like You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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