Ups and Downs

As with all things, ups and downs are a part of the journey. The downs make you appreciate the ups, and you learn and grow from your downs.

I know it's easy to assume that this journey of mine has been easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey - especially because I portray my weight loss as one colored by success and triumph, and I don't practice the humility that comes from letting people know about my struggles or weaknesses.

In light of how things have been going the last couple of weeks, I thought I might share how this road has been bumpy the last few weeks and maybe others could find common-ground and/or encouragement with me.

Needless to say, the past few weeks have sucked. I don't know exactly when it started or what happened, but all progress seems to have come to a stand-still. After I hit 80 lbs lost, I seemed to plateau - for whatever reason, I became complacent and started slacking off on my strict caloric intake and diet. I started experimenting with paleo recipes and found myself gleefully busting through the doors that these alternatives opened for me. 

As I've trekked along for the past 10 months, I've come to many realizations. I have a plethora of food intolerances that I've never known existed, on top of my exhaustive list of food and environmental allergies. I've come to realize that I can't consume durum semolina, caffeine, citrus fruits, flax, any flour or wheat (doesn't matter if it's white or brown...), or oatmeal. It seems like every day I'm finding new things to cut out or substitute for. It definitely sucks - I'm sure some of you can relate, but for those of you who can't - imagine going to your in-laws house for supper and having one of your favorite dishes - steamed broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce. You innocently and naively dig in, dousing everything on your plate in a 'healthy' (and most generous) helping of cheese sauce. After supper, you're content - just hanging out. And everything starts going awol - your insides start cramping, you're bloated and everything's gurgling. In my mind, I often compare myself to one of those cast-iron cauldrons: swollen and bubbling with some wild brew. Blech. For me, these spells take about 3 days to a week to work out of my system. Yup. So now I'm basically gluten intolerant and/or grain intolerant. Oh it's cool... it's how I roll.

This led me in pursuit of alternatives, especially in light of Canadian Thanksgiving mid-October. I didn't want to miss out on the traditional favorites, such as pumpkin pie. So I stumbled across Danielle Walker's Against All Grain cookbook, and then the obsession began. I had most of the ingredients already in my pantry, and so I began cooking and baking. It is thrilling and wonderful to cook foods for you AND your husband - meals and treats that you both enjoy, but that don't leave me feeling like a witch's cauldron by the stroke of midnight.

Unfortunately, this led me to a crazed obsession with eating as everything was inexplicably delicious. I could eat everything I made, so I'd eat it - nay, I'd overindulge in it. Needless to say, this has been going on for several weeks. My mentality was, "it's good for me! There's no harm in having a bit extra... Meh! Why not I finish off the whole pan... it's healthy!" Wrong. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, actually. I've single-handedly polished off whole loaves of pumpkin bread, 3+ portions of gluten-free lasagna or chicken parmesan in a sitting, etc. I also tried eating some gluten-free, sugar-free protein bars... but I have a feeling that the fun flavors (peanut butter, chocolate, cookie dough, etc.) coupled with the sucralose make me crazy for more... and so I lean on them as a crutch to get through the day instead of eating real, whole foods.

This leads me to this week - feeling bloated almost every day and barely able to move from the cramps that stab my sides when I stand up or walk. I feel like that proverbial cauldron from earlier. I'm in 'comfy clothes' today because I'm uncomfortable and feel obscene, not because I'm trying to be 'fall chic.'

I've gained 5 lbs in bloating from the accidental ingestion of some flour in the gravy at Swiss Chalet last night. Not to mention the 5 lbs I keep gaining and losing... I can't seem to get under the 195 lb mark and stay there. I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not getting 10,000 steps a day... I haven't been going to the gym. I wake up most days disappointed with myself, frustrated and disheartened with my situation. I know this may sound stupid and selfish, but after 10 months of weighing, measuring, and self-scrutinizing myself, you begin to see subtle differences in yourself that others wouldn't normally see. I can SEE the bloating and water-weight - and I don't like what I see. It's a struggle for me to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror lately... The tons of slack I've given myself is practically written across my forehead. I can't afford to go back from where I came - heck, I never want to go back.

I know that there is no one to blame for my situation but myself, but I just haven't been proactive enough to change the road I was on. I can't say that I haven't been motivated, because I don't believe that motivation is something that magically comes to you, or something that's just with us when we wake up in the morning. Motivation is something you make for yourself - something you choose to be. If this wasn't the case, how many of us would actually drag ourselves into work every day? Nothing would ever get done!! And it puts the responsibility on us - to be accountable for our actions (or misactions)...

This hasn't been a cake walk, and my journey is far from over. My big goal was to lose 100 lbs by Christmas 2013 - however, at this rate, I'm not sure that's even attainable. I could possibly achieve it by December 31, 2013, but I'm not sure... it could be a long shot.

My biggest frustrations of the moment are how I seem to be hungry all the time, or perhaps it's just that I'm thinking of food non-stop... I literally have to tell myself, "Okay... at 11:00, you can have XX to eat..." otherwise I'm consumed with the thought of eating. My other huge frustration is how I look chunky... like, when I started losing weight, I was all curvy and delicious shaped... now I look boxy and water-retentive or something... I don't know... And I'm frustrated because I've pushed the scale over the stupid 200 mark again... UGH!! So many frustrations... 

I suppose I should rejoice in these sufferings because it means I'm doing something worthwhile and that in the long run, I'm going to be a better, stronger person because of the trials I've had to work through. Fortunately, I have a fabulous husband who holds me close and tells me that it's going to be okay, not to mention the oodles of family and friends I have cheering me on towards the finish line.

I know that I can do this, but it's exhausting being beaten down so many times in a row - especially after running with my head held high for the past many months. This is not to say that I'm giving up, or that I have it harder than you... but sometimes it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat as you... someone else is struggling and feels frustrated and ugly and like that danged cast-iron cauldron... I know what it feels like! I am in the same spot as you - we're in this together! Sure it sucks now, but if you give in and stop trying at all, you're going to be worse off than where you are now... and while that seems like not such a bad idea in the moment, you'll hate yourself even more after you give in to your weaknesses. 

So I guess that's it... my little story. I hope that you feel stronger and more confident because of what I've written today. I hope that you finish reading this, and make today a better day than it was when you started. I pray that you're able to find peace and strength and clarity to move past your struggles and weaknesses, and that you can pursue your BIG dream and hand-write "victory" and "success" over every area of your life...

If you have questions or comments, please feel free to leave a comment below, or email me at re.ulmer@yahoo.ca. I'd love to help you out, or just listen if need be... 

Mucho love in your general direction.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!