Personal Evaluation
1. Review your food journals. Are you eating protein each day? If not, how can you adjust your daily food program to include protein? Yes, I am eating protein every day - some days more than others. I definitely need to make sure I'm eating more protein on a daily basis - even if it's just 1 tbsp of peanut butter with a meal or 30 oz of cheese.
2. How many times have you experienced "the ogre's attack" since you began this program? Can you remember what you ate just prior to your hunger attack? Do you see a connection? I haven't had a ton of attacks since starting the program. Mostly, I have the attacks when I'm out at my family/in-laws' homes and I feel the overwhelming pressure to eat - not because everyone forces me to, but just that underlying stigma that you overeat when you go to have family dinners. Usually I notice that chips/chocolate as being trigger foods for the ogre's attack.
3. Do you feel overwhelmed by all this new information? Do you believe it will help you become and continue as the TRUE YOU? Do you understand that these changes are gradual and will take time? I don't feel overwhelmed by the information, but I do feel stunned by it - I knew that I had a 'food problem,' which I now refer to as a 'food addiction,' but I wouldn't have gone so far as to say that I had chemical dependencies which made me addicted to food. It makes total sense, but in saying that, it seems really scary and frightening. I believe that knowledge of this information will make it a lot easier to make the changes permanent in my life. It's hard to accept that the changes will be gradual, but at the same time, I do know and understand this difficult truth.
4. Are you willing to make these changes if it means you will experience a lifetime of eating with self-control? What does this mean to you? Yes, I am willing to make these changes. I don't want to go back to the way I was before... I hated it. These changes mean freedom and a new life for me, a life which I've always dreamed about but never attained. I think it's definitely important to use this information to the best of my ability, and that being that I make the changes permanent.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
PWLP: Week Six - Lesson Two
Personal Evaluation
1. When you feel stressed or tired, what is the first thing you think of doing to relieve the pressure? If you don't eat, what other things do you find yourself doing? Before starting PRISM, I would turn to food to calm my stresses - namely chocolate, pizza, bread, and candy. I still have a tendency to think about turning to those things when I feel stressed out, but it's not habitual like it used to be. Now, when I'm stressed out, I de-stress by venting to my husband, and watching some Days of our Lives online. I exercise to de-stress as well, or remove myself from the stressful situation (going for a walk in the mall on my lunch break instead of taking my lunch at my desk).
2. When you are stressed and you give in to food, how do you feel immediately afterwards? Usually, I feel guilty and ashamed. I never give in to food in a controlled manner - I eat everything in sight, and I feel guilty that I overindulged and know what the consequences will be later. However, I also feel relatively calm - food has that affect on me.
3. Think about a time this week that you ate while under stress. Think about a quiet, calm meal you had this week. Did you feel differently about how your appetite was satisfied? How was it different? When I eat under calm situations, I don't feel 'as hungry,' and I certainly don't feel like I need more food to comfort me. I can understand and acknowledge my hunger and feelings of being satisfied more easily, without overstuffing myself in an all-fired hurry to get as much food into my body as possible. When I eat under stress, I usually undereat or overeat, and I don't properly pay attention to the signals my body is giving me regarding my hunger. I don't feel satisfied as easily either.
4. How does stress affect your ability to control your eating behavior? When I am stressed, I lose control. It sort of parallels the situation in my life at the moment - I feel out of control in my personal/work life, so I lose control with my eating. I overindulge to numb the way I feel - stuffing myself until I feel overfull and can hardly move makes me feel comfortable and safe and numb to the situation. I'm not as careful with what I chose to eat, or how I eat it, or how much of it I eat), which makes it a dangerous situation.
1. When you feel stressed or tired, what is the first thing you think of doing to relieve the pressure? If you don't eat, what other things do you find yourself doing? Before starting PRISM, I would turn to food to calm my stresses - namely chocolate, pizza, bread, and candy. I still have a tendency to think about turning to those things when I feel stressed out, but it's not habitual like it used to be. Now, when I'm stressed out, I de-stress by venting to my husband, and watching some Days of our Lives online. I exercise to de-stress as well, or remove myself from the stressful situation (going for a walk in the mall on my lunch break instead of taking my lunch at my desk).
2. When you are stressed and you give in to food, how do you feel immediately afterwards? Usually, I feel guilty and ashamed. I never give in to food in a controlled manner - I eat everything in sight, and I feel guilty that I overindulged and know what the consequences will be later. However, I also feel relatively calm - food has that affect on me.
3. Think about a time this week that you ate while under stress. Think about a quiet, calm meal you had this week. Did you feel differently about how your appetite was satisfied? How was it different? When I eat under calm situations, I don't feel 'as hungry,' and I certainly don't feel like I need more food to comfort me. I can understand and acknowledge my hunger and feelings of being satisfied more easily, without overstuffing myself in an all-fired hurry to get as much food into my body as possible. When I eat under stress, I usually undereat or overeat, and I don't properly pay attention to the signals my body is giving me regarding my hunger. I don't feel satisfied as easily either.
4. How does stress affect your ability to control your eating behavior? When I am stressed, I lose control. It sort of parallels the situation in my life at the moment - I feel out of control in my personal/work life, so I lose control with my eating. I overindulge to numb the way I feel - stuffing myself until I feel overfull and can hardly move makes me feel comfortable and safe and numb to the situation. I'm not as careful with what I chose to eat, or how I eat it, or how much of it I eat), which makes it a dangerous situation.
Friday, March 29, 2013
PWLP: Week Six - Lesson One
Personal Evaluation
1. Which of the six KEY PRINCIPLES has been most important to your success to this point? I would say that Key Principle #2 has been the most important to my success thus far. That principle being "Every day, twice a day (or more often if you like), look in the mirror and say the following statement outloud: "This is the size I was created to be. I am a lovable, worthwhile and successful person. I am thankful for these truths." This principle has allowed me to accept a new image of myself, and suddenly my old, unhealthy self isn't acceptable anymore. I feel like this isn't the way I'm supposed to be, and I'm constantly looking forward to my new life and the changes to be had. Additionally, Key Principle #1 has been really beneficial to my life as well - "deviation from or variation of any guidelines of the PRISM Weight Loss Program is strictly prohibited. No violations of the guidelines are allowed." For the most part, I've worked to strictly adhere to the guidelines as outlined by the PWLP - I've had one or two slip-ups, absent-mindedly and not intentionally, but otherwise, the strict outline of the program allows me to follow along easily without room for changes or compromise, which has often led me to slip up before.
2. Of all the changes that have taken place in your life in the past five weeks, which are the most dramatic? I am now eating around 1200 calories a day, as opposed to the outrageous amount I was inhaling before. I'm not hungry constantly, and I don't really crave sugar or chocolate or bread anymore. I drink anywhere between 8-16 glasses of water a day, whereas before, I would struggle to get even 5 cups in. My belt has gone from the last notch, to the 7th notch (the tightest notch I can get it on) in the matter of a few weeks. Many of my favorite clothes are fitting better/looser, and I'm finding it harder to wear these clothes because they don't look right anymore.
3. Are you starting to receive compliments? How are you responding to them? I have received several compliments from coworkers, friends, and family. I am excited when I receive them and don't feel ashamed or guilty, but I do feel encouraged to share with them about the amazing successes I've had so far on the PWLP, and boasting about how beneficial cutting refined sugars and white flour out of my diet has been.
4. Have any of the compliments touched you deeply? Which ones and why? My coworker, Eliza, told me that she was talking to her husband the other day and the conversation went something like this: "Rebecca's lost so much weight. You can tell! I wish I could do what she is doing but I'm not as committed as she is." That is the glowing highlight of my compliment list so far. I always felt like a loser and a failure when it came to weight loss. I never considered myself more committed/more motivated than others, and I certainly didn't think I'd stick with this program as long as I have. This compliment made me feel empowered and more motivated than ever to show everyone how I can do this and succeed! It meant a lot coming from a close friend, as opposed to a family member who might feel more obligated to say something nice than from a friend who doesn't have to say anything at all.
5. What is your favorite part of the program to this point? Why? I have two favorites. The first is the saying "You will never again weigh as much as you do today." That has been my saving grace for several weeks - especially when I felt discouraged over plateauing out in the beginning. If nothing else, I will never weigh as much as I did in the beginning, and I will never weigh as much as I do today. If I remain the same, it's still an achievement - but I won't weigh MORE. That makes my goals more attainable and more 'successful.' I know I'm 'winning' when I step on the scale and I don't weigh more than I did yesterday, whether that constitutes as an actual loss or even if I remain the same. Losing inches, losing pounds are all victories - victories that I'm winning every day. Secondly, I love the second key principle with the True Me picture. I have it as the background on my cell phone and I look at it often. It encourages me to accept a new image as my true self, and not this body that I'm trapped in today. I'm able to overcome mental barriers and roadblocks when I imagine myself as the True Me, and I feel more motivated and determined to go on.
1. Which of the six KEY PRINCIPLES has been most important to your success to this point? I would say that Key Principle #2 has been the most important to my success thus far. That principle being "Every day, twice a day (or more often if you like), look in the mirror and say the following statement outloud: "This is the size I was created to be. I am a lovable, worthwhile and successful person. I am thankful for these truths." This principle has allowed me to accept a new image of myself, and suddenly my old, unhealthy self isn't acceptable anymore. I feel like this isn't the way I'm supposed to be, and I'm constantly looking forward to my new life and the changes to be had. Additionally, Key Principle #1 has been really beneficial to my life as well - "deviation from or variation of any guidelines of the PRISM Weight Loss Program is strictly prohibited. No violations of the guidelines are allowed." For the most part, I've worked to strictly adhere to the guidelines as outlined by the PWLP - I've had one or two slip-ups, absent-mindedly and not intentionally, but otherwise, the strict outline of the program allows me to follow along easily without room for changes or compromise, which has often led me to slip up before.
2. Of all the changes that have taken place in your life in the past five weeks, which are the most dramatic? I am now eating around 1200 calories a day, as opposed to the outrageous amount I was inhaling before. I'm not hungry constantly, and I don't really crave sugar or chocolate or bread anymore. I drink anywhere between 8-16 glasses of water a day, whereas before, I would struggle to get even 5 cups in. My belt has gone from the last notch, to the 7th notch (the tightest notch I can get it on) in the matter of a few weeks. Many of my favorite clothes are fitting better/looser, and I'm finding it harder to wear these clothes because they don't look right anymore.
3. Are you starting to receive compliments? How are you responding to them? I have received several compliments from coworkers, friends, and family. I am excited when I receive them and don't feel ashamed or guilty, but I do feel encouraged to share with them about the amazing successes I've had so far on the PWLP, and boasting about how beneficial cutting refined sugars and white flour out of my diet has been.
4. Have any of the compliments touched you deeply? Which ones and why? My coworker, Eliza, told me that she was talking to her husband the other day and the conversation went something like this: "Rebecca's lost so much weight. You can tell! I wish I could do what she is doing but I'm not as committed as she is." That is the glowing highlight of my compliment list so far. I always felt like a loser and a failure when it came to weight loss. I never considered myself more committed/more motivated than others, and I certainly didn't think I'd stick with this program as long as I have. This compliment made me feel empowered and more motivated than ever to show everyone how I can do this and succeed! It meant a lot coming from a close friend, as opposed to a family member who might feel more obligated to say something nice than from a friend who doesn't have to say anything at all.
5. What is your favorite part of the program to this point? Why? I have two favorites. The first is the saying "You will never again weigh as much as you do today." That has been my saving grace for several weeks - especially when I felt discouraged over plateauing out in the beginning. If nothing else, I will never weigh as much as I did in the beginning, and I will never weigh as much as I do today. If I remain the same, it's still an achievement - but I won't weigh MORE. That makes my goals more attainable and more 'successful.' I know I'm 'winning' when I step on the scale and I don't weigh more than I did yesterday, whether that constitutes as an actual loss or even if I remain the same. Losing inches, losing pounds are all victories - victories that I'm winning every day. Secondly, I love the second key principle with the True Me picture. I have it as the background on my cell phone and I look at it often. It encourages me to accept a new image as my true self, and not this body that I'm trapped in today. I'm able to overcome mental barriers and roadblocks when I imagine myself as the True Me, and I feel more motivated and determined to go on.
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Seven
Personal Evaluation
1. What part of the PRAY concept do you find most helpful? Why? I find the "Y - You must acknowledge the power of choice and take responsibility for your actions!" most helpful. I find it helpful because sometimes I like to blame my situation on other people and circumstances, instead of understanding and acknowledging that the only reason I'm in this predicament is because of my own actions.
2. What part of the concept do you find difficult? How and why? I find the "A - Acknowledge the power you (as a child of God) have available" the most difficult, because too often I feel defeated in my pursuit of a new and healthier life. I feel like, when I don't see immediate results or if I plateau out, I'll always be fat - that I was born to be a 'fat' person. But I need to understand that God is SO willing and able to help me out, and with His help, nothing is impossible.
3. How do you feel when you hear the term "self-control"? I feel empowered. Motivated. Determined. It used to be intimidating, especially in regards to my 'self-control,' or lack thereof, with food. Now, after starting PRISM, however, I feel like my life is finally back in my grasp - I'm able to be controlled in the way I eat and what I eat.
4. How does self-control produce freedom in your life? How can you attain it in the area of eating? Self-control allows me to eat what I want, when I want it, but in respectable quantities and in a controlled manner. It allows me to accept myself and not to be bogged down with self-hatred. I can attain self-control by following the guidelines of PRISM, and by overcoming my addiction to food.
5. Is self-control a natural reaction or a learned behavior? How does that challenge you today? I think in some people, self-control is a more inherent reaction, but for me, personally, it's a learned behavior. Self-control doesn't come easily to me, so I must work for it to become instinctual. Self-control challenges me every day, as it's in my nature to throw caution to the wind and not approach food with control. It especially challenges me in what I eat - I lack control to eat certain foods over others. It's definitely a learned process.
1. What part of the PRAY concept do you find most helpful? Why? I find the "Y - You must acknowledge the power of choice and take responsibility for your actions!" most helpful. I find it helpful because sometimes I like to blame my situation on other people and circumstances, instead of understanding and acknowledging that the only reason I'm in this predicament is because of my own actions.
2. What part of the concept do you find difficult? How and why? I find the "A - Acknowledge the power you (as a child of God) have available" the most difficult, because too often I feel defeated in my pursuit of a new and healthier life. I feel like, when I don't see immediate results or if I plateau out, I'll always be fat - that I was born to be a 'fat' person. But I need to understand that God is SO willing and able to help me out, and with His help, nothing is impossible.
3. How do you feel when you hear the term "self-control"? I feel empowered. Motivated. Determined. It used to be intimidating, especially in regards to my 'self-control,' or lack thereof, with food. Now, after starting PRISM, however, I feel like my life is finally back in my grasp - I'm able to be controlled in the way I eat and what I eat.
4. How does self-control produce freedom in your life? How can you attain it in the area of eating? Self-control allows me to eat what I want, when I want it, but in respectable quantities and in a controlled manner. It allows me to accept myself and not to be bogged down with self-hatred. I can attain self-control by following the guidelines of PRISM, and by overcoming my addiction to food.
5. Is self-control a natural reaction or a learned behavior? How does that challenge you today? I think in some people, self-control is a more inherent reaction, but for me, personally, it's a learned behavior. Self-control doesn't come easily to me, so I must work for it to become instinctual. Self-control challenges me every day, as it's in my nature to throw caution to the wind and not approach food with control. It especially challenges me in what I eat - I lack control to eat certain foods over others. It's definitely a learned process.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Daily Diary: March 27, 2013
Wow. I never fully understood the value of stretching until just now. I did a little over half of Cassey Ho's Sexy Broom Burn for Trim Thighs and Sculpted Back the other day. OH MY WORD. I did not finish the whole video, but yesterday my thighs starting hurting like you wouldn't believe. I couldn't sit down or stand up without being in excruciating pain - I couldn't go up or down stairs, I could barely walk in a straight line without my legs caving underneath me. It was mostly in my quads where the pain was brutal, and finally this evening I was like... I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! I can't take the pain anymore... so I Googled some pictures of "stretches for quadriceps" and came across a few stretches that REALLY helped. Oh my goodness. The tension and constant ache in my thighs is nearly gone and I can function normally now, without hobbling around like I'm crippled. It just goes to show that stretching is incredibly important for limbering up before, and promoting healing after a workout.
Additionally, yesterday I went over in calories, and we weren't at home because we were celebrating my sister's birthday at my parent's house and doing taxes. So I didn't get to work out either, and I don't know that I would've been able to anyways - that's how much pain I was in. But I wasn't happy about the situation at all, let me tell you. I hate missing workouts for any reason, but especially because I'm in pain. Additionally, I had my first taste of chocolate/cocoa since starting PRISM last night. My sister made homemade sugar-free, gluten-free chocolate peanut butter cups, and I had one, and holy cow - amazing, but SO rich. I didn't realize how intensely sweet and rich one of those bad boys would be. Next time I will probably go for 1/4 to 1/2 of one serving, just because I don't think I could do a whole one again. So I was super stoked for that.
The past two days I've been working out my calves as I wait for the train, and while I'm riding it. I just lift my heels off the ground and pulse up and down indefinitely, until I need to take a break. Sometimes I do it in beat to the music on my iPhone, and others I just do it to the beat of my heart. It's a good way to do something without actually doing something, you know!? Subtle movements, people! Subtle movements. That being said, it was nice getting some amount of exercise in, especially because I couldn't take the stairs at the train station today, since I could barely lift my legs off the ground.
Today's PRISM lesson was the bomb. Another really good message, and I feel like I really got a lot out of it.
Only a week to go before I get to weigh in again! I'm super excited to see what the measuring tape and scale have to say - but I don't want to get my hopes up in any event.
Today was sort of a fail in the sodium department. I ate WAY too much sodium today - mostly in the form of cheese. It really sucks, because I bloat SO much when I eat too much salt in my food. I hope I can counteract it with water tonight, because holy moley - I almost hit 2000 mg today. In that way, my day was sort of a fail. I didn't prep well enough for my work meals and I didn't have enough food at home to bring with. Josh said he'd pick up apples and bananas tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping to get on the elliptical tonight as well, even if it's not for 25 minutes and it's not at 70+ RPM throughout. I just want to take things carefully with my quads, just so I don't wipe out in the middle of my workout with spasm-ing quads.
I'm really hoping to work on my eating over the next few days - making sure we're stocked up on the healthy ingredients I need to eat and keeping my sodium levels low. I definitely need to be making sure I'm taking my iron supplements as well, as I'm feeling very lightheaded lately when I miss taking them. And on that note, I'm going to go get some more water, and make new cookies!
Additionally, yesterday I went over in calories, and we weren't at home because we were celebrating my sister's birthday at my parent's house and doing taxes. So I didn't get to work out either, and I don't know that I would've been able to anyways - that's how much pain I was in. But I wasn't happy about the situation at all, let me tell you. I hate missing workouts for any reason, but especially because I'm in pain. Additionally, I had my first taste of chocolate/cocoa since starting PRISM last night. My sister made homemade sugar-free, gluten-free chocolate peanut butter cups, and I had one, and holy cow - amazing, but SO rich. I didn't realize how intensely sweet and rich one of those bad boys would be. Next time I will probably go for 1/4 to 1/2 of one serving, just because I don't think I could do a whole one again. So I was super stoked for that.
The past two days I've been working out my calves as I wait for the train, and while I'm riding it. I just lift my heels off the ground and pulse up and down indefinitely, until I need to take a break. Sometimes I do it in beat to the music on my iPhone, and others I just do it to the beat of my heart. It's a good way to do something without actually doing something, you know!? Subtle movements, people! Subtle movements. That being said, it was nice getting some amount of exercise in, especially because I couldn't take the stairs at the train station today, since I could barely lift my legs off the ground.
Today's PRISM lesson was the bomb. Another really good message, and I feel like I really got a lot out of it.
Only a week to go before I get to weigh in again! I'm super excited to see what the measuring tape and scale have to say - but I don't want to get my hopes up in any event.
Today was sort of a fail in the sodium department. I ate WAY too much sodium today - mostly in the form of cheese. It really sucks, because I bloat SO much when I eat too much salt in my food. I hope I can counteract it with water tonight, because holy moley - I almost hit 2000 mg today. In that way, my day was sort of a fail. I didn't prep well enough for my work meals and I didn't have enough food at home to bring with. Josh said he'd pick up apples and bananas tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping to get on the elliptical tonight as well, even if it's not for 25 minutes and it's not at 70+ RPM throughout. I just want to take things carefully with my quads, just so I don't wipe out in the middle of my workout with spasm-ing quads.
I'm really hoping to work on my eating over the next few days - making sure we're stocked up on the healthy ingredients I need to eat and keeping my sodium levels low. I definitely need to be making sure I'm taking my iron supplements as well, as I'm feeling very lightheaded lately when I miss taking them. And on that note, I'm going to go get some more water, and make new cookies!
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Six
Personal Evaluation
1. What are some of the foods you hate to give up when dieting? Chocolate (or desserts) and pizza as they are my biggest weaknesses.
2. Are these usually the foods you "blow" your diets for? How have you justified doing that in the past? Yes, I usually blow my diet for junk/snack foods, such as chocolate and pizza. In the past, I'd usually tell myself that I would allow a small portion of the 'forbidden' foods, and then I would devour them so quickly that I'd then eat more and more pieces of the foods until I'd binged on them. Or I would eat less during the day so I could binge out on junk later in the evening...
3. How has being fat affected you? How has it affected those you love? How do you feel about this? Being fat has caused me to miss out on opportunities in my life, and it's prevented me from participating in certain activities with loved ones. It's caused me to have many health issues that further hinder me from making the most of my life. I've also had lower self-esteem because I feel horrible about my weight, and how I make others in my family feel with it. I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of my weight problem, and my eating problems - it's something I am motivated to change, for the better.
1. What are some of the foods you hate to give up when dieting? Chocolate (or desserts) and pizza as they are my biggest weaknesses.
2. Are these usually the foods you "blow" your diets for? How have you justified doing that in the past? Yes, I usually blow my diet for junk/snack foods, such as chocolate and pizza. In the past, I'd usually tell myself that I would allow a small portion of the 'forbidden' foods, and then I would devour them so quickly that I'd then eat more and more pieces of the foods until I'd binged on them. Or I would eat less during the day so I could binge out on junk later in the evening...
3. How has being fat affected you? How has it affected those you love? How do you feel about this? Being fat has caused me to miss out on opportunities in my life, and it's prevented me from participating in certain activities with loved ones. It's caused me to have many health issues that further hinder me from making the most of my life. I've also had lower self-esteem because I feel horrible about my weight, and how I make others in my family feel with it. I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of my weight problem, and my eating problems - it's something I am motivated to change, for the better.
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Five
Personal Evaluation
1. Where do you feel you are in the process described in today's lesson? I am bouncing between 3 of the responses: anger/rage/envy/resentment, panic, and acceptance.
2. What evidence do you have to support your answer to question number one? Sometimes I feel upset and envious of other people because they get to have easy lives without having to worry about what/how much they're eating. Sometimes I feel angry because I can't have the same things I used to. Yet other times, I feel panicked because I will never get to have Easter/Christmas chocolate again. And still other times, I feel okay with this whole thing. I am fully accepting of the fact that this is my life now - it doesn't bother me, what I eat, or what others might think of me. I'm 100% okay with my new lifestyle.
3. How will this knowledge strengthen you in your journey to become the TRUE YOU? If I know where I'm at in my grieving process, it's easier to stay strong and overcome the temptation that my old life has on me. Knowledge is power.
1. Where do you feel you are in the process described in today's lesson? I am bouncing between 3 of the responses: anger/rage/envy/resentment, panic, and acceptance.
2. What evidence do you have to support your answer to question number one? Sometimes I feel upset and envious of other people because they get to have easy lives without having to worry about what/how much they're eating. Sometimes I feel angry because I can't have the same things I used to. Yet other times, I feel panicked because I will never get to have Easter/Christmas chocolate again. And still other times, I feel okay with this whole thing. I am fully accepting of the fact that this is my life now - it doesn't bother me, what I eat, or what others might think of me. I'm 100% okay with my new lifestyle.
3. How will this knowledge strengthen you in your journey to become the TRUE YOU? If I know where I'm at in my grieving process, it's easier to stay strong and overcome the temptation that my old life has on me. Knowledge is power.
Monday, March 25, 2013
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Four
Personal Evaluation
1. What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about having to say good-bye to some of your old eating behaviors? I feel a little bit of sadness and regret - like never overeating at a family function again? Never having chocolate at Easter or Christmas again? Those things bring me sadness because I've come to associate good feelings and memories with them - but then I also feel disgust and disappointment. Food should not have those sorts of memories attached to it, especially not when overeating comes into play. Spending the time with family and loved ones is what my memories should be attached to.
2. What emotions come to mind when you think about grieving a loss? Anger, frustration, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, self-pity.
3. Can you relate any of these emotions to saying good-bye to Overeating? Which ones and how? I think all of the emotions listed above can be related to saying goodbye to overeating. I think anyone can go through anger about having to let certain things go, frustration with having to make alternate choices/decisions instead of eating what they wanted to or the quantity they wanted to, sadness because they feel like they're letting something of importance go, despair because life will never be the same again, guilt over how far they let things get and the point at which this journey has taken them, shame for valuing food in an unhealthy and unnatural way, and self-pity for what has been lost in comparison to others.
4. Which of these emotions have or are you experiencing on your journey to the TRUE YOU? Sometimes I feel sadness when I can't indulge in the same foods/quantities of foods as others around me. I feel left out, and that makes me feel sad. I have also felt self-pity, when I think about how my diet is different from those around me and how everyone else gets to indulge in whatever they want. I've felt a lot of guilt too, when I look back on the mindless and senseless way I used to eat, especially in front of others.
5. What is one eating behavior you know you must give up in order to become and continue as the TRUE YOU? I need to give up chocolate and sugar-filled treats. I cannot be trusted with them, and abuse my privileges to have them time and time again. I think it will be a forever thing - nixing the sugar in my diet. I live better without refined sugar in my food, I've noticed, and I remember how I used to gorge myself on a pan of brownies or my grandma's scotch mints - I cannot go back to this, and I will need to give up that behavior in favor of becoming and continuing as the true me :)
1. What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about having to say good-bye to some of your old eating behaviors? I feel a little bit of sadness and regret - like never overeating at a family function again? Never having chocolate at Easter or Christmas again? Those things bring me sadness because I've come to associate good feelings and memories with them - but then I also feel disgust and disappointment. Food should not have those sorts of memories attached to it, especially not when overeating comes into play. Spending the time with family and loved ones is what my memories should be attached to.
2. What emotions come to mind when you think about grieving a loss? Anger, frustration, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, self-pity.
3. Can you relate any of these emotions to saying good-bye to Overeating? Which ones and how? I think all of the emotions listed above can be related to saying goodbye to overeating. I think anyone can go through anger about having to let certain things go, frustration with having to make alternate choices/decisions instead of eating what they wanted to or the quantity they wanted to, sadness because they feel like they're letting something of importance go, despair because life will never be the same again, guilt over how far they let things get and the point at which this journey has taken them, shame for valuing food in an unhealthy and unnatural way, and self-pity for what has been lost in comparison to others.
4. Which of these emotions have or are you experiencing on your journey to the TRUE YOU? Sometimes I feel sadness when I can't indulge in the same foods/quantities of foods as others around me. I feel left out, and that makes me feel sad. I have also felt self-pity, when I think about how my diet is different from those around me and how everyone else gets to indulge in whatever they want. I've felt a lot of guilt too, when I look back on the mindless and senseless way I used to eat, especially in front of others.
5. What is one eating behavior you know you must give up in order to become and continue as the TRUE YOU? I need to give up chocolate and sugar-filled treats. I cannot be trusted with them, and abuse my privileges to have them time and time again. I think it will be a forever thing - nixing the sugar in my diet. I live better without refined sugar in my food, I've noticed, and I remember how I used to gorge myself on a pan of brownies or my grandma's scotch mints - I cannot go back to this, and I will need to give up that behavior in favor of becoming and continuing as the true me :)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Mini achievements
So, I had a really down week last week - mostly because I noticed that I was bloating and almost 'gaining' weight... I went from doing my belt up on the 7th notch (whoot whoot!) to getting it only to the 5th notch in a matter of days. Being so bummed out, my sister and husband suggested that I cut back on the amount of water I was drinking... as I was consuming an astonishing 20 cups of water a day for several days. As soon as I started reducing the amount, I noticed the bloating and water retention going away... now I'm back to normal! Lesson to be learned - you can overdo it on the water.
Additionally, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical tonight. It was tough work, and I really killed it. I think I ran almost 6 miles, according to the monitor on the elliptical, and burned 218 calories. I spent most of the workout on 70+ RPM.
I've noticed significant strengthening as I'm doing my Pilates. Moves that I've barely (if at all) been able to do, I'm increasing my endurance and managing to get through almost entire workouts! Totally stoked. Plus, I notice my flexibility getting increasingly better! Go me!
I've been doing excellent at packing snacks and water places, so that I don't starve or get dehydrated when on the go.
I've started a "100 reasons I want to lose 100 lbs" list, and I'm at reason 65-ish. It's fantastic, thinking of all the things I want to do as I get healthier and lose more weight.
I can't wait to weigh in at the end of my first six weeks of being on PRISM. I want to see how many inches I've lost, and where I'm at in accordance to the scale! Crossing my fingers for big changes!
I've been keeping my calories down, but only now am I noticing the hunger pangs starting to hit... I should probably go to bed, so that I don't feel them anymore haha.
I also really need to work on hitting 1200 calories EVERY day. Eating underneath 1200 calories really can't be that great for my body... so it's my goal for this week. Hit 1200 calories every single day, even if I'm over by a few.
I need to remember to email Sarah and Kathleen tomorrow :) Keep those lovely ladies encouraged! Peace out, blog world! Can't wait to start a new day tomorrow!
Additionally, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical tonight. It was tough work, and I really killed it. I think I ran almost 6 miles, according to the monitor on the elliptical, and burned 218 calories. I spent most of the workout on 70+ RPM.
I've noticed significant strengthening as I'm doing my Pilates. Moves that I've barely (if at all) been able to do, I'm increasing my endurance and managing to get through almost entire workouts! Totally stoked. Plus, I notice my flexibility getting increasingly better! Go me!
I've been doing excellent at packing snacks and water places, so that I don't starve or get dehydrated when on the go.
I've started a "100 reasons I want to lose 100 lbs" list, and I'm at reason 65-ish. It's fantastic, thinking of all the things I want to do as I get healthier and lose more weight.
I can't wait to weigh in at the end of my first six weeks of being on PRISM. I want to see how many inches I've lost, and where I'm at in accordance to the scale! Crossing my fingers for big changes!
I've been keeping my calories down, but only now am I noticing the hunger pangs starting to hit... I should probably go to bed, so that I don't feel them anymore haha.
I also really need to work on hitting 1200 calories EVERY day. Eating underneath 1200 calories really can't be that great for my body... so it's my goal for this week. Hit 1200 calories every single day, even if I'm over by a few.
I need to remember to email Sarah and Kathleen tomorrow :) Keep those lovely ladies encouraged! Peace out, blog world! Can't wait to start a new day tomorrow!
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Three
Personal Evaluation
1. Do you feel vulnerable to any self-sabotage traps right now? Which ones? Why? Sometimes I consider eating some foods outside of the PRISM guidelines - like corn nachos. They don't contain flour or sugar, and they give me something different to eat instead of eating brown rice and rice cakes all the time. Sometimes I feel like the guidelines are a little too stringent, if they don't let you have things that don't contain flour or sugar, but they forbid it 'just because.'
2. Have any of these traps sabotaged your past efforts? How and when? The last time I tried to lose weight, I told myself that I was cutting out alcohol - especially coke and rum (my personal choice). But when I got to a party with my family, I always felt my resolve dissipating, and I gave in to my desire. But this usually led to me having more than one drink and always feeling horrible afterwards....
3. List some KEY PRINCIPLES or guidelines that you can focus on today which will strengthen you in this area. I can focus on following the guidelines as they are listed in the introduction packet, etc. The guidelines are not there to harm me or to deprive me - they are there to guide my journey and teach me new habits and ways of eating, so that I can make more informed decisions about what I am putting into my body.
4. Who will be most affected by your decision to allow yourself to fall into a self-sabotaging trap? Me. And my husband too - because he doesn't like to see me succeed only to destroy all my progress in a short time frame, and then beat myself up about it.
1. Do you feel vulnerable to any self-sabotage traps right now? Which ones? Why? Sometimes I consider eating some foods outside of the PRISM guidelines - like corn nachos. They don't contain flour or sugar, and they give me something different to eat instead of eating brown rice and rice cakes all the time. Sometimes I feel like the guidelines are a little too stringent, if they don't let you have things that don't contain flour or sugar, but they forbid it 'just because.'
2. Have any of these traps sabotaged your past efforts? How and when? The last time I tried to lose weight, I told myself that I was cutting out alcohol - especially coke and rum (my personal choice). But when I got to a party with my family, I always felt my resolve dissipating, and I gave in to my desire. But this usually led to me having more than one drink and always feeling horrible afterwards....
3. List some KEY PRINCIPLES or guidelines that you can focus on today which will strengthen you in this area. I can focus on following the guidelines as they are listed in the introduction packet, etc. The guidelines are not there to harm me or to deprive me - they are there to guide my journey and teach me new habits and ways of eating, so that I can make more informed decisions about what I am putting into my body.
4. Who will be most affected by your decision to allow yourself to fall into a self-sabotaging trap? Me. And my husband too - because he doesn't like to see me succeed only to destroy all my progress in a short time frame, and then beat myself up about it.
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson Two
Personal Evaluation
1. When you are faced with the opportunity to make a dramatic change in your life, how do you respond? What is the level of your hesitation and how do you adjust to the change while it is in process of after it is completed? It depends on what the dramatic change is, but even so, I tend to hesitate and put off making the change. I don't really like change in my life, and I have a hard time accepting it with an open mind. I struggle to accept and cope with the newness, often finding myself resistant to fully accepting the change.
2. When you have the opportunity to have fun and "let go," do you take it without hesitation or must you first be convinced of its value? Do you often find yourself sitting on the sidelines watching the fun? What is your level of hesitation to "have a good time"? Again, it depends on what the "good time" is - I have no issue with participating in having fun, when I feel comfortable with what the fun time is and if I can participate 'adequately'. If having fun is an activity where I feel like I might be judged on the basis of my weight or inability to participate, I will sit on the sidelines and watch - regardless of whether or not I really wanted to participate.
3. Do others often say you take life too seriously? Do you find yourself bogged down trying to understand a problem rather than solve it? No, that isn't very typical of me. I like solving problems - and while I will give myself enough time to think about an appropriate solution or action plan, I don't take life too seriously to the point that life's problems bring me down with them.
4. How do you respond when others compliment you for a success? How do their comments make you feel inside? Do you really agree with their assessment? Usually, I'm very accepting of others' compliments on a success. I feel like when other people notice the good things I'm doing and feel like verbalizing their uplifting opinions, I must have done a really good job indeed. I feel like I glow when people commend me on a job well done - I'm happier and my day just seems brighter. About 90% of the time, I believe other people - unless it's something that I'm dead-set against in my opinions, in which case I might just thank them for their compliment but push it out of my mind shortly afterwards.
5. Do you often accept more responsibilities knowing you will not physically be able to carry them out successfully? Are you always ready and willing to shoulder more responsibility? Do you often feel you failed to perform well in all you were responsible for? Yes, sometimes. Especially at work. I am usually willing and ready to shoulder more responsibility, despite my hesitation or disappointment mentally/emotionally.
1. When you are faced with the opportunity to make a dramatic change in your life, how do you respond? What is the level of your hesitation and how do you adjust to the change while it is in process of after it is completed? It depends on what the dramatic change is, but even so, I tend to hesitate and put off making the change. I don't really like change in my life, and I have a hard time accepting it with an open mind. I struggle to accept and cope with the newness, often finding myself resistant to fully accepting the change.
2. When you have the opportunity to have fun and "let go," do you take it without hesitation or must you first be convinced of its value? Do you often find yourself sitting on the sidelines watching the fun? What is your level of hesitation to "have a good time"? Again, it depends on what the "good time" is - I have no issue with participating in having fun, when I feel comfortable with what the fun time is and if I can participate 'adequately'. If having fun is an activity where I feel like I might be judged on the basis of my weight or inability to participate, I will sit on the sidelines and watch - regardless of whether or not I really wanted to participate.
3. Do others often say you take life too seriously? Do you find yourself bogged down trying to understand a problem rather than solve it? No, that isn't very typical of me. I like solving problems - and while I will give myself enough time to think about an appropriate solution or action plan, I don't take life too seriously to the point that life's problems bring me down with them.
4. How do you respond when others compliment you for a success? How do their comments make you feel inside? Do you really agree with their assessment? Usually, I'm very accepting of others' compliments on a success. I feel like when other people notice the good things I'm doing and feel like verbalizing their uplifting opinions, I must have done a really good job indeed. I feel like I glow when people commend me on a job well done - I'm happier and my day just seems brighter. About 90% of the time, I believe other people - unless it's something that I'm dead-set against in my opinions, in which case I might just thank them for their compliment but push it out of my mind shortly afterwards.
5. Do you often accept more responsibilities knowing you will not physically be able to carry them out successfully? Are you always ready and willing to shoulder more responsibility? Do you often feel you failed to perform well in all you were responsible for? Yes, sometimes. Especially at work. I am usually willing and ready to shoulder more responsibility, despite my hesitation or disappointment mentally/emotionally.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
My Goals - March 23, 2013
1. What is your ultimate overall goal? My ultimate overall goal is to weigh in at around 180 lbs. If this is an unrealistic goal (only time will tell), I merely want to weigh in at less than 200 lbs.
2. What goal would I like to achieve in the next week? I would like to weigh in under 250 lbs, or somewhere between 248-252 lbs - as that would be somewhere in the projected weight loss of 1-2 lbs a week (since the last time I weighed in at 256 lbs, on March 4).
3. What goal would you like to achieve within the next month? I would like to run out of notches on my current belt, and have to go out and buy myself a new one. I'm currently 6/7 notches in, and when I get past 7, I will NOT drill holes in my current belt, but go out and buy myself a new one as a 'pat-on-the-back,' if you will.
4. What goal would you like to achieve within the next 6 months? Exercising at least 6/7 days a week, or approximately 86% of the days in a month. I would also like to be doing cardio exercise for 30 minutes/day, in addition to whatever extra activity I would like to add in.
5. What goal would you like to achieve in a year? I think it's reasonable to achieve an 80-90 lb weight loss within the next year. I've already lost 23ish lbs in the past 3-ish months, so I think it's fairly reasonable to expect another 80-90 lbs to come off within the next 12 months.
2. What goal would I like to achieve in the next week? I would like to weigh in under 250 lbs, or somewhere between 248-252 lbs - as that would be somewhere in the projected weight loss of 1-2 lbs a week (since the last time I weighed in at 256 lbs, on March 4).
3. What goal would you like to achieve within the next month? I would like to run out of notches on my current belt, and have to go out and buy myself a new one. I'm currently 6/7 notches in, and when I get past 7, I will NOT drill holes in my current belt, but go out and buy myself a new one as a 'pat-on-the-back,' if you will.
4. What goal would you like to achieve within the next 6 months? Exercising at least 6/7 days a week, or approximately 86% of the days in a month. I would also like to be doing cardio exercise for 30 minutes/day, in addition to whatever extra activity I would like to add in.
5. What goal would you like to achieve in a year? I think it's reasonable to achieve an 80-90 lb weight loss within the next year. I've already lost 23ish lbs in the past 3-ish months, so I think it's fairly reasonable to expect another 80-90 lbs to come off within the next 12 months.
Friday, March 22, 2013
PWLP: Week Five - Lesson One
Personal Evaluation
1. Since starting the program, what is the most exciting change you have experienced in "who you are"? There are two things for me: the first has been how my belt has gone from being on the first notch to the sixth notch in a matter of months. I know this isn't really 'who I am' and yet it totally is. My whole life I've been self-defined as the fat redhead... and for once, I feel farther from that description than I ever have in my life. The second thing is the freedom that I experience daily. I don't feel enslaved or tied down to food anymore - I have the freedom to eat when I want or not to eat... I don't feel uncontrollable urges to consume ridiculous amounts of sugary sweets or breads, and I feel satisfied in general.
2. How has this change affected your life and those close to you? I have a better perspective on life. I have a better perspective of myself. I take pride in who I am and what I do with my time, and I feel like it reflects better on me as a person, in general. For the people around me, I feel like I'm an inspiration. I know that my success and journey is inspiring to those who want to make changes as I have. For them to see me happy and succeeding, as opposed to starving and uncomfortable, makes them feel like their goals are also attainable.
3. Have you ever before experienced this level of success in a "project of self-change"? When? No, not ever. I've never felt this way, nor experienced this level of loss in my life. This is brand new and wonderful to me. I feel so empowered and successful most days...
4. What are some of the obstacles you faced in the past as you approached the point of success? Going to a function/preparing treats for my husband, and gorging/binging on the treats during the process. The binging usually sent me in a downward spiral that I couldn't recover from. Disappointment and frustration from stepping on the scale too often also became a major obstacle for me. Additionally, no support from my family and friends - not that they didn't support my changes, they just weren't going with me on the journey and I felt very alone and like no one understood what I was going through. This time, my husband is very much part of the journey, and my sister is doing it with me. It's a lot easier knowing you have someone walking the same path as you :) Thanks, sister!!!
1. Since starting the program, what is the most exciting change you have experienced in "who you are"? There are two things for me: the first has been how my belt has gone from being on the first notch to the sixth notch in a matter of months. I know this isn't really 'who I am' and yet it totally is. My whole life I've been self-defined as the fat redhead... and for once, I feel farther from that description than I ever have in my life. The second thing is the freedom that I experience daily. I don't feel enslaved or tied down to food anymore - I have the freedom to eat when I want or not to eat... I don't feel uncontrollable urges to consume ridiculous amounts of sugary sweets or breads, and I feel satisfied in general.
2. How has this change affected your life and those close to you? I have a better perspective on life. I have a better perspective of myself. I take pride in who I am and what I do with my time, and I feel like it reflects better on me as a person, in general. For the people around me, I feel like I'm an inspiration. I know that my success and journey is inspiring to those who want to make changes as I have. For them to see me happy and succeeding, as opposed to starving and uncomfortable, makes them feel like their goals are also attainable.
3. Have you ever before experienced this level of success in a "project of self-change"? When? No, not ever. I've never felt this way, nor experienced this level of loss in my life. This is brand new and wonderful to me. I feel so empowered and successful most days...
4. What are some of the obstacles you faced in the past as you approached the point of success? Going to a function/preparing treats for my husband, and gorging/binging on the treats during the process. The binging usually sent me in a downward spiral that I couldn't recover from. Disappointment and frustration from stepping on the scale too often also became a major obstacle for me. Additionally, no support from my family and friends - not that they didn't support my changes, they just weren't going with me on the journey and I felt very alone and like no one understood what I was going through. This time, my husband is very much part of the journey, and my sister is doing it with me. It's a lot easier knowing you have someone walking the same path as you :) Thanks, sister!!!
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson 7 - My Personal Affirmation
My Personal Affirmation
I am a beautiful, healthy woman. Clean-eating, and being active are pillars in my life. I am a health-conscious individual who understands that her body is a gift and privilege, Jesus' temple. It is not mine, and I must treat it with the utmost care and respect. I will be virtually free of health problems, and won't require as many (if any) medications or drugs to cope and deal with any health afflictions I may have.
I am a spiritually sound woman, who believes in the power of miracles and the love of Christ. I will daily wash myself in His forgiveness and His truth that each day begins anew. I will accept myself as a fearfully and wonderfully made child of God, and will find solace and strength in the knowledge that He is 100% behind my new lifestyle and changes, and that with Him everything is possible.
Mentally, I am confident and determined. I don't wait for motivation to find me, but I go out and motivate myself - striving for only the best and the greatest. I am not a quitter. I will not allow anything to defeat me and break my efforts.
I will become the wife, mother, daughter, sister, coworker, and friend that I've always wanted to be. I will inspire others with my story and my journey.
I am a beautiful, healthy woman. Clean-eating, and being active are pillars in my life. I am a health-conscious individual who understands that her body is a gift and privilege, Jesus' temple. It is not mine, and I must treat it with the utmost care and respect. I will be virtually free of health problems, and won't require as many (if any) medications or drugs to cope and deal with any health afflictions I may have.
I am a spiritually sound woman, who believes in the power of miracles and the love of Christ. I will daily wash myself in His forgiveness and His truth that each day begins anew. I will accept myself as a fearfully and wonderfully made child of God, and will find solace and strength in the knowledge that He is 100% behind my new lifestyle and changes, and that with Him everything is possible.
Mentally, I am confident and determined. I don't wait for motivation to find me, but I go out and motivate myself - striving for only the best and the greatest. I am not a quitter. I will not allow anything to defeat me and break my efforts.
I will become the wife, mother, daughter, sister, coworker, and friend that I've always wanted to be. I will inspire others with my story and my journey.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson Five
Personal Evaluation
1. How have the problems of others close to you and your reactions to them affected your eating behavior? When I was affected negatively by life and the people in it, I would always respond by reacting - by going out and eating away my problems. I would eat treats and candies to ease my hurt and sadness regarding other people and situations in my life.
2. Are you a "reactor" or a "responder"? What evidence do you have to support your answer? Usually I was a reactor, but since starting PRISM I am a responder. Same as above.
3. How does your reaction or response to another's problem or behavior reflect your trust and love for them? I react because I care - I love people and I want them to feel better. Often, I am so affected emotionally by another person's problem that I feel like I too am also hurting.
4. When you nurture yourself through food, what does that say about your love and trust in yourself? It says that I value myself and my body. That I'm not trying to destroy it or abuse it, but that I am a conscious
5. Think of a time in your life when you reacted to a problem by overeating. How would you face this problem differently today by responding rather than reacting? When I lived in Edmonton, when I felt upset about my boyfriend or about school, I'd go to the cafeteria and buy bags of chocolate and boxes of chicken fingers and fries and would often eat all of them in a single sitting. There would be no food left over by the end of the night. My friends and I would order large pizzas and chocolate cakes and devour the entire meal by the time the night was through. Today, if I was upset about school or my husband, I would talk to my friends/family about it, and would take a break from the moment to gain a new perspective. I would eat something that would make me feel comforted, but I wouldn't overeat or fill my void with food.
1. How have the problems of others close to you and your reactions to them affected your eating behavior? When I was affected negatively by life and the people in it, I would always respond by reacting - by going out and eating away my problems. I would eat treats and candies to ease my hurt and sadness regarding other people and situations in my life.
2. Are you a "reactor" or a "responder"? What evidence do you have to support your answer? Usually I was a reactor, but since starting PRISM I am a responder. Same as above.
3. How does your reaction or response to another's problem or behavior reflect your trust and love for them? I react because I care - I love people and I want them to feel better. Often, I am so affected emotionally by another person's problem that I feel like I too am also hurting.
4. When you nurture yourself through food, what does that say about your love and trust in yourself? It says that I value myself and my body. That I'm not trying to destroy it or abuse it, but that I am a conscious
5. Think of a time in your life when you reacted to a problem by overeating. How would you face this problem differently today by responding rather than reacting? When I lived in Edmonton, when I felt upset about my boyfriend or about school, I'd go to the cafeteria and buy bags of chocolate and boxes of chicken fingers and fries and would often eat all of them in a single sitting. There would be no food left over by the end of the night. My friends and I would order large pizzas and chocolate cakes and devour the entire meal by the time the night was through. Today, if I was upset about school or my husband, I would talk to my friends/family about it, and would take a break from the moment to gain a new perspective. I would eat something that would make me feel comforted, but I wouldn't overeat or fill my void with food.
Monday, March 18, 2013
YAY!!!
So my elliptical has been broken for a few days... in an attempt to tighten the bolts on the machine (after over a year of zero maintenance), one of the bolts for the arms died. The head twisted right off of the screwy base, and thus, the arm came off. Not a very safe machine to exercise on. My hubby promised to fix it for me right away, but we didn't have an opportunity to pick up a new bolt until last night, and even then after it was fixed, I wasn't really in the mood to get on and go.
In lieu of that, I picked up a foam exercise mat and a pilates kit from the 'happiest place on earth' (aka WalMart) so that even if I couldn't do my cardio, I was still getting some genuine exercise time in.
Let me start off by saying: HOLY CRAP. Am I outta shape, boy.
I could barely do a push up, or a reverse crunch, or a frogger... ugh. And I somehow managed to bruise my tailbone the first night I did it, which made the next few days an agony to do floor work on. Thankfully the mat I picked up is uber cushion-y, so it's a lot easier on my back - especially with our tile flooring. I've mainly been focusing on a beginner's ab and arm workout, followed by a stretching tutorial for being able to do the splits. All the Pilates videos I use are by Cassey Ho, on the YouTube, for her channel Blogilates. Each day I'm improving - I can see the difference. The first day I did her arms workout, I did less than 1/2 of the portion dedicated to "golf ball" and "soccer ball" arms... today I did more like 3/4 of the move. I did a few pushups even, though hardly graceful. I'm getting more flexible, and will hopefully be able to do the splits soon...
I'm looking forward to using my new stability ball, tension bands, and hand weights as well... including the instructional DVDs. I just haven't found a time to break those puppies out yet. I mean, Cassey's tutorials are super upbeat, fun, and encouraging. I don't feel like such a loser in my living room when I can't finish the entire tutorial. I merely try to study and memorize the moves so that when I am able to participate, I will know what to do.
Today I stepped onto the elliptical for the first time in 2 days. I was worried that I lost my stamina and endurance and self-motivation for the cardio workout, but I got on and KILLED that workout. Seriously. I burned 212 calories in 20 minutes. I took a break after my first 10 minutes, and after 15 minutes, because I was going anywhere between 68 and 71 RPM. Intense. Super glad to have it back though. Combined with the Pilates, I'm sure I'm going to be getting a better workout. The strengthening from the pilates is sure to help my endurance on the elliptical - or at least, that's my thought anyways.
On another note, I've been bombing with food choices lately. Oh, I haven't been going over my calories, but I've been taking in WAY too much sodium. I mean, I've noticed that eating over 1000mg of sodium does unhappy things to my body... namely bloating and swelling in the finger and waistline regions. So I lowered my values for sodium on MyFitnessPal to 1150 mg/day. I think that's pretty reasonable, considering it's set by default to like 2500 mg/day, and that's simply outrageous in my opinion. What the heck are you doing eating that much salt!? To me, that's like on par with eating a bunch of refined sugar. Your body definitely doesn't need that much salt. Unfortunately, I went WAY over acceptable limits for my body today - totaling in at a ghastly 1920 mg today. Ugh. I'm going to be feeling that tomorrow. Fortunately, I've been drinking lots of water - by the end of today I should have finished about 20 cups of water. So hopefully that'll just flush out my system....
Now a day later, my belt is down to the SEVENTH NOTCH, people! This is stellar news!! I managed to pull in my belt to the last notch for the entire day, and I was so encouraged by these results!!! It means I'm losing inches and I'm getting better :) SO EXCITED!!!
In lieu of that, I picked up a foam exercise mat and a pilates kit from the 'happiest place on earth' (aka WalMart) so that even if I couldn't do my cardio, I was still getting some genuine exercise time in.
Let me start off by saying: HOLY CRAP. Am I outta shape, boy.
I could barely do a push up, or a reverse crunch, or a frogger... ugh. And I somehow managed to bruise my tailbone the first night I did it, which made the next few days an agony to do floor work on. Thankfully the mat I picked up is uber cushion-y, so it's a lot easier on my back - especially with our tile flooring. I've mainly been focusing on a beginner's ab and arm workout, followed by a stretching tutorial for being able to do the splits. All the Pilates videos I use are by Cassey Ho, on the YouTube, for her channel Blogilates. Each day I'm improving - I can see the difference. The first day I did her arms workout, I did less than 1/2 of the portion dedicated to "golf ball" and "soccer ball" arms... today I did more like 3/4 of the move. I did a few pushups even, though hardly graceful. I'm getting more flexible, and will hopefully be able to do the splits soon...
I'm looking forward to using my new stability ball, tension bands, and hand weights as well... including the instructional DVDs. I just haven't found a time to break those puppies out yet. I mean, Cassey's tutorials are super upbeat, fun, and encouraging. I don't feel like such a loser in my living room when I can't finish the entire tutorial. I merely try to study and memorize the moves so that when I am able to participate, I will know what to do.
Today I stepped onto the elliptical for the first time in 2 days. I was worried that I lost my stamina and endurance and self-motivation for the cardio workout, but I got on and KILLED that workout. Seriously. I burned 212 calories in 20 minutes. I took a break after my first 10 minutes, and after 15 minutes, because I was going anywhere between 68 and 71 RPM. Intense. Super glad to have it back though. Combined with the Pilates, I'm sure I'm going to be getting a better workout. The strengthening from the pilates is sure to help my endurance on the elliptical - or at least, that's my thought anyways.
On another note, I've been bombing with food choices lately. Oh, I haven't been going over my calories, but I've been taking in WAY too much sodium. I mean, I've noticed that eating over 1000mg of sodium does unhappy things to my body... namely bloating and swelling in the finger and waistline regions. So I lowered my values for sodium on MyFitnessPal to 1150 mg/day. I think that's pretty reasonable, considering it's set by default to like 2500 mg/day, and that's simply outrageous in my opinion. What the heck are you doing eating that much salt!? To me, that's like on par with eating a bunch of refined sugar. Your body definitely doesn't need that much salt. Unfortunately, I went WAY over acceptable limits for my body today - totaling in at a ghastly 1920 mg today. Ugh. I'm going to be feeling that tomorrow. Fortunately, I've been drinking lots of water - by the end of today I should have finished about 20 cups of water. So hopefully that'll just flush out my system....
Now a day later, my belt is down to the SEVENTH NOTCH, people! This is stellar news!! I managed to pull in my belt to the last notch for the entire day, and I was so encouraged by these results!!! It means I'm losing inches and I'm getting better :) SO EXCITED!!!
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson Four
Personal Evaluation
1. Look again at the symptoms of addiction and compulsion. Which ones did you find were true in your life? How have these symptoms affected your life? I found that the following symptoms were true in my life: "health problems," "food focus," "tranquilizer," "responsibility transfer," and "mystery metabolism." Quite honestly, these symptoms made my life horrible. I felt like a slave to my emotions, food, and my health. I was sick and hurting all the time, and I never felt emotionally healed because of the way I looked at food.
2. How will your life change when you remove those symptoms? I will see food for what it really is - a mechanism for survival. I don't live to eat, I eat to live. I won't make excuses for my laziness and addiction - my problem is ALL me, and it's ALL correctable. I don't need excuses when I own up to the way I've treated food.
3. How long did it take for your "satisfied" feeling to wear off after you overate? Pretty much immediately. In fact, when I overate, I would just keep cramming food into my mouth. I never knew if I was full or satisfied or anything... I would shove the whole pan of brownies in my mouth, and then realize that I hadn't left any for my husband and be overwhelmed by crushing guilt and embarrassment. And yet, those feelings never completely suppressed my desire (and need) for MORE brownies.
4. Read your answer to question two. When these symptoms are removed from your life, how long will your feelings of personal satisfaction last? My personal satisfaction will last as long as I stick with this program and continue on this healthy journey. My personal satisfaction is found in the way I feel, the way my health has sky-rocketed, and in the way I see myself. I can tell that I'm losing weight and inches, and that satisfaction is forever. It's not a temporary thing - I wake up every day grateful for the changes I've made and excited for the changes that are yet to come!
5. Compare your answers to questions three and four. How does this make you feel? It makes me feel optimistic, hopeful, and excited. I know how much PRISM is changing my life, and I know how horribly I abused food and my body in the past. I don't want to go back to my old ways - in fact, I'm petrified of it. I want to maintain this wonderful lifestyle of health and wellness. I don't want to be a slave to food or addiction or compulsion... I feel so empowered and capable - this feeling is amazing!
1. Look again at the symptoms of addiction and compulsion. Which ones did you find were true in your life? How have these symptoms affected your life? I found that the following symptoms were true in my life: "health problems," "food focus," "tranquilizer," "responsibility transfer," and "mystery metabolism." Quite honestly, these symptoms made my life horrible. I felt like a slave to my emotions, food, and my health. I was sick and hurting all the time, and I never felt emotionally healed because of the way I looked at food.
2. How will your life change when you remove those symptoms? I will see food for what it really is - a mechanism for survival. I don't live to eat, I eat to live. I won't make excuses for my laziness and addiction - my problem is ALL me, and it's ALL correctable. I don't need excuses when I own up to the way I've treated food.
3. How long did it take for your "satisfied" feeling to wear off after you overate? Pretty much immediately. In fact, when I overate, I would just keep cramming food into my mouth. I never knew if I was full or satisfied or anything... I would shove the whole pan of brownies in my mouth, and then realize that I hadn't left any for my husband and be overwhelmed by crushing guilt and embarrassment. And yet, those feelings never completely suppressed my desire (and need) for MORE brownies.
4. Read your answer to question two. When these symptoms are removed from your life, how long will your feelings of personal satisfaction last? My personal satisfaction will last as long as I stick with this program and continue on this healthy journey. My personal satisfaction is found in the way I feel, the way my health has sky-rocketed, and in the way I see myself. I can tell that I'm losing weight and inches, and that satisfaction is forever. It's not a temporary thing - I wake up every day grateful for the changes I've made and excited for the changes that are yet to come!
5. Compare your answers to questions three and four. How does this make you feel? It makes me feel optimistic, hopeful, and excited. I know how much PRISM is changing my life, and I know how horribly I abused food and my body in the past. I don't want to go back to my old ways - in fact, I'm petrified of it. I want to maintain this wonderful lifestyle of health and wellness. I don't want to be a slave to food or addiction or compulsion... I feel so empowered and capable - this feeling is amazing!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson Three
Personal Evaluation
1. What feelings did you experience as you read through this lesson? I felt a real awareness of my own struggles with food addiction and compulsion. I felt ashamed and embarassed, but understood and free. Clearly, I'm not the only one who struggles with this - and so other people are where I'm at and have overcome the obstacles of food addiction. I felt empowered, because the lesson is addressing a change in the way I'll live forever - not as a slave to food or my habits, but free to overcome my struggles and personal failings and to live in a way that honors God.
2. Did reading about this subject cause you discomfort? Did it confirm your suspicions? Explain what this means in terms of your self-image. I felt uncomfortable as I read through, only because it sounded too familiar to me. I've always struggled with feeling out of control - whenever I'm in a situation that I can't control, I turn to food to comfort me and help me through the rough patches. I felt like today's lesson really struck home for me, by identifying lack of self-control and stress as key contributors to food addiction and compulsion. For me, this program and understanding the way my food addiction/compulsions work, means self-control. It means taking my life by the reins, in a way I never have before. I feel like I can finally be in-control of my life, and stop leaning on food as my crutch.
3. Do you have any family members or close friends with a history of addiction or compulsion? How does their problem compare to your behaviors? I know of several people close to me that have struggled or continue to struggle with addictions and/or compulsions. I see a whole bunch of things like craze, exhaustion, deceit, guiltiness, desire, naivety, and obsession guide their well-versed lives. It hurts me to see them be slaves to their minds and bodies, and it hurts me to know that I too am a slave like them. Their lives very much parallel my own, in a way I never noticed before - actions and behaviors that never struck me as odd, now send up warning flags when I realize that I am also an addict and struggle in the same way they do.
4. Do you have difficulty admitting or accepting that you may have a serious problem with eating? Why? No, I don't. For the last few months before starting PRISM, I noticed that I had a 'problem' with certain foods like chocolate-covered granola bars, Coca Cola and other sodas, as well as cookies, chocolate, and buttered-popcorn flavored Crispy Minis. I couldn't figure out why I got such strong and overwhelming cravings for these foods, and why I managed to down obscene quantities of them in such a little amount of time, yet still craving more. I wouldn't have thought to call my problem an 'addiction,' but that's certainly what it is. I have no shame in admitting that I am a food addict and need help in rehabilitating from my problem/disease. It's freeing to accept this truth as part of my identity, without letting it dictate and guide my life.
1. What feelings did you experience as you read through this lesson? I felt a real awareness of my own struggles with food addiction and compulsion. I felt ashamed and embarassed, but understood and free. Clearly, I'm not the only one who struggles with this - and so other people are where I'm at and have overcome the obstacles of food addiction. I felt empowered, because the lesson is addressing a change in the way I'll live forever - not as a slave to food or my habits, but free to overcome my struggles and personal failings and to live in a way that honors God.
2. Did reading about this subject cause you discomfort? Did it confirm your suspicions? Explain what this means in terms of your self-image. I felt uncomfortable as I read through, only because it sounded too familiar to me. I've always struggled with feeling out of control - whenever I'm in a situation that I can't control, I turn to food to comfort me and help me through the rough patches. I felt like today's lesson really struck home for me, by identifying lack of self-control and stress as key contributors to food addiction and compulsion. For me, this program and understanding the way my food addiction/compulsions work, means self-control. It means taking my life by the reins, in a way I never have before. I feel like I can finally be in-control of my life, and stop leaning on food as my crutch.
3. Do you have any family members or close friends with a history of addiction or compulsion? How does their problem compare to your behaviors? I know of several people close to me that have struggled or continue to struggle with addictions and/or compulsions. I see a whole bunch of things like craze, exhaustion, deceit, guiltiness, desire, naivety, and obsession guide their well-versed lives. It hurts me to see them be slaves to their minds and bodies, and it hurts me to know that I too am a slave like them. Their lives very much parallel my own, in a way I never noticed before - actions and behaviors that never struck me as odd, now send up warning flags when I realize that I am also an addict and struggle in the same way they do.
4. Do you have difficulty admitting or accepting that you may have a serious problem with eating? Why? No, I don't. For the last few months before starting PRISM, I noticed that I had a 'problem' with certain foods like chocolate-covered granola bars, Coca Cola and other sodas, as well as cookies, chocolate, and buttered-popcorn flavored Crispy Minis. I couldn't figure out why I got such strong and overwhelming cravings for these foods, and why I managed to down obscene quantities of them in such a little amount of time, yet still craving more. I wouldn't have thought to call my problem an 'addiction,' but that's certainly what it is. I have no shame in admitting that I am a food addict and need help in rehabilitating from my problem/disease. It's freeing to accept this truth as part of my identity, without letting it dictate and guide my life.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson Two
Personal Evaluation
1. How have the opinions and statements of others affected your eating behaviors? When I have a bad day, or someone's said something sort of negative to me about my weight, I tend to go to two extremes - I either starve myself or binge. Or I do both, and binge in secret. I've always been a yo-yo-er when it comes to responding to the opinions and statements of others about my weight. Sometimes the worst comments people have made are to say that I am "okay the way I am" and that I'm "just big-boned, it's in the family." Because I always felt like those are crutch statements to coverup for the truth - that this isn't healthy but no one wants to make a change about it.
2. How do you feel about the current role you play in your family drama? I feel uncomfortable sometimes. I love my family, but sometimes I feel like I'm the black sheep - the one on the outside, looking in. Because I don't always agree with them, and because I'm more strongly opinionated about certain topics, I feel like I make myself be an outcast in my family, and I have to work to fit in. Sometimes I think my eating habits reflect that.
3. What would you like to change about this role? I would like to be a success story and a role-model for my family. I'd like to be on the inside but not as a result of the things I do, but because of the attitudes and opinions I have - or the way that I keep those attitudes/opinions to myself, especially if they will cause conflict.
4. What decisions can you make today to effect the above changes? I'm not really 100% sure. This is something I'd need to think more about to know how to deal with it.
1. How have the opinions and statements of others affected your eating behaviors? When I have a bad day, or someone's said something sort of negative to me about my weight, I tend to go to two extremes - I either starve myself or binge. Or I do both, and binge in secret. I've always been a yo-yo-er when it comes to responding to the opinions and statements of others about my weight. Sometimes the worst comments people have made are to say that I am "okay the way I am" and that I'm "just big-boned, it's in the family." Because I always felt like those are crutch statements to coverup for the truth - that this isn't healthy but no one wants to make a change about it.
2. How do you feel about the current role you play in your family drama? I feel uncomfortable sometimes. I love my family, but sometimes I feel like I'm the black sheep - the one on the outside, looking in. Because I don't always agree with them, and because I'm more strongly opinionated about certain topics, I feel like I make myself be an outcast in my family, and I have to work to fit in. Sometimes I think my eating habits reflect that.
3. What would you like to change about this role? I would like to be a success story and a role-model for my family. I'd like to be on the inside but not as a result of the things I do, but because of the attitudes and opinions I have - or the way that I keep those attitudes/opinions to myself, especially if they will cause conflict.
4. What decisions can you make today to effect the above changes? I'm not really 100% sure. This is something I'd need to think more about to know how to deal with it.
PWLP: Week Four - Lesson One
Personal Evaluation
1. What are two or three negative statements you make to yourself every day concerning your weight loss? "No matter what I do, I'll always be fat - I may lose a little bit of weight, but I'll never be under 200 lbs." "I'll never be able to play sports with my family - I'll always weigh too much, and it will hinder me from safely participating." "The thighs on my pants will always be the first to wear out, because I'll never lose enough weight in my thighs..."
2. Applying what you have learned about changing negative words to positive ones, re-write the above statements in the space below. "From now on, I'll never be 'fat' again. Every step I take from today onwards, is a step towards becoming the healthy, slender, TRUE ME that I've always wanted to be. It may be a long journey, but I will eventually get there if I stick with this." "The more I exercise and push myself, the sooner I'll be able to play sports with my family." "Very soon, the thighs on my pants will be the LAST part to wear out - in fact, the cuffs of the pants will wear out first because of all the physical activity I will be doing on a daily basis."
3. How do you feel about who you are right in this moment? I feel good about who I'm becoming. I feel discouraged sometimes because I want to see results a lot faster than they are actually happening - or faster than I perceive them happening. Right in this moment, I feel a little bummed out because I haven't been able to work out on our elliptical for two days since it's broken at the moment... it makes me feel lazy and stir crazy, and like I'm going backwards in the days I'm not using it.
4. How does your opinion of yourself today affect your actions and attitudes toward yourself and others? When I feel bad about myself, I don't put 110% into the program. That's not to say I cheat or let myself go, I just don't feel like I reap the benefits as much when I'm feeling down and out. I feel like I'm going through the motions because in the end I won't get the results I need/desire. I likely won't treat others as good as I should, because internally I'll be upset and discouraged.
5. List some beliefs you have about yourself. How did each of these beliefs originate? I believe that I am a happy and bubbly person - I have clients and coworkers tell me that all the time. I believe that I'm fat because that's what I've told myself.
6. Think about the beliefs you listed above and their origination. How can you build on the positive ones and eliminate or diminish the negative ones? I can associate myself with people who appreciate and love the fact that I'm happy and bubbly - I can channel that happiness and bubbliness into all the I do, including my PRISM program and exercise. I can diminish the negative thought by telling myself that I will NEVER weigh more than I do today, and cling to that knowledge in all that I do.
1. What are two or three negative statements you make to yourself every day concerning your weight loss? "No matter what I do, I'll always be fat - I may lose a little bit of weight, but I'll never be under 200 lbs." "I'll never be able to play sports with my family - I'll always weigh too much, and it will hinder me from safely participating." "The thighs on my pants will always be the first to wear out, because I'll never lose enough weight in my thighs..."
2. Applying what you have learned about changing negative words to positive ones, re-write the above statements in the space below. "From now on, I'll never be 'fat' again. Every step I take from today onwards, is a step towards becoming the healthy, slender, TRUE ME that I've always wanted to be. It may be a long journey, but I will eventually get there if I stick with this." "The more I exercise and push myself, the sooner I'll be able to play sports with my family." "Very soon, the thighs on my pants will be the LAST part to wear out - in fact, the cuffs of the pants will wear out first because of all the physical activity I will be doing on a daily basis."
3. How do you feel about who you are right in this moment? I feel good about who I'm becoming. I feel discouraged sometimes because I want to see results a lot faster than they are actually happening - or faster than I perceive them happening. Right in this moment, I feel a little bummed out because I haven't been able to work out on our elliptical for two days since it's broken at the moment... it makes me feel lazy and stir crazy, and like I'm going backwards in the days I'm not using it.
4. How does your opinion of yourself today affect your actions and attitudes toward yourself and others? When I feel bad about myself, I don't put 110% into the program. That's not to say I cheat or let myself go, I just don't feel like I reap the benefits as much when I'm feeling down and out. I feel like I'm going through the motions because in the end I won't get the results I need/desire. I likely won't treat others as good as I should, because internally I'll be upset and discouraged.
5. List some beliefs you have about yourself. How did each of these beliefs originate? I believe that I am a happy and bubbly person - I have clients and coworkers tell me that all the time. I believe that I'm fat because that's what I've told myself.
6. Think about the beliefs you listed above and their origination. How can you build on the positive ones and eliminate or diminish the negative ones? I can associate myself with people who appreciate and love the fact that I'm happy and bubbly - I can channel that happiness and bubbliness into all the I do, including my PRISM program and exercise. I can diminish the negative thought by telling myself that I will NEVER weigh more than I do today, and cling to that knowledge in all that I do.
PWLP: Week Three - Lesson Seven
Personal Evaluation
1. What is your attitude today about physical activity? What habits result from the attitude? I do not have a confident opinion about physical activity - part of my mind, the part influenced by the media, thinks that physical activity is only for healthy and fit people, or for people who need to lose weight. On the other hand, I feel that physical activity should be a natural and normal part of every day life. I feel like physical activity is something that must be forced, or consciously be pursued, that it very rarely comes naturally as a part of daily living. As a result, I tend to avoid physical activity because I am neither a fit, healthy or slender person. However, because I am trying to get healthy, I do actively force or pursue physical activity in my life. Because I don't have very good or true attitudes about physical activity, I don't have very good habits in regards to it either.
2. When you think of increased physical activity in your life, how does that make you feel? I feel empowered and in-control and excited.
3. Do you believe that slender people are more active than overweight people? What does your answer mean to you? Yes, I do believe that slender people are more active than overweight people. Partially because they don't have the obstacles that excess weight poses, but also because it's like they pursue fitness to become slender. These thoughts or this answer means that I can also be slender by increasing my physical activity, and stop being a couch potato.
4. How does the excitement of becoming the healthy, TRUE YOU that you were created to be compare to the extra time and energy you might have to expend to achieve it? Some days it sucks to be exercising or being more active, but it really can't compare to the way I feel or the way I know I'll feel a few months or years down the road of making a consistent effort to be physically active.
5. What are some ways that you can incorporate more physical activity into your life? I am already trying to take the stairs when I get to the train station - right now I'm up to one set of stairs, but I really need to start doing the second set as well. I could get off a stop early on the train and walk the rest of the way to work. In the summer, I could try walking all the way to work instead of taking transit. I stand on the train, I don't take a seat. I can try to do 30 minutes of cardio AT LEAST 5 days a week, if not 7.
1. What is your attitude today about physical activity? What habits result from the attitude? I do not have a confident opinion about physical activity - part of my mind, the part influenced by the media, thinks that physical activity is only for healthy and fit people, or for people who need to lose weight. On the other hand, I feel that physical activity should be a natural and normal part of every day life. I feel like physical activity is something that must be forced, or consciously be pursued, that it very rarely comes naturally as a part of daily living. As a result, I tend to avoid physical activity because I am neither a fit, healthy or slender person. However, because I am trying to get healthy, I do actively force or pursue physical activity in my life. Because I don't have very good or true attitudes about physical activity, I don't have very good habits in regards to it either.
2. When you think of increased physical activity in your life, how does that make you feel? I feel empowered and in-control and excited.
3. Do you believe that slender people are more active than overweight people? What does your answer mean to you? Yes, I do believe that slender people are more active than overweight people. Partially because they don't have the obstacles that excess weight poses, but also because it's like they pursue fitness to become slender. These thoughts or this answer means that I can also be slender by increasing my physical activity, and stop being a couch potato.
4. How does the excitement of becoming the healthy, TRUE YOU that you were created to be compare to the extra time and energy you might have to expend to achieve it? Some days it sucks to be exercising or being more active, but it really can't compare to the way I feel or the way I know I'll feel a few months or years down the road of making a consistent effort to be physically active.
5. What are some ways that you can incorporate more physical activity into your life? I am already trying to take the stairs when I get to the train station - right now I'm up to one set of stairs, but I really need to start doing the second set as well. I could get off a stop early on the train and walk the rest of the way to work. In the summer, I could try walking all the way to work instead of taking transit. I stand on the train, I don't take a seat. I can try to do 30 minutes of cardio AT LEAST 5 days a week, if not 7.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Leaps and bounds...?
So I have to admit this whole going-without-the-scale thing is throwing me off. I'm wanting to see what progress has been made, but I can't weigh myself and I can't measure myself. So I have to judge my success in terms of the physical differences I can make out. It's difficult, because quite honestly, I don't know that I've made much progress in the past week at all.
I feel like I'm stuck at 256.6 lbs still, because I don't see any 'major' differences in my body yet. For example, I haven't been able to tighten my belt to the sixth notch yet, and in my head - if I was making 'real' progress, I'd be able to do that by now. Additionally, my rings should be loose all the freaking time. And I wouldn't bloat - especially towards the end of the day. And yet, I'm still on notch #5, I can only pull my rings on and off easily at the end of the day, and I can still feel my stomach pressing against my pants towards 6 o'clock. Maybe it's because I'm not moving enough or something - either way, it's frustrating and depressing.
And yet, I'm positive that I'm growing leaps and bounds. Heck, when was the last time I could lightly jog 15 minutes in a row...? Probably over a year ago... Did I ever think I'd comfortably complete 20 minutes of the elliptical a night? Nope. If I'm honest with myself, did I think I would be sticking with this program at this point still? Absolutely not. In fact, as much as I denied it to myself, I definitely thought that by now I would have thrown in the towel, called it quits, and hunkered down in my comfy blue chair with a bag of Mini Eggs to soothe the emptiness in my... tummy?
So while this is incredibly difficult some days, I keep plugging away. Because I know that this is going to pay off in the end - whether that be 2 months or 2 years from now - it will pay off. I know that I like myself better taking these changes into account - I feel better without the sugar or flour in my life, and I don't really want to go back...
Things to consider :)
I feel like I'm stuck at 256.6 lbs still, because I don't see any 'major' differences in my body yet. For example, I haven't been able to tighten my belt to the sixth notch yet, and in my head - if I was making 'real' progress, I'd be able to do that by now. Additionally, my rings should be loose all the freaking time. And I wouldn't bloat - especially towards the end of the day. And yet, I'm still on notch #5, I can only pull my rings on and off easily at the end of the day, and I can still feel my stomach pressing against my pants towards 6 o'clock. Maybe it's because I'm not moving enough or something - either way, it's frustrating and depressing.
And yet, I'm positive that I'm growing leaps and bounds. Heck, when was the last time I could lightly jog 15 minutes in a row...? Probably over a year ago... Did I ever think I'd comfortably complete 20 minutes of the elliptical a night? Nope. If I'm honest with myself, did I think I would be sticking with this program at this point still? Absolutely not. In fact, as much as I denied it to myself, I definitely thought that by now I would have thrown in the towel, called it quits, and hunkered down in my comfy blue chair with a bag of Mini Eggs to soothe the emptiness in my... tummy?
So while this is incredibly difficult some days, I keep plugging away. Because I know that this is going to pay off in the end - whether that be 2 months or 2 years from now - it will pay off. I know that I like myself better taking these changes into account - I feel better without the sugar or flour in my life, and I don't really want to go back...
Things to consider :)
Sunday, March 10, 2013
A bit of a fail...
So today has been a bit of a fail... It started off pretty well and just went steadily downhill from there... Diet-wise anyways...
My biggest problem was snacking on salty nachos and eating a crap ton of guacamole. I can already see and feel my body swelling from water retention. Ugh. I feel disgusting and I am disappointed in myself.
I also had two of these sparkling beverages with sucralose as the sixth ingredient. And I feel miserable about that... I just don't feel as good as I have been lately. I feel tired and sluggish. Just downright crappy.
Plus I went WAY over my calorie limit for the day. Some binging definitely went down.
I am disappointed and disgusted and frustrated with myself. I can't believe I let this evening go so far... I just feel so horrible about throwing all the skills I have learned this far away for a night of crazy eating...
Dear Lord, I am sorry for abusing my body this way. Tonight was not supposed to happen like this. You know my heart, Lord. You know I didn't intend for this to happen. I am sorry for letting You and myself down. I will use tonight as an example and lesson. An opportunity to grow. Please forgive me for the mistakes I made tonight, and please grant me the strength and courage to carry on tomorrow as a better and wiser servant. Help me also to forgive myself and to use tonight as a learning opportunity. I love you and thank you for giving me second chances. Love, Me.
My biggest problem was snacking on salty nachos and eating a crap ton of guacamole. I can already see and feel my body swelling from water retention. Ugh. I feel disgusting and I am disappointed in myself.
I also had two of these sparkling beverages with sucralose as the sixth ingredient. And I feel miserable about that... I just don't feel as good as I have been lately. I feel tired and sluggish. Just downright crappy.
Plus I went WAY over my calorie limit for the day. Some binging definitely went down.
I am disappointed and disgusted and frustrated with myself. I can't believe I let this evening go so far... I just feel so horrible about throwing all the skills I have learned this far away for a night of crazy eating...
Dear Lord, I am sorry for abusing my body this way. Tonight was not supposed to happen like this. You know my heart, Lord. You know I didn't intend for this to happen. I am sorry for letting You and myself down. I will use tonight as an example and lesson. An opportunity to grow. Please forgive me for the mistakes I made tonight, and please grant me the strength and courage to carry on tomorrow as a better and wiser servant. Help me also to forgive myself and to use tonight as a learning opportunity. I love you and thank you for giving me second chances. Love, Me.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Big fears...
So big things have happened since last I blogged on my weight loss journey.
As of today, I have officially made it 2 weeks on the PRISM program! Today, I started my third week, and while it's totally scary to think about - I'm super excited for what the future holds!
As of today, I am no longer allowed to weigh myself on the scale - not until the end of the first phase anyways. So that means I have another 4 weeks to go. You wouldn't think it'd be that hard, but holy guacamole! Is it ever hard.
I keep wanting to see if I lost any weight between yesterday and today. Not to mention the feeling of power you have when you know exactly what you weighed in at in the morning. Unfortunately, that's all done for the time being. On the other hand, I'm really ready for the scale not to rule my life. I wake up every morning, hesitant and yet keenly aware that I must weigh myself to see if I've progressed at all in the past 24 hours.
It's a huge disappointment and frustration if the scale reveals anything but a substantial loss. My whole resolve takes a huge hit and I begin questioning my intentions, my progress, and my commitment. I start wondering if my diet is flawed, or if I'm doing something wrong - maybe I should be starving myself more... perhaps I should be exercising two times what I am now, or maybe I should be drinking more water, or sleeping more... I begin pondering where I've gone so wrong, that I can't manage to lose a measly ounce.
And yet, at the same time, I haven't gained anything. And I've made that my resolve all along - I will never weigh more than I do today. And I haven't! Every day I've been on PRISM, I've ever been losing or plateauing. But I haven't gained weight. And that is good news. That means that this is working and it's manageable.
My largest frustration at the moment is the fear that this is as low (weight-wise) as I'll ever be. I'll never weigh less than 200 lbs, and I'll never make it to my "right weight." That my weight loss has halted and this is where it will stay forever. I cannot even express how frightened I am of that fact. That no matter how much I exercise, or how little I eat, or how much water I drink... I'll always be fat. That this is the way I am - I was born a fatty, and that's the way I'll always be. What an incredibly horrible and frightening place it is to be in my head sometimes.
And yet I know that I can succeed if I stick with the changes I've made in my life. If for nothing else, I know that I can maintain a 'more-healthy' 250-some pounds instead of my original 280 lbs.
As time goes on though, I can't help but want to incorporate new healthy aspects into my life. I'm considering starting some at-home pilates, using the stretches, poses, and moves to build up my strength and endurance, as well as improving my flexibility and range of motion. It's difficult to perform certain activities when your joints only move so far or when they start hurting after 'too much' exertion. I'm hoping that if I do start some pilates, that the moves will really accelerate my overall healing process.
Additionally, I want to keep finding and making new recipes for my healthy living changes. I need more lunch ideas and dinner recipes, so I can make new and interesting dishes every day. I want to learn how to use avocados in dishes, and have also been intrigued by kale. I want to start purchasing better chicken so we can make GOOD chicken dishes on a regular basis. AND, I want to buy a food scale for the kitchen. It's so hard to measure certain foods like cheese and cooked pasta... I want more accurate measurements, especially when it comes to cheese - how am I supposed to know how much 30 g of cheese is!?
So those are my thoughts to date... some scary things, some exciting things, and some things to put on my shopping list... Here's to many better and more encouraging days!
As of today, I have officially made it 2 weeks on the PRISM program! Today, I started my third week, and while it's totally scary to think about - I'm super excited for what the future holds!
As of today, I am no longer allowed to weigh myself on the scale - not until the end of the first phase anyways. So that means I have another 4 weeks to go. You wouldn't think it'd be that hard, but holy guacamole! Is it ever hard.
I keep wanting to see if I lost any weight between yesterday and today. Not to mention the feeling of power you have when you know exactly what you weighed in at in the morning. Unfortunately, that's all done for the time being. On the other hand, I'm really ready for the scale not to rule my life. I wake up every morning, hesitant and yet keenly aware that I must weigh myself to see if I've progressed at all in the past 24 hours.
It's a huge disappointment and frustration if the scale reveals anything but a substantial loss. My whole resolve takes a huge hit and I begin questioning my intentions, my progress, and my commitment. I start wondering if my diet is flawed, or if I'm doing something wrong - maybe I should be starving myself more... perhaps I should be exercising two times what I am now, or maybe I should be drinking more water, or sleeping more... I begin pondering where I've gone so wrong, that I can't manage to lose a measly ounce.
And yet, at the same time, I haven't gained anything. And I've made that my resolve all along - I will never weigh more than I do today. And I haven't! Every day I've been on PRISM, I've ever been losing or plateauing. But I haven't gained weight. And that is good news. That means that this is working and it's manageable.
My largest frustration at the moment is the fear that this is as low (weight-wise) as I'll ever be. I'll never weigh less than 200 lbs, and I'll never make it to my "right weight." That my weight loss has halted and this is where it will stay forever. I cannot even express how frightened I am of that fact. That no matter how much I exercise, or how little I eat, or how much water I drink... I'll always be fat. That this is the way I am - I was born a fatty, and that's the way I'll always be. What an incredibly horrible and frightening place it is to be in my head sometimes.
And yet I know that I can succeed if I stick with the changes I've made in my life. If for nothing else, I know that I can maintain a 'more-healthy' 250-some pounds instead of my original 280 lbs.
As time goes on though, I can't help but want to incorporate new healthy aspects into my life. I'm considering starting some at-home pilates, using the stretches, poses, and moves to build up my strength and endurance, as well as improving my flexibility and range of motion. It's difficult to perform certain activities when your joints only move so far or when they start hurting after 'too much' exertion. I'm hoping that if I do start some pilates, that the moves will really accelerate my overall healing process.
Additionally, I want to keep finding and making new recipes for my healthy living changes. I need more lunch ideas and dinner recipes, so I can make new and interesting dishes every day. I want to learn how to use avocados in dishes, and have also been intrigued by kale. I want to start purchasing better chicken so we can make GOOD chicken dishes on a regular basis. AND, I want to buy a food scale for the kitchen. It's so hard to measure certain foods like cheese and cooked pasta... I want more accurate measurements, especially when it comes to cheese - how am I supposed to know how much 30 g of cheese is!?
So those are my thoughts to date... some scary things, some exciting things, and some things to put on my shopping list... Here's to many better and more encouraging days!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
PWLP: Week Two - Lesson Seven
Personal Evaluation
1. Which weighing behavior can you most identify with? I identify about 90% with the person who weighs every day, especially when on a "diet." I don't obsessively weigh myself multiple times a day - but I do religiously weigh myself at the same time every day, after I wake up and go to the washroom, take off all my pajamas, etc. I will move the scale around several times to see if the number is accurate all across the bedroom, kitchen, and living room. On another note, I am also about 10% like the second type of person who is really afraid of the scale. In fact, I usually have to take a deep breath before stepping on, and I won't look down at the scale until I'm absolutely positive that it's finished 'thinking.'
2. How has this affected your attitude about yourself and your weight loss efforts? I am definitely influenced by my relationship with the scale. I get excited and encouraged about my weight loss journey when the scale shows smaller numbers. I begin to feel frustrated and discouraged when I plateau or show any increase in my weight - even if it's just ounces! Either I, or my diet, have failed if I don't continuously lose weight every morning. The scale either made me euphoric or depressed.
3. Describe a time that the scale has defeated you in a weight less effort. The last time I tried losing weight, last year, despite all my hard work - my weight would plateau or increase. Eventually I got so discouraged and frustrated, I just threw in the towel and gave up on trying to be healthy and lose weight. It was hard to push myself so hard to exercise and starve, only to see the scale move ounces in the opposite direction. The scale definitely dictated my good or bad days.
1. Which weighing behavior can you most identify with? I identify about 90% with the person who weighs every day, especially when on a "diet." I don't obsessively weigh myself multiple times a day - but I do religiously weigh myself at the same time every day, after I wake up and go to the washroom, take off all my pajamas, etc. I will move the scale around several times to see if the number is accurate all across the bedroom, kitchen, and living room. On another note, I am also about 10% like the second type of person who is really afraid of the scale. In fact, I usually have to take a deep breath before stepping on, and I won't look down at the scale until I'm absolutely positive that it's finished 'thinking.'
2. How has this affected your attitude about yourself and your weight loss efforts? I am definitely influenced by my relationship with the scale. I get excited and encouraged about my weight loss journey when the scale shows smaller numbers. I begin to feel frustrated and discouraged when I plateau or show any increase in my weight - even if it's just ounces! Either I, or my diet, have failed if I don't continuously lose weight every morning. The scale either made me euphoric or depressed.
3. Describe a time that the scale has defeated you in a weight less effort. The last time I tried losing weight, last year, despite all my hard work - my weight would plateau or increase. Eventually I got so discouraged and frustrated, I just threw in the towel and gave up on trying to be healthy and lose weight. It was hard to push myself so hard to exercise and starve, only to see the scale move ounces in the opposite direction. The scale definitely dictated my good or bad days.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
PWLP: Week Two - Lesson Six
Personal Evaluation
1. When you have experienced appetite urges in the last two weeks, how have you dealt with them? Usually I pack extra fruit/veggies in my backpack to work, so if the appetite urges overcome me, I'll have only healthy options to fill up on. Alternatively, in the evening when I'm home and the urges hit, I check to see how many calories are left for that day and try to plan my choices methodically and carefully. I don't want to go over my caloric intake for the day, but I want to pick something that will keep me satisfied for longer. Usually I'll reach for an apple and/or natural peanut butter. Sometimes I'll grab a cheese stick, and other times I'll fill up on cucumber - because I can eat a whole heck of a lot of cucumber while taking in only a handful of calories.
2. Will these methods stand the test of time? I think that these methods could easily be used for my entire life. I know that with time I'll find better or easier alternatives to some of my tactics, but the way in which I make my choices as well as what I usually gravitate towards are methods that I can definitely build upon and take with me throughout my entire life.
3. Have you noticed any particular times of the day when you struggle with appetite? Yes, mostly in the later evening.
4. Which time of day or night is it? What do you associate this with? I get particularly hungry immediately after work (6:00-7:00 pm) and usually later in the evening. The only other time I struggle with cravings is during midday at work when other people have sugary treats for snacks.
5. Look up the word "accept" in the dictionary. Write the definition below. "to agree or consent to; accede to" or "to respond or answer affirmatively to"
6. Look up the word "believe" in the dictionary. Write the definition below. "to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something..."
7. Look at the two definitions. Which one will contribute the most to a right attitude? Why? What actions are you taking today to support this attitude? The word "believe" contributes the most to a right attitude, because it refers to a confidence in something, as opposed to a passive agreement in something. Belief is something that comes from deep withing your heart and mind, whereas acceptance can be merely in word (without action or faith to back it up). I am looking at my TRUE YOU mirror every day, and doing my workbook lessons every day as well. In addition, I am looking to my sister and family and friends for support to keep me confident in my objectives and successes. Additionally, I'm trying to find contentment in my changes - not just seeing the number on the scale go down, but also noticing the changes in my body, my attitude, my appetite, etc. All of these actions are leading me to an attitude of believing :)
1. When you have experienced appetite urges in the last two weeks, how have you dealt with them? Usually I pack extra fruit/veggies in my backpack to work, so if the appetite urges overcome me, I'll have only healthy options to fill up on. Alternatively, in the evening when I'm home and the urges hit, I check to see how many calories are left for that day and try to plan my choices methodically and carefully. I don't want to go over my caloric intake for the day, but I want to pick something that will keep me satisfied for longer. Usually I'll reach for an apple and/or natural peanut butter. Sometimes I'll grab a cheese stick, and other times I'll fill up on cucumber - because I can eat a whole heck of a lot of cucumber while taking in only a handful of calories.
2. Will these methods stand the test of time? I think that these methods could easily be used for my entire life. I know that with time I'll find better or easier alternatives to some of my tactics, but the way in which I make my choices as well as what I usually gravitate towards are methods that I can definitely build upon and take with me throughout my entire life.
3. Have you noticed any particular times of the day when you struggle with appetite? Yes, mostly in the later evening.
4. Which time of day or night is it? What do you associate this with? I get particularly hungry immediately after work (6:00-7:00 pm) and usually later in the evening. The only other time I struggle with cravings is during midday at work when other people have sugary treats for snacks.
5. Look up the word "accept" in the dictionary. Write the definition below. "to agree or consent to; accede to" or "to respond or answer affirmatively to"
6. Look up the word "believe" in the dictionary. Write the definition below. "to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something..."
7. Look at the two definitions. Which one will contribute the most to a right attitude? Why? What actions are you taking today to support this attitude? The word "believe" contributes the most to a right attitude, because it refers to a confidence in something, as opposed to a passive agreement in something. Belief is something that comes from deep withing your heart and mind, whereas acceptance can be merely in word (without action or faith to back it up). I am looking at my TRUE YOU mirror every day, and doing my workbook lessons every day as well. In addition, I am looking to my sister and family and friends for support to keep me confident in my objectives and successes. Additionally, I'm trying to find contentment in my changes - not just seeing the number on the scale go down, but also noticing the changes in my body, my attitude, my appetite, etc. All of these actions are leading me to an attitude of believing :)
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
PWLP: Week Two - Lesson Five
Personal Evaluation
1. What are three things you know to be true about yourself that make you special and unique? I am really good at making people smile and feel welcome. I have a really happy smile. I have red hair.
2. Referring to the list above, name an action or personal characteristic which exhibits each trait. I am extremely outgoing and bubbly. I make jokes/laugh a lot. I am passionate about the things my heart is in.
3. Have you ever received negative comments concerning the traits listed above? What do you think motivated the person to say something untrue about you? I've had people tell me that I have an interesting/weird laugh - it was hurtful because I love laughing and smiling. The person I distinctly remember saying that wasn't trying to be mean, they were just making an observation. Since then, I have embraced my unique laugh as best I can and use it often. Some people make comments that I am too overbearing or determined/hard-headed. I do struggle admitting I'm wrong, but sometimes my passion and determination comes off as me trying to be right instead of the former. Sometimes I think that my determination startles people and makes them uncomfortable, other times I think that people don't like the competition or don't like someone being as passionate (if not moreso than them).
1. What are three things you know to be true about yourself that make you special and unique? I am really good at making people smile and feel welcome. I have a really happy smile. I have red hair.
2. Referring to the list above, name an action or personal characteristic which exhibits each trait. I am extremely outgoing and bubbly. I make jokes/laugh a lot. I am passionate about the things my heart is in.
3. Have you ever received negative comments concerning the traits listed above? What do you think motivated the person to say something untrue about you? I've had people tell me that I have an interesting/weird laugh - it was hurtful because I love laughing and smiling. The person I distinctly remember saying that wasn't trying to be mean, they were just making an observation. Since then, I have embraced my unique laugh as best I can and use it often. Some people make comments that I am too overbearing or determined/hard-headed. I do struggle admitting I'm wrong, but sometimes my passion and determination comes off as me trying to be right instead of the former. Sometimes I think that my determination startles people and makes them uncomfortable, other times I think that people don't like the competition or don't like someone being as passionate (if not moreso than them).
Monday, March 4, 2013
PWLP: Week Two - Lesson Four
I swear I've been doing my lessons, the last few haven't had really "questions" (per se) that I could answer in written form.
Personal Evaluation
1. List below the actions you are taking today to stay on the road to the TRUE YOU. Exercising every day, incorporating more fruits and veggies into my every day eating habits, drinking tons of water, prioritizing my life, making conscious choices about where/when/why/how/what I will eat, learning to accept myself but to hold myself to a higher standard.
2. What are some of the negative statements you say to yourself concerning your ability to succeed? How do these statements affect your daily commitment to the program? I tend to get really discouraged and down on myself when I don't see the numbers on the scale decreasing enough - I tell myself that I was just made to be a "fatty" and that no matter how hard I try I'll always be this way. I think that I'm trying another fad diet that won't work for me or give me the results I want, and that I'll wind up being a lost cause like every other time I've tried. Overall, these negative thoughts tend to discourage any and all of my efforts in a given day - regardless of how accurately I stick to the program guidelines or how many minutes I go on the elliptical, I feel like my efforts will amount to nothing anyways.
3. How do you feel about your performance in the program to this point? What are you most pleased about? I am pleased with how the program is giving me structure - a structure that I previously lacked in my life. It's teaching me the importance of discipline and commitment, as well as showing me how to self-motivate and reach higher for myself. I feel like with every day, I become slightly more committed to the program and the 'end' result. I am most pleased with my ability to kick the sugar addiction to the curb and stay off of it. There have certainly been some trying situations, but I've managed to stay strong and for that I'm super proud.
4. Is it difficult for your to do things for yourself? Why do you think you often care for the needs of others before your own? I think that I find it relatively easy to do things for myself, but I tend to be more superficial in the way I take care of myself - I'll spoil myself rotten with candies and chocolates and makeup and beauty products and clothes, but I never take care of my spiritual and physical and emotional self. I think it's easier for me to show other people how to succeed or turn their lives around than it is for me to look in the mirror and see the blatantly obvious right in front of me and take my own advice. I don't want to admit to myself that I was wrong...
5. When you gain control of your eating behavior and lose weight, how will those close to you benefit? My husband will gain a willing teammate in life - someone who will participate in the activities he loves (hiking, baseball, etc.) as well as someone who will be around for a lot longer with a better quality of health. My children will know a mother who looks after herself, both inside and out, as well as instilling in them a genuine desire to be healthy and happy kids. My parents and sister will be encouraged in their own weight-loss journeys and will *hopefully* be able to make similar changes in their own lives. My in-laws will gain a daughter-in-law who will happily and willingly participate in their ACTIVities, not like the bench warmer I currently am. My friends and coworkers will be proud to know me.
Personal Evaluation
1. List below the actions you are taking today to stay on the road to the TRUE YOU. Exercising every day, incorporating more fruits and veggies into my every day eating habits, drinking tons of water, prioritizing my life, making conscious choices about where/when/why/how/what I will eat, learning to accept myself but to hold myself to a higher standard.
2. What are some of the negative statements you say to yourself concerning your ability to succeed? How do these statements affect your daily commitment to the program? I tend to get really discouraged and down on myself when I don't see the numbers on the scale decreasing enough - I tell myself that I was just made to be a "fatty" and that no matter how hard I try I'll always be this way. I think that I'm trying another fad diet that won't work for me or give me the results I want, and that I'll wind up being a lost cause like every other time I've tried. Overall, these negative thoughts tend to discourage any and all of my efforts in a given day - regardless of how accurately I stick to the program guidelines or how many minutes I go on the elliptical, I feel like my efforts will amount to nothing anyways.
3. How do you feel about your performance in the program to this point? What are you most pleased about? I am pleased with how the program is giving me structure - a structure that I previously lacked in my life. It's teaching me the importance of discipline and commitment, as well as showing me how to self-motivate and reach higher for myself. I feel like with every day, I become slightly more committed to the program and the 'end' result. I am most pleased with my ability to kick the sugar addiction to the curb and stay off of it. There have certainly been some trying situations, but I've managed to stay strong and for that I'm super proud.
4. Is it difficult for your to do things for yourself? Why do you think you often care for the needs of others before your own? I think that I find it relatively easy to do things for myself, but I tend to be more superficial in the way I take care of myself - I'll spoil myself rotten with candies and chocolates and makeup and beauty products and clothes, but I never take care of my spiritual and physical and emotional self. I think it's easier for me to show other people how to succeed or turn their lives around than it is for me to look in the mirror and see the blatantly obvious right in front of me and take my own advice. I don't want to admit to myself that I was wrong...
5. When you gain control of your eating behavior and lose weight, how will those close to you benefit? My husband will gain a willing teammate in life - someone who will participate in the activities he loves (hiking, baseball, etc.) as well as someone who will be around for a lot longer with a better quality of health. My children will know a mother who looks after herself, both inside and out, as well as instilling in them a genuine desire to be healthy and happy kids. My parents and sister will be encouraged in their own weight-loss journeys and will *hopefully* be able to make similar changes in their own lives. My in-laws will gain a daughter-in-law who will happily and willingly participate in their ACTIVities, not like the bench warmer I currently am. My friends and coworkers will be proud to know me.
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