Lately, I've noticed some people getting a little unsettled about my weight loss. Some people ask me how much more weight I'm planning on losing, and they're shocked when I tell them that I still have another 30-50 lbs to go. Some people have read my blog post about my frustrations and struggles on my journey, and they're concerned because it sounds like I hate my body.
Because I love all of my friends and family, and I'm so thankful and grateful for their unconditional support and compliments, I want to set the record straight, which is why I'm writing this post. If you had any concerns about my self-esteem or my mental stability, maybe you're worried that I'm some weight-loss crazed freakazoid, this post is for you.
I understand how it could seem that I am weight-loss crazed, or that I can't think of anything besides losing the next pound. I can see how people might think that I am unhappy with my body and that all I see when I look in the mirror is areas to work on. I'm sorry if my posts or my journey has come off as anything but motivated by my health concerns.
As I've said before, I was Obese Class III at the beginning of my weight loss journey, tipping the scales at a whopping 280 lbs. Anyone who's anyone would agree that that was an incredibly unhealthy place to be.
That being said, I never hated myself. I have always believed that God had made me special and beautiful, and I figured I was just born to be a "big girl." Everyone told me I was "big boned" and that was why I was a bit larger, and that explanation satisfied me for most of my life. I never dieted when I was younger, though I did try being more active at certain points. I was always taking 'selfies,' and dressed sexy and wore makeup. Heck, I joked about my size with most everyone - who hasn't heard about my 'ham thighs,' whilst I emphatically slapped them!? At some point, however, I became unsatisfied and frustrated with my size. I started observing how I would take dozens and dozens of pictures of myself before I became satisfied with even one - the angle and lighting had to be just right, for me to look the size I wanted to in my picture. It was at a point like this that I realized that I wasn't comfortable with my size anymore.
Every doctor I saw, whether it be for a simple prescription or a full-blown physical, told me that I needed to lose weight. Eventually, it clicked. We bought an elliptical trainer right after we got married, and I tried 'dieting' at home. I tried Body by Vi (Visalus) shakes for a few months, and that failed. I kept doing research and looking for healthy and safe ways to lose weight, as well as familiarizing myself with the process - I wouldn't lose ten pounds a week, and I couldn't get discouraged and throw in the towel part way through the process. Eventually, I happened upon PRISM, and started the program.
I've NEVER tried to lose my excess weight in an unhealthy fashion. I haven't starved myself or overexerted myself to the point of exhaustion. I haven't abused medications or supplements with the expectation that I'd lose ridiculous amounts of weight. Anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE food. I eat all the time - I have clients and coworkers comment about how I'm "always eating."
I didn't start losing weight to be a more aesthetically pleasing person. I didn't decide to lose weight because I couldn't stand the sight of myself, or because I wanted to be more attractive to other people. I did it because I started considering where my life was going - 280 lbs is turning the corner to 300 lbs, a place I never wanted to be at.
I knew I was young and resilient, and to some extent I could reverse some of the unhealthy side effects I'd inflicted upon myself by carrying obscene amounts of excess weight on my frame. My doctor told me that I was in the prediabetic stages, and that they were considering putting me on Metformin to help me lose weight and postpone the onset of adult diabetes. I was on medication to control my asthma. My ankles were weak and my hips would lock and snap sporadically. I would toss and turn for hours in my sleep. I couldn't run or go up sets of stairs without becoming incredibly winded. I'd wear tank tops in the winter and still feel boiling hot, from all my excess weight. I'd single-handedly consume MULTIPLE bags of chips (full-size) in a sitting. I was known for eating six or more chocolate-covered granola bars in a day. I would eat four heaping servings of taco salad in an evening. I would bake a pan of brownies and eat 3/4 of the pan before Josh got home from work. I would hang dry ALL of my clothes, for fear that they would shrink and not fit properly anymore. I worried about wearing my rings to bed at night, for fear that I'd wake up unable to get them off my finger from swelling. I would drink 5 or more rum and cokes in an evening, just guzzling one after another after another.
I was in such an unhealthy place - food had become my god, my idol, my everything.
Today, I love who I am. I am proud of how far I've come, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement. Sure I've lost 80 lbs, but I'm still not at a place of ideal and optimum health for me. I still love my curves and my 'bat wings' and my 'pork roast' thighs, but I don't think it's okay to have excess globs of fat hanging from those areas of my body - this is why my weight loss journey is far from over. I understand that many girls in the world abuse their bodies in an attempt to lose weight to make themselves skinnier and prettier. That's not me. I'm not obsessed with my weight, and I'm not obsessed with weight loss. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to throw in the towel because 80 lbs is 'enough.' Today, I weigh 196 lbs. That is STILL not a healthy weight for me to be at. I am not going to quit part way to my goal because other people think that I look great, and they think that I've lost enough weight.
I am determined to be healthy. I want to be a picture of health and vitality. For that to happen, I need to lose 100 lbs AT LEAST. From there, we'll see what the next step is. My journey is all about re-evaluation and tweaking. I'm not planning on weighing in at 90 lbs - I'm not planning on having my ribs sticking out, and wearing size 0 jeans. I know I'll never be that tiny, but regardless of whether or not I have 'big bones,' my body is not meant to carry all of this excess weight, and I wasn't born to be a 'fat person.'
My inspiration is my sister, Stephanie. She and I are fairly similar in height, build and shape. That's not to say that we're identical, but we're close enough. My sister has an amazing, killer body. She's slim, but not sickly. She's got curves in all of the right places, and she looks like the picture of health - whether or not she thinks so. My sister is someone I want to resemble in size when I reach a healthy weight. NOTE: I am not trying to get to my sister's weight or size, but I feel like I can achieve a similar look with my body. I don't wish for her body, but if I had to tell you one person's body that I think is fierce, it's my sister's. So think about that - I'm not trying to be like Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. My fitness inspiration is a real person... my own sister.
In pursuing and actively maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle, the weight will fall off on it's own. When my body has sufficiently purged all of the excess weight, it will plateau and stop burning fat. It will be at that point that I will enter the 'maintenance stage' of my journey. It's not something I need to worry about or lose sleep over. My body is taking care of the weight all by itself. Someone commented on a phrase I posted on one of my previous blog posts - "I will never weigh more than I do today." This phrase is actually an integral pillar of the PRISM Weight Loss Program that I'm on. The phrase implies that so long as you're adhering to the program guidelines and completing your daily workbook lessons, the weight loss will take care of itself. It may be hard to believe, but as long as I was consistently following PRISM (from January 2013 to August 2013), I never gained an ounce. My weight may have stayed the same some days, I may even have plateaued at points, but I was consistently dropping pounds otherwise. This is why I hold the phrase "I'll never weigh more than I do today," close to my heart. I know each day that my weight loss is taken care of so long as I treat myself right and follow the guidelines. It makes following a program like this so easy. I don't have to do a single thing beyond measuring my food, logging my food and calories, and completing my workbook lessons.
This journey is not just one of weight loss, but one of changing my unhealthy habits and my poor coping strategies, especially with how I use food. The workbook lessons of PRISM address the emotional and mental barriers with overeating and overweight, and help you work through these issues so that you're able to begin using healthy coping strategies and changing the way you view and use food. I'm tired of abusing my body with food, and I want to change these struggles in my life.
So think what you want - that my journey should be done now, or that I'm fanatical because of my lifestyle choices. What's healthy for me, might not be healthy for you. You may have your opinions and your thoughts on what is best for me, but in the end, that's up to my doctor and I. If you have concerns about me, please let me know - I'm nothing if not open and honest about my entire journey, including my feelings and struggles of the moment. So I hope this helps, and eases your concerns and fears about me. My self-esteem has never been better, I'm loving living my life, and I'm happier when I'm being healthy. That's where this begins and ends - being healthy. One day, when we're blessed enough, I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to live until I'm old. I want to reverse any diseases I might have been heading towards. I want to spend more time at the fruit/veggie platter at parties than I do munching on donuts and chips. I want more self-control where food is concerned. I want to be healthy!! It's not wrong and it's not scary or something to worry about.
Thoughts, anyone?!
:)
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