I'm sure this seems entirely redundant - who doesn't have resolutions to bring into the new year? We all want to be healthier, skinnier, wealthier, kinder... we want to read more, play more, relax more, work less... We've got resolutions coming out of the ying yang, but do we actually intend to follow through with them? Or are they just dreams we offer up in the hopes that maybe the good witch Glenda will happen upon our way and wave her sparkly pink wand over our lives and rectify all the wrongs and grant us the picturesque bodies we've always been dreaming of...?
This year, like last, I'm going hard or going home. I will not be going down without a fight.
Last year was an amazing year for me in so many ways. Not only did I get a head start on the path toward the me I've always wanted to be, but I learned so much about myself and grew in ways I never conceived possible. There were many downs, especially towards the end of 2013, but they only sweetened the ups that I experienced when I was consistent and committed to succeeding and achieving my goals.
In one year, I lost 85.4 lbs from my frame. I completely overhauled the way I eat and my physical lifestyle. Now, that's not to say that things have gone swimmingly the entire year; I definitely had a 3-4 month relapse from September to December. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself that I couldn't get out of the mental rut I'd put myself in. I struggled daily with berating myself mentally for the failures I anticipated to befall me. I consistently put myself down in every way - I'd approach my lunch with an attitude of defeat, and would avoid filling out my food journal as I had no desire to know how many calories I was actually consuming in a day. Too much of a good thing is still a bad thing.
I remember one day going into Nutrition House at North Hill Centre, in need of a snack, as I hadn't packed adequate sustenance for my day at work. I went in planning on buying a single Quest protein bar, but when my eyes fell upon the section I noticed a large display of their new stock. In a craze, I bought 6 bars, "for later..." I told myself. Well I took those bars back to work, and consumed one at my desk. Five minutes later, I was already unwrapping my second one. Two hours later, I'd consumed a total of four bars. Then Josh and I went out for a supper of wings and burgers. After arriving home, I told myself I needed another protein bar... and ate two. In the space of 10 hours, maximum, I had consumed 6 protein bars totalling about 1200 calories and 120g of protein. It was a few weeks later that I had a huge breakdown. Well, let's be honest here, in the space of two weeks I had about three hysterical breakdowns. Unfortunately, my husband had to witness and console me through all of them.
I'd reached a point where I was so disappointed in myself. Nothing I was doing seemed to be working. I justified and excused every action/decision/choice I made until it seemed like not making that decision would be morally reprehensible. I cheated myself on all servings and meals - spooning a "little extra" helping on my plate about four times before making my way back to the kitchen table to eat. I put myself down at every turn, consistently expecting the worse. In doing so, I usually set such low expectations for myself (if setting any at all) that I would cause myself to self destruct by 10 am, and everything would spiral downwards from there. My frustration and disappointment was getting so overwhelming, I hardly knew how to cope with the feelings and thoughts I was dealing with on a regular basis. I seldom felt happy and I hated having Josh look at me, let alone hug me, as I felt that he must think as little of me as I felt about myself.
Now I don't want everyone to get their knickers in a twist - I wasn't hating on my body or my self-image. I was disappointed in who I'd become, what I'd become. Back when I started this journey last year, I had grown fed up with the girl who would eat an entire bag of chips in 10 minutes flat, while her family laughed and joked about the comedy of it all. I was someone who relied on food to fill an emotional void, and in the process abused my body to the point of obesity. I was lazy and passive. I was a person who had become okay with being complacent and someone who was okay throwing in the towel. And somehow, I had found myself slipping back to that mentality after September last year.
My frustration was entirely with my incapacity to stick to my goals, my inability to withstand the incredible strength of the temptations around me, my complacency with regards to my diet and lifestyle change, and the way I constantly put myself down before even giving myself a chance to get started. That's when my husband said to me, "you need to go back to the gym. Tomorrow, you're going and I'm going to take you." I told him that it wouldn't help, that my problem was in the food I was eating and the amount of food I consumed in a day, but I went anyways, rather reluctantly.
That first day back was brutal. My strength had all since deteriorated, and my technique was horrific. My stamina and endurance had piddled away to nothingness, and I could hardly remember how to do any of my exercises without having to consult my book repeatedly. I got into the car that night after my workout, and heaved a frustrated sigh. "I have such a long way to go..." I told Josh. "I can't help but think, what if I had just gone back to the gym and the past three months never happened...? Where would I be right now?" And that's when I realized that it was a start. The start and the push that I needed. If I threw in the towel now, I'd have to start all over again later. I would be building myself back, once again, from nothing and I knew that I couldn't bear to do it again.
I resolved to use only positive mental language when self-talking. I wouldn't use phrases like "I have to go to the gym," instead I insist on saying "I'm looking forward to going to the gym tonight" or "I'd like to go to the gym tonight." I make a point of telling myself how capable, confident and amazing I am - building myself up and creating an atmosphere of positivity and success in my head, where optimism and confidence thrive. I consider each day to feed and nourish myself correctly a blessing, not to mention the incredible gift it is to go to the gym as frequently as I'm doing to workout.
Since reclaiming my life a few weeks ago, I've started a daily journal. Not a food journal (though I still keep one of those every day as well), but a journal of my day. Each night before I go to bed, I make a point of jotting down any notes, successes/failures, problems, highlights, as well as making a list of 'goals' for the next day. Usually these goals are food/fitness related, as in 'staying under my calorie goal,' 'getting 10,000 steps,' 'behaving when out for supper,' and 'going to the gym.' I try to make these goals as reasonable and attainable as possible - then I can check them off as I achieve them, and it makes me feel more accountable for my actions. Not to mention the feeling of pride and achievement you get as you check all the items off of your goal list for the day.
It is in the wake of this reclamation of my life that I want to share with you my New Years resolutions for 2014. I find that sharing with others helps keep me accountable for my dreams, and makes them feel more solidified and official in the grand scheme of things. My key to success in 2014 is consistency.
#1. This is my year to get physically fit. That doesn't mean I'm going to be a ripped beast (though that would be fun!), but I do want 2014 to be a year highlighted by a significant increase in my level of physical activity. Now this is a fairly broad and general goal, so I've broken it down into some smaller more specific goals to work towards:
- Going to the gym consistently (between 4-6 times per week)
- Building my strength, endurance, stamina, etc.
- Getting 10,000 steps every day for one month (30/31 days in a row)
- Playing baseball with my in-laws this summer 2014
- Completing 70-100% of the hikes with my hubby on our 'hiking list for 2014' by December 31, 2014
#2. Getting my eating habits/behaviors, diet and binging under control. This means adhering to the program that has worked best for me throughout this all, and that's been PRISM. With my PCOS, weight doesn't come off easily, if at all, but the only thing that has consistently worked has been the PRISM weight loss program. That includes counting my calories daily, restricting my caloric intake, and cutting out some food items entirely. For some, this may seem extreme and cray-cray, but for me, it's what works and what has proven to be the most beneficial for my body. My goal for this year is to successful complete the program - all 4 phases (at 6 weeks per phase). This should take me to the end of June.
#3. FINALLY lose 100 lbs total (weighing in at 180 lbs or less) by April 30, 2014. Now, I think this is a fairly generous timeline, but I wanted to give myself extra time in the event that these last 15 lbs are incredibly stubborn and decide to stay close instead of falling off. I'm anticipating, however, that a more realistic timeline is to reach this weight by mid-February.
#4. Getting to my "right weight" (between 140-160 lbs approximately) by December 31, 2014. Also a pretty generous timeline, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be weight-wise. I've never been in an ideal place of health for my body, so it's really just a game of waiting to see what happens and going from there. It could take a while since I have a significantly smaller amount of weight to lose this time around, but then again it might not...
I've determined that failure is not an option for my New Years Resolutions. Sure there's a lot of them, but they're all achievable, and there's no reason why I can't see every one through to fruition by December 31. I'm tired of being disappointed and frustrated with myself, and I know that all of these goals are attainable, and I am JUST the girl for the job. So this year, I'm resolving to complete every one of my goals. I will not be quitting or giving up - I will not fail or lose. I will crush all of my goals into the ground and make this the best year for me yet.
Consistency will be my ally. I read a quote the other day that went something like this: "You are only as strong as you allow yourself to be. Never get discouraged. Consistency and dedication is the key to success." This shall be my mantra for the year, I've decided.
I wish you all the best in your New Year endeavors. You can do it. Don't let yourself be passive and trick yourself into thinking that it's just a dream you have. You're the only one who can control the outcome of this year. If you want to be more fit this year - DO IT. The only person standing in your way is you. If you want to take more time to relax and be with your family, GO FOR IT. Stop making excuses and justifying your passivity - MAKE THE TIME, MAKE THE CHANGE. I believe in you, now it's time for you to believe in yourself.
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