Lately, I've noticed some people getting a little unsettled about my weight loss. Some people ask me how much more weight I'm planning on losing, and they're shocked when I tell them that I still have another 30-50 lbs to go. Some people have read my blog post about my frustrations and struggles on my journey, and they're concerned because it sounds like I hate my body.
Because I love all of my friends and family, and I'm so thankful and grateful for their unconditional support and compliments, I want to set the record straight, which is why I'm writing this post. If you had any concerns about my self-esteem or my mental stability, maybe you're worried that I'm some weight-loss crazed freakazoid, this post is for you.
I understand how it could seem that I am weight-loss crazed, or that I can't think of anything besides losing the next pound. I can see how people might think that I am unhappy with my body and that all I see when I look in the mirror is areas to work on. I'm sorry if my posts or my journey has come off as anything but motivated by my health concerns.
As I've said before, I was Obese Class III at the beginning of my weight loss journey, tipping the scales at a whopping 280 lbs. Anyone who's anyone would agree that that was an incredibly unhealthy place to be.
That being said, I never hated myself. I have always believed that God had made me special and beautiful, and I figured I was just born to be a "big girl." Everyone told me I was "big boned" and that was why I was a bit larger, and that explanation satisfied me for most of my life. I never dieted when I was younger, though I did try being more active at certain points. I was always taking 'selfies,' and dressed sexy and wore makeup. Heck, I joked about my size with most everyone - who hasn't heard about my 'ham thighs,' whilst I emphatically slapped them!? At some point, however, I became unsatisfied and frustrated with my size. I started observing how I would take dozens and dozens of pictures of myself before I became satisfied with even one - the angle and lighting had to be just right, for me to look the size I wanted to in my picture. It was at a point like this that I realized that I wasn't comfortable with my size anymore.
Every doctor I saw, whether it be for a simple prescription or a full-blown physical, told me that I needed to lose weight. Eventually, it clicked. We bought an elliptical trainer right after we got married, and I tried 'dieting' at home. I tried Body by Vi (Visalus) shakes for a few months, and that failed. I kept doing research and looking for healthy and safe ways to lose weight, as well as familiarizing myself with the process - I wouldn't lose ten pounds a week, and I couldn't get discouraged and throw in the towel part way through the process. Eventually, I happened upon PRISM, and started the program.
I've NEVER tried to lose my excess weight in an unhealthy fashion. I haven't starved myself or overexerted myself to the point of exhaustion. I haven't abused medications or supplements with the expectation that I'd lose ridiculous amounts of weight. Anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE food. I eat all the time - I have clients and coworkers comment about how I'm "always eating."
I didn't start losing weight to be a more aesthetically pleasing person. I didn't decide to lose weight because I couldn't stand the sight of myself, or because I wanted to be more attractive to other people. I did it because I started considering where my life was going - 280 lbs is turning the corner to 300 lbs, a place I never wanted to be at.
I knew I was young and resilient, and to some extent I could reverse some of the unhealthy side effects I'd inflicted upon myself by carrying obscene amounts of excess weight on my frame. My doctor told me that I was in the prediabetic stages, and that they were considering putting me on Metformin to help me lose weight and postpone the onset of adult diabetes. I was on medication to control my asthma. My ankles were weak and my hips would lock and snap sporadically. I would toss and turn for hours in my sleep. I couldn't run or go up sets of stairs without becoming incredibly winded. I'd wear tank tops in the winter and still feel boiling hot, from all my excess weight. I'd single-handedly consume MULTIPLE bags of chips (full-size) in a sitting. I was known for eating six or more chocolate-covered granola bars in a day. I would eat four heaping servings of taco salad in an evening. I would bake a pan of brownies and eat 3/4 of the pan before Josh got home from work. I would hang dry ALL of my clothes, for fear that they would shrink and not fit properly anymore. I worried about wearing my rings to bed at night, for fear that I'd wake up unable to get them off my finger from swelling. I would drink 5 or more rum and cokes in an evening, just guzzling one after another after another.
I was in such an unhealthy place - food had become my god, my idol, my everything.
Today, I love who I am. I am proud of how far I've come, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement. Sure I've lost 80 lbs, but I'm still not at a place of ideal and optimum health for me. I still love my curves and my 'bat wings' and my 'pork roast' thighs, but I don't think it's okay to have excess globs of fat hanging from those areas of my body - this is why my weight loss journey is far from over. I understand that many girls in the world abuse their bodies in an attempt to lose weight to make themselves skinnier and prettier. That's not me. I'm not obsessed with my weight, and I'm not obsessed with weight loss. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to throw in the towel because 80 lbs is 'enough.' Today, I weigh 196 lbs. That is STILL not a healthy weight for me to be at. I am not going to quit part way to my goal because other people think that I look great, and they think that I've lost enough weight.
I am determined to be healthy. I want to be a picture of health and vitality. For that to happen, I need to lose 100 lbs AT LEAST. From there, we'll see what the next step is. My journey is all about re-evaluation and tweaking. I'm not planning on weighing in at 90 lbs - I'm not planning on having my ribs sticking out, and wearing size 0 jeans. I know I'll never be that tiny, but regardless of whether or not I have 'big bones,' my body is not meant to carry all of this excess weight, and I wasn't born to be a 'fat person.'
My inspiration is my sister, Stephanie. She and I are fairly similar in height, build and shape. That's not to say that we're identical, but we're close enough. My sister has an amazing, killer body. She's slim, but not sickly. She's got curves in all of the right places, and she looks like the picture of health - whether or not she thinks so. My sister is someone I want to resemble in size when I reach a healthy weight. NOTE: I am not trying to get to my sister's weight or size, but I feel like I can achieve a similar look with my body. I don't wish for her body, but if I had to tell you one person's body that I think is fierce, it's my sister's. So think about that - I'm not trying to be like Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. My fitness inspiration is a real person... my own sister.
In pursuing and actively maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle, the weight will fall off on it's own. When my body has sufficiently purged all of the excess weight, it will plateau and stop burning fat. It will be at that point that I will enter the 'maintenance stage' of my journey. It's not something I need to worry about or lose sleep over. My body is taking care of the weight all by itself. Someone commented on a phrase I posted on one of my previous blog posts - "I will never weigh more than I do today." This phrase is actually an integral pillar of the PRISM Weight Loss Program that I'm on. The phrase implies that so long as you're adhering to the program guidelines and completing your daily workbook lessons, the weight loss will take care of itself. It may be hard to believe, but as long as I was consistently following PRISM (from January 2013 to August 2013), I never gained an ounce. My weight may have stayed the same some days, I may even have plateaued at points, but I was consistently dropping pounds otherwise. This is why I hold the phrase "I'll never weigh more than I do today," close to my heart. I know each day that my weight loss is taken care of so long as I treat myself right and follow the guidelines. It makes following a program like this so easy. I don't have to do a single thing beyond measuring my food, logging my food and calories, and completing my workbook lessons.
This journey is not just one of weight loss, but one of changing my unhealthy habits and my poor coping strategies, especially with how I use food. The workbook lessons of PRISM address the emotional and mental barriers with overeating and overweight, and help you work through these issues so that you're able to begin using healthy coping strategies and changing the way you view and use food. I'm tired of abusing my body with food, and I want to change these struggles in my life.
So think what you want - that my journey should be done now, or that I'm fanatical because of my lifestyle choices. What's healthy for me, might not be healthy for you. You may have your opinions and your thoughts on what is best for me, but in the end, that's up to my doctor and I. If you have concerns about me, please let me know - I'm nothing if not open and honest about my entire journey, including my feelings and struggles of the moment. So I hope this helps, and eases your concerns and fears about me. My self-esteem has never been better, I'm loving living my life, and I'm happier when I'm being healthy. That's where this begins and ends - being healthy. One day, when we're blessed enough, I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to live until I'm old. I want to reverse any diseases I might have been heading towards. I want to spend more time at the fruit/veggie platter at parties than I do munching on donuts and chips. I want more self-control where food is concerned. I want to be healthy!! It's not wrong and it's not scary or something to worry about.
Thoughts, anyone?!
:)
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Frequently Asked Questions...
Lately, I've been getting a ton of questions about what exactly I'm doing to get healthier. People want to know how often I work out, what miracle pill I'm taking to lose all this weight...?
So here is a post for you guys - answers to your burning questions about what has worked for me.
My number one question is what are you doing to look so great? I'm incorporating several elements into my journey to health.
The first element is the PRISM Weight Loss Program - it's a Christian-oriented program that according to the website, "[is] based on the belief that people with weight problems and poor eating behaviors can be restored to emotionally whole, right-weighted individuals. Through the use of seven key principles, we desire to give everyone the ability to become the person they were created to be. Any program can help you lose weight, but most leave you unprepared to continue after weight loss. You must learn to accept and identify with the "TRUE YOU," the person you were created to be. PRISM® focuses on transforming your attitude about food, the activity of eating, and most important, your attitude about you! This attitude transformation will produce the right actions to support the person you were created to be!"
The second element I incorporate is care of the paleolithic diet, also known as the "caveman diet." As I truck along, I keep finding more and more foods that I do not tolerate well - namely caffeine, refined sugars, gluten, grains, etc. According to Wikipedia, the paleo diet "is based on the premise that human genetics have scarcely changed since the dawn of agriculture, and modern humans are genetically adapted to the diet of their Paleolithic ancestors. Therefore an ideal diet for human health and well-being is one that resembles this ancestral diet" and "consists mainly of fish, grass-fed pasture raised meats, eggs, vegetables, fruit, fungi, roots, and nuts, and excludes grains, legumes, dairy products, potatoes, refined salt, refined sugar, and processed oils." I am absolutely in love with the recipes from Danielle Walker at Against All Grain - they're easy and delicious.
The third element I throw in my healthy journey cocktail is 'clean eating,' but more specifically The Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno.
One of the second most frequently asked questions I get is, how much weight have you lost? Since January 2013, I've lost (to November 17, 2013) 84 lbs.
What is your goal weight? I don't have a 'goal' weight. For all of my adult life, I've been obese. I don't know what the ideal weight for my body would be. My initial goal when I started this journey (back in Jan 2013), was to lose 100 lbs. Since I started at 280 lbs, losing 100 lbs seems like a very attainable and realistic goal. Once I hit 180 lbs, I will be re-evaluating - where to go from there. I think that I could probably lose another 20-40 lbs to put be between 140 and 160 lbs, and I think that would be a healthy weight for me, if you take into consideration factors like my body type, the build of my bones, my genetics, my height, and my level of activity. I loosely base my goals on what the Body Mass Index (BMI) recommends for someone of my height, but I don't place huge emphasis on making sure that the BMI is happy with my weight:height ratio, as it hasn't proven to be the most accurate tool to determine your right weight.
What exercise/physical activity do you do to maximize your weight loss? I don't. I believe that achieving health for your body is primarily a function of the type of food, and the quantity of food you put into your body. It is followed by physical activity. I don't work out frequently, in fact, right now, I'm not really 'active' at all. My weight loss has primarily been a function of the type and quantity of food I choose to consume. That's not to say I don't think that physical activity is important, but I don't think that it's the be-all-end-all for you to lose weight. I love going to the gym and working out, but it's not how I achieve weight loss. When I was consistently going to the gym back in the summer, I was attending 3-4x/week, where I'd do 30 minutes of cardio, and then 50-60 minutes of strength training.
Do you count calories and/or food journal? Yes, I do - I've used MyFitnessPal.com for a couple of years now and I absolutely love it. It's an incredibly user-friendly website, as well as app, and has a large database and it's easy for you to add your own recipes and foods. I firmly believe in the accountability of recording everything I eat throughout the day. It allows me to look back on the day and see what sort of things were better or worse for me, and I can look at my nutritional stats from the day and see if I got enough protein and fibre, or if I took in too much sodium. I also firmly believe in calorie counting - I maintain 1200-1300 calories per day, and very occasionally go over. Usually this happens on weekends or nights when we go over to someone else's house for supper. It's harder to control what you're going to eat and what your portions will be, but I do my best.
What foods do you eat most? What foods have you cut out? The following list is what you'll find in my fridge/kitchen on a typical day: bananas, apples, pomegranates, natural peanut butter, spaghetti squash, light mozzarella cheese, frozen chicken breasts, coconut oil, Mrs. Dash Southwestern Chipotle seasoning, plain rice cakes, sweet potatoes, lettuce, carrots, and frozen broccoli florets. As part of PRISM, I am required to cut out all refined sugars and white flours. In the first phase, I'm not allowed to eat any breads, crackers, chips, deep-fried foods, desserts, foods with refined sugars, potatoes (and sweet potatoes), or alcohol. As you progress through the phases, you gain back whole wheat sandwich bread, whole wheat pitas and tortillas, as well as whole wheat hamburger/hot dog buns. I'm eagerly waiting for the second phase, when I get back sugar-free frozen desserts (like Chapman's Lactose-Free and Sugar-Free Ice Cream... om nom nom) a max of once a day, 3x/week. However, I have permanently cut gluten and grains out of my diet, as well as refined sugars.
How many glasses of water a day do you drink? I drink anywhere between 12 and 18 cups of water a day. I am never without my trusty Contigo water bottles (from Costco), or my $5 plastic tumblers from WalMart. Each holds 3 cups of water, which makes measuring and logging easy.
Do you take any vitamins? Do you take any supplements that are helping you lose weight? The only vitamins/supplements I take are a B50 timed-release capsule and Align (a probiotic supplement to help with my digestive health). I do not take any other pills or supplements to aid in my weight loss journey. I believe that weight loss is something that you have to completely commit to and you must do a total overhaul of your life in order to create a lifestyle that will promote and maintain weight loss.
Do you recommend any commercial weight loss products for success? I have only tried Visalus' Body by Vi protein powder, and I didn't experience significant success with the mix. The product itself tasted great, but I couldn't force myself to replace one meal (let alone 2 meals a day) with a shake. It didn't work for me, but I've heard amazing success stories from other people who've tried it. I personally think that you need to do the work yourself instead of relying on a product to do the work for you. You packed the weight on in the first place (whether intentionally or accidentally), and you have to work to get it off. The weight you would lose on commercial products like shakes and pills will not be permanent, because you'll have to take them forever to maintain the loss. It would be great to rely on a quick and easy fix for losing weight, but in the end, it won't last. Work on your life - and see the changes happen before your eyes.
How can I lose excess weight from my stomach? My arms? My thighs? The short answer here is that you can't. You cannot spot "treat" weight from specific areas of your body. If you are truly burning and losing excess fat, your body will burn it from wherever it wants. In the beginning I lost a lot of weight around my wrists, calves and waist. I still carry a lot of weight in my arms, thighs and middle - unfortunately, fat loss cannot be targeted with certain exercises or diets. You can tone and build muscle and target these areas that way, but you won't burn off the fat clinging there with site-specific exercises. Work on maintaining a healthier lifestyle and the fat will start coming off, maybe in areas you weren't wanting it to come off of, but by working at it, you'll eventually lose the fat from your problem areas when your body runs out of other fat stores to burn. Be persistent!
So there you have it! Some of my most frequently asked questions... I hope this helps answer some of your burning questions. I know there may be more questions, and I'm more than happy to answer them. Just fire me an email or stop me in person and we'll chat :)
So here is a post for you guys - answers to your burning questions about what has worked for me.
My number one question is what are you doing to look so great? I'm incorporating several elements into my journey to health.
The first element is the PRISM Weight Loss Program - it's a Christian-oriented program that according to the website, "[is] based on the belief that people with weight problems and poor eating behaviors can be restored to emotionally whole, right-weighted individuals. Through the use of seven key principles, we desire to give everyone the ability to become the person they were created to be. Any program can help you lose weight, but most leave you unprepared to continue after weight loss. You must learn to accept and identify with the "TRUE YOU," the person you were created to be. PRISM® focuses on transforming your attitude about food, the activity of eating, and most important, your attitude about you! This attitude transformation will produce the right actions to support the person you were created to be!"
The second element I incorporate is care of the paleolithic diet, also known as the "caveman diet." As I truck along, I keep finding more and more foods that I do not tolerate well - namely caffeine, refined sugars, gluten, grains, etc. According to Wikipedia, the paleo diet "is based on the premise that human genetics have scarcely changed since the dawn of agriculture, and modern humans are genetically adapted to the diet of their Paleolithic ancestors. Therefore an ideal diet for human health and well-being is one that resembles this ancestral diet" and "consists mainly of fish, grass-fed pasture raised meats, eggs, vegetables, fruit, fungi, roots, and nuts, and excludes grains, legumes, dairy products, potatoes, refined salt, refined sugar, and processed oils." I am absolutely in love with the recipes from Danielle Walker at Against All Grain - they're easy and delicious.
The third element I throw in my healthy journey cocktail is 'clean eating,' but more specifically The Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno.
One of the second most frequently asked questions I get is, how much weight have you lost? Since January 2013, I've lost (to November 17, 2013) 84 lbs.
What is your goal weight? I don't have a 'goal' weight. For all of my adult life, I've been obese. I don't know what the ideal weight for my body would be. My initial goal when I started this journey (back in Jan 2013), was to lose 100 lbs. Since I started at 280 lbs, losing 100 lbs seems like a very attainable and realistic goal. Once I hit 180 lbs, I will be re-evaluating - where to go from there. I think that I could probably lose another 20-40 lbs to put be between 140 and 160 lbs, and I think that would be a healthy weight for me, if you take into consideration factors like my body type, the build of my bones, my genetics, my height, and my level of activity. I loosely base my goals on what the Body Mass Index (BMI) recommends for someone of my height, but I don't place huge emphasis on making sure that the BMI is happy with my weight:height ratio, as it hasn't proven to be the most accurate tool to determine your right weight.
What exercise/physical activity do you do to maximize your weight loss? I don't. I believe that achieving health for your body is primarily a function of the type of food, and the quantity of food you put into your body. It is followed by physical activity. I don't work out frequently, in fact, right now, I'm not really 'active' at all. My weight loss has primarily been a function of the type and quantity of food I choose to consume. That's not to say I don't think that physical activity is important, but I don't think that it's the be-all-end-all for you to lose weight. I love going to the gym and working out, but it's not how I achieve weight loss. When I was consistently going to the gym back in the summer, I was attending 3-4x/week, where I'd do 30 minutes of cardio, and then 50-60 minutes of strength training.
Do you count calories and/or food journal? Yes, I do - I've used MyFitnessPal.com for a couple of years now and I absolutely love it. It's an incredibly user-friendly website, as well as app, and has a large database and it's easy for you to add your own recipes and foods. I firmly believe in the accountability of recording everything I eat throughout the day. It allows me to look back on the day and see what sort of things were better or worse for me, and I can look at my nutritional stats from the day and see if I got enough protein and fibre, or if I took in too much sodium. I also firmly believe in calorie counting - I maintain 1200-1300 calories per day, and very occasionally go over. Usually this happens on weekends or nights when we go over to someone else's house for supper. It's harder to control what you're going to eat and what your portions will be, but I do my best.
What foods do you eat most? What foods have you cut out? The following list is what you'll find in my fridge/kitchen on a typical day: bananas, apples, pomegranates, natural peanut butter, spaghetti squash, light mozzarella cheese, frozen chicken breasts, coconut oil, Mrs. Dash Southwestern Chipotle seasoning, plain rice cakes, sweet potatoes, lettuce, carrots, and frozen broccoli florets. As part of PRISM, I am required to cut out all refined sugars and white flours. In the first phase, I'm not allowed to eat any breads, crackers, chips, deep-fried foods, desserts, foods with refined sugars, potatoes (and sweet potatoes), or alcohol. As you progress through the phases, you gain back whole wheat sandwich bread, whole wheat pitas and tortillas, as well as whole wheat hamburger/hot dog buns. I'm eagerly waiting for the second phase, when I get back sugar-free frozen desserts (like Chapman's Lactose-Free and Sugar-Free Ice Cream... om nom nom) a max of once a day, 3x/week. However, I have permanently cut gluten and grains out of my diet, as well as refined sugars.
How many glasses of water a day do you drink? I drink anywhere between 12 and 18 cups of water a day. I am never without my trusty Contigo water bottles (from Costco), or my $5 plastic tumblers from WalMart. Each holds 3 cups of water, which makes measuring and logging easy.
Do you take any vitamins? Do you take any supplements that are helping you lose weight? The only vitamins/supplements I take are a B50 timed-release capsule and Align (a probiotic supplement to help with my digestive health). I do not take any other pills or supplements to aid in my weight loss journey. I believe that weight loss is something that you have to completely commit to and you must do a total overhaul of your life in order to create a lifestyle that will promote and maintain weight loss.
Do you recommend any commercial weight loss products for success? I have only tried Visalus' Body by Vi protein powder, and I didn't experience significant success with the mix. The product itself tasted great, but I couldn't force myself to replace one meal (let alone 2 meals a day) with a shake. It didn't work for me, but I've heard amazing success stories from other people who've tried it. I personally think that you need to do the work yourself instead of relying on a product to do the work for you. You packed the weight on in the first place (whether intentionally or accidentally), and you have to work to get it off. The weight you would lose on commercial products like shakes and pills will not be permanent, because you'll have to take them forever to maintain the loss. It would be great to rely on a quick and easy fix for losing weight, but in the end, it won't last. Work on your life - and see the changes happen before your eyes.
How can I lose excess weight from my stomach? My arms? My thighs? The short answer here is that you can't. You cannot spot "treat" weight from specific areas of your body. If you are truly burning and losing excess fat, your body will burn it from wherever it wants. In the beginning I lost a lot of weight around my wrists, calves and waist. I still carry a lot of weight in my arms, thighs and middle - unfortunately, fat loss cannot be targeted with certain exercises or diets. You can tone and build muscle and target these areas that way, but you won't burn off the fat clinging there with site-specific exercises. Work on maintaining a healthier lifestyle and the fat will start coming off, maybe in areas you weren't wanting it to come off of, but by working at it, you'll eventually lose the fat from your problem areas when your body runs out of other fat stores to burn. Be persistent!
So there you have it! Some of my most frequently asked questions... I hope this helps answer some of your burning questions. I know there may be more questions, and I'm more than happy to answer them. Just fire me an email or stop me in person and we'll chat :)
Thursday, November 14, 2013
You're beautiful.
Every time I hear that phrase, I think of PoP Grade 10 Mr. Stappler's class. Raj passionately belting out James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in the middle of science class. It makes my heart smile to picture those care-free days, and yet today it makes me feel compelled to write about a common thing people say to me, especially in reference to the 'old me.' I'll post a comparison picture, or I'll be chatting with someone about my weight loss, and that other person interjects at some point with a comment about how I'm beautiful no matter what I look like. I've heard the jist of that same phrase so many times. Maybe I'm crazy, but I find it kind of offensive, and here's why...
The thing is, before I started this journey, I was beautiful. I felt beautiful inside and out - I never felt ugly or disgusting or repulsive. But one day I woke up and decided that I wasn't proud of the person I'd become - that doesn't just mean physically, but in my eating and activity habits (or lack thereof). I felt sinful and shameful, and like someone God wasn't very proud of. That's not to say that I thought that I was unloved by my heavenly Father, but I felt like He wasn't smiling on the way I'd let myself go. I certainly wasn't being a good steward of the body He had gifted me.
To be honest, I don't want to be talking with you about my weight loss journey or to show you a picture of me from a year ago, and to have you say to me, "you were beautiful then! You are beautiful now!" This journey is not one about beauty - it's about what's right, what's healthy, what's respectful and responsible.
I didn't start losing weight to become "more beautiful" or "prettier." I began this journey to change the person I'd become - someone lazy, apathetic and complacent with her life. I wanted to stop binge eating and abusing my body with food. I wanted to change my bad habits for the better. Sure, those characteristics can hinder one's true beauty from shining through, but I don't feel for a second that I didn't portray a sense of confidence and comfort with who I was then. When you try to reassure me that I was "beautiful then" and I'm "beautiful now," I feel like you're demeaning my journey to something as superficial and shallow as the worldly concept we know as "beauty." I feel like you're implying that this journey was one where I'm trying to reach a superior level of beauty instead of what the mission of this lifestyle change actually is. You know, in hindsight, I don't look back and see someone who was "beautiful" anyways. I see someone uncomfortable in her own skin, hiding behind her insecurities with a personality bigger than life (see pictures below... I doubt you'll disagree...)
I don't want your definition of beauty. I want you to recognize that I've made a healthy change, and I want you to cheer me on. I want you to acknowledge those days that I do look fabulous, but I don't want you to demean this journey to something as meaningless to me as whether or not I got more beautiful by shedding 80 lbs. I don't think I'm more beautiful now, but I do think that I'm a different kind of beautiful. I have found a kind of beauty that comes from confidence and a peace that has always eluded me. I feel empowered and healthy. I feel like a world of opportunities has opened up at my feet, and I feel overwhelmed with everything that I can do with my new body, things that I would never have dreamed of doing before. One of my closest friends gasped and said she got goosebumps when she first saw a particular picture of me from a year ago August - I'm sure it's not because she thinks that I look ugly back then, but I'm quite positive it's because I look almost nothing like the person I do now. That's not insulting or upsetting to me. You can think that I look like a completely different person - I think I look like a different person. That's just an added bonus of my changed lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the 'improved Rebecca' better than the me from a year ago. And how many times did I use the 'weight loss' feature on picture editors like PicMonkey.com over a year ago? Oftentimes, I'd edit the picture several times with that same function just to get my body looking 'normal' instead of being, well, obese. I don't even think about that now. I don't think that that sort of behavior is characteristic of someone who's comfortable in their body, let alone someone who's proud of what they look like...
I don't look in the mirror every day, checking myself out and oogling over how beautiful I've become. I ask myself whether or not I'm happy with the effort I put in the day before to continue on this journey to a healthier me. I ask myself if God would be proud of the effort I put forth, or whether He would rather I put in a little bit extra effort today. I want every day to be an opportunity to be a better me - because every day I'm given on this earth is an opportunity to be a better person for Jesus. Jesus wouldn't make an ugly person - He wouldn't put ugly people on this earth. People are a reflection of God - He hand-made every single one of us.
I don't post my pictures or stories to make people jealous or to have people congratulate me or comment on how 'hot' I am... I do it to encourage other people in a similar position as me. It's not impossible - there are other people out there going through struggles just like you. This hasn't been a cake walk (literally... I haven't had cake in so long... lol), but if you need someone to listen, I'm here. We're in this together. That's what I want my pictures and messages to do - inspire others. Not because I'm SO amazing, but because I know that God has blessed me with a HUGE life changing experience, one that I want to share with others. If I can help even one person to change their life for the better the way I have, then I've done my job.
These comparison pictures are hard pills to swallow. No one wants to look back and see themselves as the picture of unhealth and complacency - but that's where I was. I'm not by any means a picture of health and perfection now, but I'm getting there slowly, but surely...
So please, do me a favor. When I post something about my weight loss - don't tell me that I'm still as beautiful as I was a year ago. Don't tell me that God still loves me as much as He did before I lost the weight. I know you're trying to be kind, but it frustrates me more than anything. I'm still beautiful - but I'm more vibrant. I'm still happy - I just appreciate life more. I still smile - but my smile is more genuine now. I still have a big personality - but I'm not using it to cover up for my insecurities. I know that God loves me just as much as He ever did - but I also know that He's more proud of me than He was a year ago, and I know that He smiles a lot bigger when He sees me throwing off the sin of overeating and overweight, these that I've struggled with for my whole life. You can see that I'm not any happier than I used to be - but I am healthier and seem to be more a part of the moment, instead of an awkward fixture.
I just wanted to share - and I sincerely hope that nobody takes this the wrong way, but I think it's about time we get real. If you have questions or comments, I'd love to hear them :)
The thing is, before I started this journey, I was beautiful. I felt beautiful inside and out - I never felt ugly or disgusting or repulsive. But one day I woke up and decided that I wasn't proud of the person I'd become - that doesn't just mean physically, but in my eating and activity habits (or lack thereof). I felt sinful and shameful, and like someone God wasn't very proud of. That's not to say that I thought that I was unloved by my heavenly Father, but I felt like He wasn't smiling on the way I'd let myself go. I certainly wasn't being a good steward of the body He had gifted me.
To be honest, I don't want to be talking with you about my weight loss journey or to show you a picture of me from a year ago, and to have you say to me, "you were beautiful then! You are beautiful now!" This journey is not one about beauty - it's about what's right, what's healthy, what's respectful and responsible.
I didn't start losing weight to become "more beautiful" or "prettier." I began this journey to change the person I'd become - someone lazy, apathetic and complacent with her life. I wanted to stop binge eating and abusing my body with food. I wanted to change my bad habits for the better. Sure, those characteristics can hinder one's true beauty from shining through, but I don't feel for a second that I didn't portray a sense of confidence and comfort with who I was then. When you try to reassure me that I was "beautiful then" and I'm "beautiful now," I feel like you're demeaning my journey to something as superficial and shallow as the worldly concept we know as "beauty." I feel like you're implying that this journey was one where I'm trying to reach a superior level of beauty instead of what the mission of this lifestyle change actually is. You know, in hindsight, I don't look back and see someone who was "beautiful" anyways. I see someone uncomfortable in her own skin, hiding behind her insecurities with a personality bigger than life (see pictures below... I doubt you'll disagree...)
I don't want your definition of beauty. I want you to recognize that I've made a healthy change, and I want you to cheer me on. I want you to acknowledge those days that I do look fabulous, but I don't want you to demean this journey to something as meaningless to me as whether or not I got more beautiful by shedding 80 lbs. I don't think I'm more beautiful now, but I do think that I'm a different kind of beautiful. I have found a kind of beauty that comes from confidence and a peace that has always eluded me. I feel empowered and healthy. I feel like a world of opportunities has opened up at my feet, and I feel overwhelmed with everything that I can do with my new body, things that I would never have dreamed of doing before. One of my closest friends gasped and said she got goosebumps when she first saw a particular picture of me from a year ago August - I'm sure it's not because she thinks that I look ugly back then, but I'm quite positive it's because I look almost nothing like the person I do now. That's not insulting or upsetting to me. You can think that I look like a completely different person - I think I look like a different person. That's just an added bonus of my changed lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the 'improved Rebecca' better than the me from a year ago. And how many times did I use the 'weight loss' feature on picture editors like PicMonkey.com over a year ago? Oftentimes, I'd edit the picture several times with that same function just to get my body looking 'normal' instead of being, well, obese. I don't even think about that now. I don't think that that sort of behavior is characteristic of someone who's comfortable in their body, let alone someone who's proud of what they look like...
I don't look in the mirror every day, checking myself out and oogling over how beautiful I've become. I ask myself whether or not I'm happy with the effort I put in the day before to continue on this journey to a healthier me. I ask myself if God would be proud of the effort I put forth, or whether He would rather I put in a little bit extra effort today. I want every day to be an opportunity to be a better me - because every day I'm given on this earth is an opportunity to be a better person for Jesus. Jesus wouldn't make an ugly person - He wouldn't put ugly people on this earth. People are a reflection of God - He hand-made every single one of us.
I don't post my pictures or stories to make people jealous or to have people congratulate me or comment on how 'hot' I am... I do it to encourage other people in a similar position as me. It's not impossible - there are other people out there going through struggles just like you. This hasn't been a cake walk (literally... I haven't had cake in so long... lol), but if you need someone to listen, I'm here. We're in this together. That's what I want my pictures and messages to do - inspire others. Not because I'm SO amazing, but because I know that God has blessed me with a HUGE life changing experience, one that I want to share with others. If I can help even one person to change their life for the better the way I have, then I've done my job.
These comparison pictures are hard pills to swallow. No one wants to look back and see themselves as the picture of unhealth and complacency - but that's where I was. I'm not by any means a picture of health and perfection now, but I'm getting there slowly, but surely...
So please, do me a favor. When I post something about my weight loss - don't tell me that I'm still as beautiful as I was a year ago. Don't tell me that God still loves me as much as He did before I lost the weight. I know you're trying to be kind, but it frustrates me more than anything. I'm still beautiful - but I'm more vibrant. I'm still happy - I just appreciate life more. I still smile - but my smile is more genuine now. I still have a big personality - but I'm not using it to cover up for my insecurities. I know that God loves me just as much as He ever did - but I also know that He's more proud of me than He was a year ago, and I know that He smiles a lot bigger when He sees me throwing off the sin of overeating and overweight, these that I've struggled with for my whole life. You can see that I'm not any happier than I used to be - but I am healthier and seem to be more a part of the moment, instead of an awkward fixture.
I just wanted to share - and I sincerely hope that nobody takes this the wrong way, but I think it's about time we get real. If you have questions or comments, I'd love to hear them :)
Monday, November 4, 2013
Hebrews 12...
I've been feeling super down about my situation lately. All this weight gain, looking like a blubbery square... it's all incredibly disheartening and frustrating. It's that disappointment in myself that grabs a hold of me as soon as I wake up, and releases it's hold on me after I fall asleep at night...
I was up with the sun this morning, getting ready for work and prepping my lunch and snackies for the day. In the still and quiet of the morning, I heard a whisper across my heart... "throw off the sin that so easily entangles... throw off the sin that so easily entangles." I looked around, because the whispers were so clear, I almost thought someone was standing next to me in the kitchen... And then I smiled. Someone WAS standing next to me in the kitchen, breathing words of wisdom across my hurting soul.
As soon as I had a free moment, I pulled up Bible Gateway and searched for "sin that so easily entangles," and Hebrews 12 popped up. Oh heavenly Father - You know what I need long before I even know.
So this little bit of spiritual wisdom was a huge turning point for me today. I felt stronger in my resolve to turn my waywardness around, and I knew that God was sheltering me in the shadow of His almighty wings, from which I drew my strength and determination today. I didn't feel as down or defeated - the challenges and obstacles I've been facing seemed nothing more than anthills in the face of my Almighty God who overcame sin, death and the devil.
I don't know where you're at today in your commitment to change, or if you've even thought about it at all - either way, I thought I'd pass on this bit of heavenly advice. Take from it what you will, all I know is that it changed the course of my day, and I am thinking that it is going to become my mantra for this leg of my journey. Maybe it could be the difference in tomorrow being 'just another day' for you, versus tomorrow being your best day yet.
What I do know, is I'm doing this. I know I can do it now, and I know who's walking alongside me as I start taking baby steps forward. It's not going to be easy, but at least I'm not traveling this path alone...
As always, if you have questions or just want to talk, feel free to email me (re.ulmer@yahoo.ca). I love to chat...
Good luck!
xoxoxo
I was up with the sun this morning, getting ready for work and prepping my lunch and snackies for the day. In the still and quiet of the morning, I heard a whisper across my heart... "throw off the sin that so easily entangles... throw off the sin that so easily entangles." I looked around, because the whispers were so clear, I almost thought someone was standing next to me in the kitchen... And then I smiled. Someone WAS standing next to me in the kitchen, breathing words of wisdom across my hurting soul.
As soon as I had a free moment, I pulled up Bible Gateway and searched for "sin that so easily entangles," and Hebrews 12 popped up. Oh heavenly Father - You know what I need long before I even know.
WOW. What powerful words, especially in light of my current struggles. Jesus says, Hey! Get your act together! Throw off your hindrances and problems, don't cling to them and casually drop them to the ground. Thrust them off your shoulder, and move past them! Persevere, even in the toughest of times. If Jesus can overcome death and the grave, how much more am I able to accomplish with Him on my side!? I must rejoice in these trials, because they are making me stronger.Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
So this little bit of spiritual wisdom was a huge turning point for me today. I felt stronger in my resolve to turn my waywardness around, and I knew that God was sheltering me in the shadow of His almighty wings, from which I drew my strength and determination today. I didn't feel as down or defeated - the challenges and obstacles I've been facing seemed nothing more than anthills in the face of my Almighty God who overcame sin, death and the devil.
I don't know where you're at today in your commitment to change, or if you've even thought about it at all - either way, I thought I'd pass on this bit of heavenly advice. Take from it what you will, all I know is that it changed the course of my day, and I am thinking that it is going to become my mantra for this leg of my journey. Maybe it could be the difference in tomorrow being 'just another day' for you, versus tomorrow being your best day yet.
What I do know, is I'm doing this. I know I can do it now, and I know who's walking alongside me as I start taking baby steps forward. It's not going to be easy, but at least I'm not traveling this path alone...
As always, if you have questions or just want to talk, feel free to email me (re.ulmer@yahoo.ca). I love to chat...
Good luck!
xoxoxo
Friday, November 1, 2013
Ups and Downs
As
with all things, ups and downs are a part of the journey. The downs
make you appreciate the ups, and you learn and grow from your downs.
I
know it's easy to assume that this journey of mine has been easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey -
especially because I portray my weight loss as one colored by success and
triumph, and I don't practice the humility that comes from letting
people know about my struggles or weaknesses.
In
light of how things have been going the last couple of weeks, I thought
I might share how this road has been bumpy the last few weeks and maybe
others could find common-ground and/or encouragement with me.
Needless
to say, the past few weeks have sucked. I don't know exactly when it
started or what happened, but all progress seems to have come to a
stand-still. After I hit 80 lbs lost, I seemed to plateau - for whatever reason, I became complacent and started slacking off on my strict caloric intake and diet. I started experimenting with paleo recipes and found myself
gleefully
busting through the doors that these alternatives opened for me.
As
I've trekked along for the past 10 months, I've come to many
realizations. I have a plethora of food intolerances that I've never
known existed, on top of my exhaustive list of food and environmental
allergies. I've come to realize that I can't consume durum semolina,
caffeine, citrus fruits, flax, any flour or wheat (doesn't matter if
it's white or brown...), or oatmeal. It seems
like every day I'm finding new things to cut out or substitute for. It
definitely sucks - I'm sure some of you can relate, but for those of you
who can't - imagine going to your in-laws house for supper and having
one of your favorite dishes - steamed broccoli and cauliflower with
cheese sauce. You innocently and naively dig in, dousing everything on
your plate in a 'healthy' (and most generous) helping of cheese sauce.
After supper, you're content - just hanging out. And everything starts
going awol - your insides start cramping, you're bloated and
everything's gurgling. In my mind, I often compare myself to one of
those cast-iron cauldrons: swollen and bubbling with some wild brew.
Blech. For me, these spells take about 3 days to a week to work out of
my system. Yup. So now I'm basically gluten intolerant and/or grain intolerant. Oh it's cool... it's how I roll.
This
led me in pursuit of alternatives, especially in light of Canadian
Thanksgiving mid-October. I didn't want to miss out on the traditional
favorites, such as pumpkin pie. So I stumbled across Danielle Walker's
Against All Grain cookbook, and then the obsession began. I had most of
the ingredients already in my pantry, and so I began cooking and baking.
It is thrilling and wonderful to cook foods for you AND your husband -
meals and treats that you both enjoy, but that don't leave me feeling
like a witch's cauldron by the stroke of midnight.
Unfortunately,
this led me to a crazed obsession with eating as everything was inexplicably delicious. I could eat everything I
made, so I'd eat it - nay, I'd overindulge in it. Needless to say, this
has been going on for several weeks. My mentality was, "it's good for
me! There's no harm in having a bit extra... Meh! Why not I finish off
the whole pan... it's healthy!" Wrong. Too much of a good thing can be a
bad thing, actually. I've single-handedly polished off whole loaves of
pumpkin bread, 3+ portions of gluten-free lasagna or chicken parmesan in a sitting,
etc. I also tried eating some gluten-free, sugar-free protein bars... but I have a feeling that the fun flavors (peanut butter, chocolate, cookie dough, etc.) coupled with the sucralose make me crazy for more... and so I lean on them as a crutch to get through the day instead of eating real, whole foods.
This
leads me to this week - feeling bloated almost every day and barely able to move from the cramps
that stab my sides when I stand up or walk. I feel like that proverbial
cauldron from earlier. I'm in 'comfy clothes' today because I'm
uncomfortable and feel obscene, not because I'm trying to be 'fall
chic.'
I've
gained 5 lbs in bloating from the accidental ingestion of some flour in
the gravy at Swiss Chalet last night. Not to mention the 5 lbs I keep
gaining and losing... I can't seem to get under the 195 lb mark and stay
there. I'm
not drinking enough water, I'm not getting 10,000 steps a day... I
haven't been going to the gym. I wake up most days disappointed with
myself, frustrated and disheartened with my situation. I know this may
sound stupid and selfish, but after 10 months of weighing, measuring,
and self-scrutinizing myself, you begin to see subtle differences in
yourself that others wouldn't normally see. I can SEE the bloating and
water-weight - and I don't like what I see. It's a struggle for me to
catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror lately... The tons of slack I've
given myself is practically written across my forehead. I can't afford
to go back from where I came - heck, I never want to go back.
I
know that there is no one to blame for my situation but myself, but I
just haven't been proactive
enough to change the road I was on. I can't say that I haven't been
motivated, because I don't believe that motivation is something that
magically comes to you, or something that's just with us when we wake up
in the morning. Motivation is something you make for yourself -
something you choose to be. If this wasn't the case, how many of us
would actually drag ourselves into work every day? Nothing would ever
get done!! And it puts the responsibility on us - to be accountable for
our actions (or misactions)...
This hasn't been a cake walk, and my journey is far from over. My big goal was to lose 100 lbs by Christmas 2013 - however, at this rate, I'm not sure that's even attainable. I could possibly achieve it by December 31, 2013, but I'm not sure... it could be a long shot.
My biggest frustrations of the moment are how I seem to be hungry all the time, or perhaps it's just that I'm thinking of food non-stop... I literally have to tell myself, "Okay... at 11:00, you can have XX to eat..." otherwise I'm consumed with the thought of eating. My other huge frustration is how I look chunky... like, when I started losing weight, I was all curvy and delicious shaped... now I look boxy and water-retentive or something... I don't know... And I'm frustrated because I've pushed the scale over the stupid 200 mark again... UGH!! So many frustrations...
I suppose I should rejoice in these sufferings because it means I'm doing something worthwhile and that in the long run, I'm going to be a better, stronger person because of the trials I've had to work through. Fortunately, I have a fabulous husband who holds me close and tells me that it's going to be okay, not to mention the oodles of family and friends I have cheering me on towards the finish line.
I know that I can do this, but it's exhausting being beaten down so many times in a row - especially after running with my head held high for the past many months. This is not to say that I'm giving up, or that I have it harder than you... but sometimes it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat as you... someone else is struggling and feels frustrated and ugly and like that danged cast-iron cauldron... I know what it feels like! I am in the same spot as you - we're in this together! Sure it sucks now, but if you give in and stop trying at all, you're going to be worse off than where you are now... and while that seems like not such a bad idea in the moment, you'll hate yourself even more after you give in to your weaknesses.
So I guess that's it... my little story. I hope that you feel stronger and more confident because of what I've written today. I hope that you finish reading this, and make today a better day than it was when you started. I pray that you're able to find peace and strength and clarity to move past your struggles and weaknesses, and that you can pursue your BIG dream and hand-write "victory" and "success" over every area of your life...
If you have questions or comments, please feel free to leave a comment below, or email me at re.ulmer@yahoo.ca. I'd love to help you out, or just listen if need be...
Mucho love in your general direction.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
My biggest frustrations of the moment are how I seem to be hungry all the time, or perhaps it's just that I'm thinking of food non-stop... I literally have to tell myself, "Okay... at 11:00, you can have XX to eat..." otherwise I'm consumed with the thought of eating. My other huge frustration is how I look chunky... like, when I started losing weight, I was all curvy and delicious shaped... now I look boxy and water-retentive or something... I don't know... And I'm frustrated because I've pushed the scale over the stupid 200 mark again... UGH!! So many frustrations...
I suppose I should rejoice in these sufferings because it means I'm doing something worthwhile and that in the long run, I'm going to be a better, stronger person because of the trials I've had to work through. Fortunately, I have a fabulous husband who holds me close and tells me that it's going to be okay, not to mention the oodles of family and friends I have cheering me on towards the finish line.
I know that I can do this, but it's exhausting being beaten down so many times in a row - especially after running with my head held high for the past many months. This is not to say that I'm giving up, or that I have it harder than you... but sometimes it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat as you... someone else is struggling and feels frustrated and ugly and like that danged cast-iron cauldron... I know what it feels like! I am in the same spot as you - we're in this together! Sure it sucks now, but if you give in and stop trying at all, you're going to be worse off than where you are now... and while that seems like not such a bad idea in the moment, you'll hate yourself even more after you give in to your weaknesses.
So I guess that's it... my little story. I hope that you feel stronger and more confident because of what I've written today. I hope that you finish reading this, and make today a better day than it was when you started. I pray that you're able to find peace and strength and clarity to move past your struggles and weaknesses, and that you can pursue your BIG dream and hand-write "victory" and "success" over every area of your life...
If you have questions or comments, please feel free to leave a comment below, or email me at re.ulmer@yahoo.ca. I'd love to help you out, or just listen if need be...
Mucho love in your general direction.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
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