The thing is, before I started this journey, I was beautiful. I felt beautiful inside and out - I never felt ugly or disgusting or repulsive. But one day I woke up and decided that I wasn't proud of the person I'd become - that doesn't just mean physically, but in my eating and activity habits (or lack thereof). I felt sinful and shameful, and like someone God wasn't very proud of. That's not to say that I thought that I was unloved by my heavenly Father, but I felt like He wasn't smiling on the way I'd let myself go. I certainly wasn't being a good steward of the body He had gifted me.
To be honest, I don't want to be talking with you about my weight loss journey or to show you a picture of me from a year ago, and to have you say to me, "you were beautiful then! You are beautiful now!" This journey is not one about beauty - it's about what's right, what's healthy, what's respectful and responsible.
I didn't start losing weight to become "more beautiful" or "prettier." I began this journey to change the person I'd become - someone lazy, apathetic and complacent with her life. I wanted to stop binge eating and abusing my body with food. I wanted to change my bad habits for the better. Sure, those characteristics can hinder one's true beauty from shining through, but I don't feel for a second that I didn't portray a sense of confidence and comfort with who I was then. When you try to reassure me that I was "beautiful then" and I'm "beautiful now," I feel like you're demeaning my journey to something as superficial and shallow as the worldly concept we know as "beauty." I feel like you're implying that this journey was one where I'm trying to reach a superior level of beauty instead of what the mission of this lifestyle change actually is. You know, in hindsight, I don't look back and see someone who was "beautiful" anyways. I see someone uncomfortable in her own skin, hiding behind her insecurities with a personality bigger than life (see pictures below... I doubt you'll disagree...)
I don't want your definition of beauty. I want you to recognize that I've made a healthy change, and I want you to cheer me on. I want you to acknowledge those days that I do look fabulous, but I don't want you to demean this journey to something as meaningless to me as whether or not I got more beautiful by shedding 80 lbs. I don't think I'm more beautiful now, but I do think that I'm a different kind of beautiful. I have found a kind of beauty that comes from confidence and a peace that has always eluded me. I feel empowered and healthy. I feel like a world of opportunities has opened up at my feet, and I feel overwhelmed with everything that I can do with my new body, things that I would never have dreamed of doing before. One of my closest friends gasped and said she got goosebumps when she first saw a particular picture of me from a year ago August - I'm sure it's not because she thinks that I look ugly back then, but I'm quite positive it's because I look almost nothing like the person I do now. That's not insulting or upsetting to me. You can think that I look like a completely different person - I think I look like a different person. That's just an added bonus of my changed lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the 'improved Rebecca' better than the me from a year ago. And how many times did I use the 'weight loss' feature on picture editors like PicMonkey.com over a year ago? Oftentimes, I'd edit the picture several times with that same function just to get my body looking 'normal' instead of being, well, obese. I don't even think about that now. I don't think that that sort of behavior is characteristic of someone who's comfortable in their body, let alone someone who's proud of what they look like...
I don't look in the mirror every day, checking myself out and oogling over how beautiful I've become. I ask myself whether or not I'm happy with the effort I put in the day before to continue on this journey to a healthier me. I ask myself if God would be proud of the effort I put forth, or whether He would rather I put in a little bit extra effort today. I want every day to be an opportunity to be a better me - because every day I'm given on this earth is an opportunity to be a better person for Jesus. Jesus wouldn't make an ugly person - He wouldn't put ugly people on this earth. People are a reflection of God - He hand-made every single one of us.
I don't post my pictures or stories to make people jealous or to have people congratulate me or comment on how 'hot' I am... I do it to encourage other people in a similar position as me. It's not impossible - there are other people out there going through struggles just like you. This hasn't been a cake walk (literally... I haven't had cake in so long... lol), but if you need someone to listen, I'm here. We're in this together. That's what I want my pictures and messages to do - inspire others. Not because I'm SO amazing, but because I know that God has blessed me with a HUGE life changing experience, one that I want to share with others. If I can help even one person to change their life for the better the way I have, then I've done my job.
These comparison pictures are hard pills to swallow. No one wants to look back and see themselves as the picture of unhealth and complacency - but that's where I was. I'm not by any means a picture of health and perfection now, but I'm getting there slowly, but surely...
So please, do me a favor. When I post something about my weight loss - don't tell me that I'm still as beautiful as I was a year ago. Don't tell me that God still loves me as much as He did before I lost the weight. I know you're trying to be kind, but it frustrates me more than anything. I'm still beautiful - but I'm more vibrant. I'm still happy - I just appreciate life more. I still smile - but my smile is more genuine now. I still have a big personality - but I'm not using it to cover up for my insecurities. I know that God loves me just as much as He ever did - but I also know that He's more proud of me than He was a year ago, and I know that He smiles a lot bigger when He sees me throwing off the sin of overeating and overweight, these that I've struggled with for my whole life. You can see that I'm not any happier than I used to be - but I am healthier and seem to be more a part of the moment, instead of an awkward fixture.
I just wanted to share - and I sincerely hope that nobody takes this the wrong way, but I think it's about time we get real. If you have questions or comments, I'd love to hear them :)
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