Big fears...

So big things have happened since last I blogged on my weight loss journey.

As of today, I have officially made it 2 weeks on the PRISM program! Today, I started my third week, and while it's totally scary to think about - I'm super excited for what the future holds!

As of today, I am no longer allowed to weigh myself on the scale - not until the end of the first phase anyways. So that means I have another 4 weeks to go. You wouldn't think it'd be that hard, but holy guacamole! Is it ever hard.

I keep wanting to see if I lost any weight between yesterday and today. Not to mention the feeling of power you have when you know exactly what you weighed in at in the morning. Unfortunately, that's all done for the time being. On the other hand, I'm really ready for the scale not to rule my life. I wake up every morning, hesitant and yet keenly aware that I must weigh myself to see if I've progressed at all in the past 24 hours.

It's a huge disappointment and frustration if the scale reveals anything but a substantial loss. My whole resolve takes a huge hit and I begin questioning my intentions, my progress, and my commitment. I start wondering if my diet is flawed, or if I'm doing something wrong - maybe I should be starving myself more... perhaps I should be exercising two times what I am now, or maybe I should be drinking more water, or sleeping more... I begin pondering where I've gone so wrong, that I can't manage to lose a measly ounce.

And yet, at the same time, I haven't gained anything. And I've made that my resolve all along - I will never weigh more than I do today. And I haven't! Every day I've been on PRISM, I've ever been losing or plateauing. But I haven't gained weight. And that is good news. That means that this is working and it's manageable.

My largest frustration at the moment is the fear that this is as low (weight-wise) as I'll ever be. I'll never weigh less than 200 lbs, and I'll never make it to my "right weight." That my weight loss has halted and this is where it will stay forever. I cannot even express how frightened I am of that fact. That no matter how much I exercise, or how little I eat, or how much water I drink... I'll always be fat. That this is the way I am - I was born a fatty, and that's the way I'll always be. What an incredibly horrible and frightening place it is to be in my head sometimes.

And yet I know that I can succeed if I stick with the changes I've made in my life. If for nothing else, I know that I can maintain a 'more-healthy' 250-some pounds instead of my original 280 lbs.

As time goes on though, I can't help but want to incorporate new healthy aspects into my life. I'm considering starting some at-home pilates, using the stretches, poses, and moves to build up my strength and endurance, as well as improving my flexibility and range of motion. It's difficult to perform certain activities when your joints only move so far or when they start hurting after 'too much' exertion. I'm hoping that if I do start some pilates, that the moves will really accelerate my overall healing process.

Additionally, I want to keep finding and making new recipes for my healthy living changes. I need more lunch ideas and dinner recipes, so I can make new and interesting dishes every day. I want to learn how to use avocados in dishes, and have also been intrigued by kale. I want to start purchasing better chicken so we can make GOOD chicken dishes on a regular basis. AND, I want to buy a food scale for the kitchen. It's so hard to measure certain foods like cheese and cooked pasta... I want more accurate measurements, especially when it comes to cheese - how am I supposed to know how much 30 g of cheese is!?

So those are my thoughts to date... some scary things, some exciting things, and some things to put on my shopping list... Here's to many better and more encouraging days!