Worried about Rebecca

Lately, I've noticed some people getting a little unsettled about my weight loss. Some people ask me how much more weight I'm planning on losing, and they're shocked when I tell them that I still have another 30-50 lbs to go. Some people have read my blog post about my frustrations and struggles on my journey, and they're concerned because it sounds like I hate my body.

Because I love all of my friends and family, and I'm so thankful and grateful for their unconditional support and compliments, I want to set the record straight, which is why I'm writing this post. If you had any concerns about my self-esteem or my mental stability, maybe you're worried that I'm some weight-loss crazed freakazoid, this post is for you.

I understand how it could seem that I am weight-loss crazed, or that I can't think of anything besides losing the next pound. I can see how people might think that I am unhappy with my body and that all I see when I look in the mirror is areas to work on. I'm sorry if my posts or my journey has come off as anything but motivated by my health concerns.

As I've said before, I was Obese Class III at the beginning of my weight loss journey, tipping the scales at a whopping 280 lbs. Anyone who's anyone would agree that that was an incredibly unhealthy place to be.

That being said, I never hated myself. I have always believed that God had made me special and beautiful, and I figured I was just born to be a "big girl." Everyone told me I was "big boned" and that was why I was a bit larger, and that explanation satisfied me for most of my life. I never dieted when I was younger, though I did try being more active at certain points. I was always taking 'selfies,' and dressed sexy and wore makeup. Heck, I joked about my size with most everyone - who hasn't heard about my 'ham thighs,' whilst I emphatically slapped them!? At some point, however, I became unsatisfied and frustrated with my size. I started observing how I would take dozens and dozens of pictures of myself before I became satisfied with even one - the angle and lighting had to be just right, for me to look the size I wanted to in my picture. It was at a point like this that I realized that I wasn't comfortable with my size anymore.

Every doctor I saw, whether it be for a simple prescription or a full-blown physical, told me that I needed to lose weight. Eventually, it clicked. We bought an elliptical trainer right after we got married, and I tried 'dieting' at home. I tried Body by Vi (Visalus) shakes for a few months, and that failed. I kept doing research and looking for healthy and safe ways to lose weight, as well as familiarizing myself with the process - I wouldn't lose ten pounds a week, and I couldn't get discouraged and throw in the towel part way through the process. Eventually, I happened upon PRISM, and started the program.

I've NEVER tried to lose my excess weight in an unhealthy fashion. I haven't starved myself or overexerted myself to the point of exhaustion. I haven't abused medications or supplements with the expectation that I'd lose ridiculous amounts of weight. Anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE food. I eat all the time - I have clients and coworkers comment about how I'm "always eating."

I didn't start losing weight to be a more aesthetically pleasing person. I didn't decide to lose weight because I couldn't stand the sight of myself, or because I wanted to be more attractive to other people. I did it because I started considering where my life was going - 280 lbs is turning the corner to 300 lbs, a place I never wanted to be at.

I knew I was young and resilient, and to some extent I could reverse some of the unhealthy side effects I'd inflicted upon myself by carrying obscene amounts of excess weight on my frame. My doctor told me that I was in the prediabetic stages, and that they were considering putting me on Metformin to help me lose weight and postpone the onset of adult diabetes. I was on medication to control my asthma. My ankles were weak and my hips would lock and snap sporadically. I would toss and turn for hours in my sleep. I couldn't run or go up sets of stairs without becoming incredibly winded. I'd wear tank tops in the winter and still feel boiling hot, from all my excess weight. I'd single-handedly consume MULTIPLE bags of chips (full-size) in a sitting. I was known for eating six or more chocolate-covered granola bars in a day. I would eat four heaping servings of taco salad in an evening. I would bake a pan of brownies and eat 3/4 of the pan before Josh got home from work. I would hang dry ALL of my clothes, for fear that they would shrink and not fit properly anymore. I worried about wearing my rings to bed at night, for fear that I'd wake up unable to get them off my finger from swelling. I would drink 5 or more rum and cokes in an evening, just guzzling one after another after another.

I was in such an unhealthy place - food had become my god, my idol, my everything.

Today, I love who I am. I am proud of how far I've come, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement. Sure I've lost 80 lbs, but I'm still not at a place of ideal and optimum health for me. I still love my curves and my 'bat wings' and my 'pork roast' thighs, but I don't think it's okay to have excess globs of fat hanging from those areas of my body - this is why my weight loss journey is far from over. I understand that many girls in the world abuse their bodies in an attempt to lose weight to make themselves skinnier and prettier. That's not me. I'm not obsessed with my weight, and I'm not obsessed with weight loss. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to throw in the towel because 80 lbs is 'enough.' Today, I weigh 196 lbs. That is STILL not a healthy weight for me to be at. I am not going to quit part way to my goal because other people think that I look great, and they think that I've lost enough weight.

I am determined to be healthy. I want to be a picture of health and vitality. For that to happen, I need to lose 100 lbs AT LEAST. From there, we'll see what the next step is. My journey is all about re-evaluation and tweaking. I'm not planning on weighing in at 90 lbs - I'm not planning on having my ribs sticking out, and wearing size 0 jeans. I know I'll never be that tiny, but regardless of whether or not I have 'big bones,' my body is not meant to carry all of this excess weight, and I wasn't born to be a 'fat person.'

My inspiration is my sister, Stephanie. She and I are fairly similar in height, build and shape. That's not to say that we're identical, but we're close enough. My sister has an amazing, killer body. She's slim, but not sickly. She's got curves in all of the right places, and she looks like the picture of health - whether or not she thinks so. My sister is someone I want to resemble in size when I reach a healthy weight. NOTE: I am not trying to get to my sister's weight or size, but I feel like I can achieve a similar look with my body. I don't wish for her body, but if I had to tell you one person's body that I think is fierce, it's my sister's. So think about that - I'm not trying to be like Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. My fitness inspiration is a real person... my own sister.

In pursuing and actively maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle, the weight will fall off on it's own. When my body has sufficiently purged all of the excess weight, it will plateau and stop burning fat. It will be at that point that I will enter the 'maintenance stage' of my journey. It's not something I need to worry about or lose sleep over. My body is taking care of the weight all by itself. Someone commented on a phrase I posted on one of my previous blog posts - "I will never weigh more than I do today." This phrase is actually an integral pillar of the PRISM Weight Loss Program that I'm on. The phrase implies that so long as you're adhering to the program guidelines and completing your daily workbook lessons, the weight loss will take care of itself. It may be hard to believe, but as long as I was consistently following PRISM (from January 2013 to August 2013), I never gained an ounce. My weight may have stayed the same some days, I may even have plateaued at points, but I was consistently dropping pounds otherwise. This is why I hold the phrase "I'll never weigh more than I do today," close to my heart. I know each day that my weight loss is taken care of so long as I treat myself right and follow the guidelines. It makes following a program like this so easy. I don't have to do a single thing beyond measuring my food, logging my food and calories, and completing my workbook lessons.

This journey is not just one of weight loss, but one of changing my unhealthy habits and my poor coping strategies, especially with how I use food. The workbook lessons of PRISM address the emotional and mental barriers with overeating and overweight, and help you work through these issues so that you're able to begin using healthy coping strategies and changing the way you view and use food. I'm tired of abusing my body with food, and I want to change these struggles in my life.

So think what you want - that my journey should be done now, or that I'm fanatical because of my lifestyle choices. What's healthy for me, might not be healthy for you. You may have your opinions and your thoughts on what is best for me, but in the end, that's up to my doctor and I. If you have concerns about me, please let me know - I'm nothing if not open and honest about my entire journey, including my feelings and struggles of the moment. So I hope this helps, and eases your concerns and fears about me. My self-esteem has never been better, I'm loving living my life, and I'm happier when I'm being healthy. That's where this begins and ends - being healthy. One day, when we're blessed enough, I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to live until I'm old. I want to reverse any diseases I might have been heading towards. I want to spend more time at the fruit/veggie platter at parties than I do munching on donuts and chips. I want more self-control where food is concerned. I want to be healthy!! It's not wrong and it's not scary or something to worry about.

Thoughts, anyone?!
:)

Frequently Asked Questions...

Lately, I've been getting a ton of questions about what exactly I'm doing to get healthier. People want to know how often I work out, what miracle pill I'm taking to lose all this weight...?

So here is a post for you guys - answers to your burning questions about what has worked for me.

My number one question is what are you doing to look so great? I'm incorporating several elements into my journey to health.
          The first element is the PRISM Weight Loss Program - it's a Christian-oriented program that according to the website, "[is] based on the belief that people with weight problems and poor eating behaviors can be restored to emotionally whole, right-weighted individuals. Through the use of seven key principles, we desire to give everyone the ability to become the person they were created to be. Any program can help you lose weight, but most leave you unprepared to continue after weight loss. You must learn to accept and identify with the "TRUE YOU," the person you were created to be. PRISM® focuses on transforming your attitude about food, the activity of eating, and most important, your attitude about you! This attitude transformation will produce the right actions to support the person you were created to be!"
          The second element I incorporate is care of the paleolithic diet, also known as the "caveman diet." As I truck along, I keep finding more and more foods that I do not tolerate well - namely caffeine, refined sugars, gluten, grains, etc. According to Wikipedia, the paleo diet "is based on the premise that human genetics have scarcely changed since the dawn of agriculture, and modern humans are genetically adapted to the diet of their Paleolithic ancestors. Therefore an ideal diet for human health and well-being is one that resembles this ancestral diet" and "consists mainly of fish, grass-fed pasture raised meats, eggs, vegetables, fruit, fungi, roots, and nuts, and excludes grains, legumes, dairy products, potatoes, refined salt, refined sugar, and processed oils." I am absolutely in love with the recipes from Danielle Walker at Against All Grain - they're easy and delicious.
          The third element I throw in my healthy journey cocktail is 'clean eating,' but more specifically The Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno.

One of the second most frequently asked questions I get is, how much weight have you lost? Since January 2013, I've lost (to November 17, 2013) 84 lbs.

What is your goal weight? I don't have a 'goal' weight. For all of my adult life, I've been obese. I don't know what the ideal weight for my body would be. My initial goal when I started this journey (back in Jan 2013), was to lose 100 lbs. Since I started at 280 lbs, losing 100 lbs seems like a very attainable and realistic goal. Once I hit 180 lbs, I will be re-evaluating - where to go from there. I think that I could probably lose another 20-40 lbs to put be between 140 and 160 lbs, and I think that would be a healthy weight for me, if you take into consideration factors like my body type, the build of my bones, my genetics, my height, and my level of activity. I loosely base my goals on what the Body Mass Index (BMI) recommends for someone of my height, but I don't place huge emphasis on making sure that the BMI is happy with my weight:height ratio, as it hasn't proven to be the most accurate tool to determine your right weight.

What exercise/physical activity do you do to maximize your weight loss? I don't. I believe that achieving health for your body is primarily a function of the type of food, and the quantity of food you put into your body. It is followed by physical activity. I don't work out frequently, in fact, right now, I'm not really 'active' at all. My weight loss has primarily been a function of the type and quantity of food I choose to consume. That's not to say I don't think that physical activity is important, but I don't think that it's the be-all-end-all for you to lose weight. I love going to the gym and working out, but it's not how I achieve weight loss. When I was consistently going to the gym back in the summer, I was attending 3-4x/week, where I'd do 30 minutes of cardio, and then 50-60 minutes of strength training.

Do you count calories and/or food journal? Yes, I do - I've used MyFitnessPal.com for a couple of years now and I absolutely love it. It's an incredibly user-friendly website, as well as app, and has a large database and it's easy for you to add your own recipes and foods. I firmly believe in the accountability of recording everything I eat throughout the day. It allows me to look back on the day and see what sort of things were better or worse for me, and I can look at my nutritional stats from the day and see if I got enough protein and fibre, or if I took in too much sodium. I also firmly believe in calorie counting - I maintain 1200-1300 calories per day, and very occasionally go over. Usually this happens on weekends or nights when we go over to someone else's house for supper. It's harder to control what you're going to eat and what your portions will be, but I do my best.

What foods do you eat most? What foods have you cut out? The following list is what you'll find in my fridge/kitchen on a typical day: bananas, apples, pomegranates, natural peanut butter, spaghetti squash, light mozzarella cheese, frozen chicken breasts, coconut oil, Mrs. Dash Southwestern Chipotle seasoning, plain rice cakes, sweet potatoes, lettuce, carrots, and frozen broccoli florets. As part of PRISM, I am required to cut out all refined sugars and white flours. In the first phase, I'm not allowed to eat any breads, crackers, chips, deep-fried foods, desserts, foods with refined sugars, potatoes (and sweet potatoes), or alcohol. As you progress through the phases, you gain back whole wheat sandwich bread, whole wheat pitas and tortillas, as well as whole wheat hamburger/hot dog buns. I'm eagerly waiting for the second phase, when I get back sugar-free frozen desserts (like Chapman's Lactose-Free and Sugar-Free Ice Cream... om nom nom) a max of once a day, 3x/week. However, I have permanently cut gluten and grains out of my diet, as well as refined sugars.

How many glasses of water a day do you drink? I drink anywhere between 12 and 18 cups of water a day. I am never without my trusty Contigo water bottles (from Costco), or my $5 plastic tumblers from WalMart. Each holds 3 cups of water, which makes measuring and logging easy.

Do you take any vitamins? Do you take any supplements that are helping you lose weight? The only vitamins/supplements I take are a B50 timed-release capsule and Align (a probiotic supplement to help with my digestive health). I do not take any other pills or supplements to aid in my weight loss journey. I believe that weight loss is something that you have to completely commit to and you must do a total overhaul of your life in order to create a lifestyle that will promote and maintain weight loss.

Do you recommend any commercial weight loss products for success? I have only tried Visalus' Body by Vi protein powder, and I didn't experience significant success with the mix. The product itself tasted great, but I couldn't force myself to replace one meal (let alone 2 meals a day) with a shake. It didn't work for me, but I've heard amazing success stories from other people who've tried it. I personally think that you need to do the work yourself instead of relying on a product to do the work for you. You packed the weight on in the first place (whether intentionally or accidentally), and you have to work to get it off. The weight you would lose on commercial products like shakes and pills will not be permanent, because you'll have to take them forever to maintain the loss. It would be great to rely on a quick and easy fix for losing weight, but in the end, it won't last. Work on your life - and see the changes happen before your eyes.

How can I lose excess weight from my stomach? My arms? My thighs? The short answer here is that you can't. You cannot spot "treat" weight from specific areas of your body. If you are truly burning and losing excess fat, your body will burn it from wherever it wants. In the beginning I lost a lot of weight around my wrists, calves and waist. I still carry a lot of weight in my arms, thighs and middle - unfortunately, fat loss cannot be targeted with certain exercises or diets. You can tone and build muscle and target these areas that way, but you won't burn off the fat clinging there with site-specific exercises. Work on maintaining a healthier lifestyle and the fat will start coming off, maybe in areas you weren't wanting it to come off of, but by working at it, you'll eventually lose the fat from your problem areas when your body runs out of other fat stores to burn. Be persistent!

So there you have it! Some of my most frequently asked questions... I hope this helps answer some of your burning questions. I know there may be more questions, and I'm more than happy to answer them. Just fire me an email or stop me in person and we'll chat :)

You're beautiful.

Every time I hear that phrase, I think of PoP Grade 10 Mr. Stappler's class. Raj passionately belting out James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in the middle of science class. It makes my heart smile to picture those care-free days, and yet today it makes me feel compelled to write about a common thing people say to me, especially in reference to the 'old me.' I'll post a comparison picture, or I'll be chatting with someone about my weight loss, and that other person interjects at some point with a comment about how I'm beautiful no matter what I look like. I've heard the jist of that same phrase so many times. Maybe I'm crazy, but I find it kind of offensive, and here's why...

The thing is, before I started this journey, I was beautiful. I felt beautiful inside and out - I never felt ugly or disgusting or repulsive. But one day I woke up and decided that I wasn't proud of the person I'd become - that doesn't just mean physically, but in my eating and activity habits (or lack thereof). I felt sinful and shameful, and like someone God wasn't very proud of. That's not to say that I thought that I was unloved by my heavenly Father, but I felt like He wasn't smiling on the way I'd let myself go. I certainly wasn't being a good steward of the body He had gifted me.

To be honest, I don't want to be talking with you about my weight loss journey or to show you a picture of me from a year ago, and to have you say to me, "you were beautiful then! You are beautiful now!" This journey is not one about beauty - it's about what's right, what's healthy, what's respectful and responsible.

I didn't start losing weight to become "more beautiful" or "prettier." I began this journey to change the person I'd become - someone lazy, apathetic and complacent with her life. I wanted to stop binge eating and abusing my body with food. I wanted to change my bad habits for the better. Sure, those characteristics can hinder one's true beauty from shining through, but I don't feel for a second that I didn't portray a sense of confidence and comfort with who I was then. When you try to reassure me that I was "beautiful then" and I'm "beautiful now," I feel like you're demeaning my journey to something as superficial and shallow as the worldly concept we know as "beauty." I feel like you're implying that this journey was one where I'm trying to reach a superior level of beauty instead of what the mission of this lifestyle change actually is. You know, in hindsight, I don't look back and see someone who was "beautiful" anyways. I see someone uncomfortable in her own skin, hiding behind her insecurities with a personality bigger than life (see pictures below... I doubt you'll disagree...)

I don't want your definition of beauty. I want you to recognize that I've made a healthy change, and I want you to cheer me on. I want you to acknowledge those days that I do look fabulous, but I don't want you to demean this journey to something as meaningless to me as whether or not I got more beautiful by shedding 80 lbs. I don't think I'm more beautiful now, but I do think that I'm a different kind of beautiful. I have found a kind of beauty that comes from confidence and a peace that has always eluded me. I feel empowered and healthy. I feel like a world of opportunities has opened up at my feet, and I feel overwhelmed with everything that I can do with my new body, things that I would never have dreamed of doing before. One of my closest friends gasped and said she got goosebumps when she first saw a particular picture of me from a year ago August - I'm sure it's not because she thinks that I look ugly back then, but I'm quite positive it's because I look almost nothing like the person I do now. That's not insulting or upsetting to me. You can think that I look like a completely different person - I think I look like a different person. That's just an added bonus of my changed lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the 'improved Rebecca' better than the me from a year ago. And how many times did I use the 'weight loss' feature on picture editors like PicMonkey.com over a year ago? Oftentimes, I'd edit the picture several times with that same function just to get my body looking 'normal' instead of being, well, obese. I don't even think about that now. I don't think that that sort of behavior is characteristic of someone who's comfortable in their body, let alone someone who's proud of what they look like...

I don't look in the mirror every day, checking myself out and oogling over how beautiful I've become. I ask myself whether or not I'm happy with the effort I put in the day before to continue on this journey to a healthier me. I ask myself if God would be proud of the effort I put forth, or whether He would rather I put in a little bit extra effort today. I want every day to be an opportunity to be a better me - because every day I'm given on this earth is an opportunity to be a better person for Jesus. Jesus wouldn't make an ugly person - He wouldn't put ugly people on this earth. People are a reflection of God - He hand-made every single one of us.

I don't post my pictures or stories to make people jealous or to have people congratulate me or comment on how 'hot' I am... I do it to encourage other people in a similar position as me. It's not impossible - there are other people out there going through struggles just like you. This hasn't been a cake walk (literally... I haven't had cake in so long... lol), but if you need someone to listen, I'm here. We're in this together. That's what I want my pictures and messages to do - inspire others. Not because I'm SO amazing, but because I know that God has blessed me with a HUGE life changing experience, one that I want to share with others. If I can help even one person to change their life for the better the way I have, then I've done my job.

These comparison pictures are hard pills to swallow. No one wants to look back and see themselves as the picture of unhealth and complacency - but that's where I was. I'm not by any means a picture of health and perfection now, but I'm getting there slowly, but surely...

So please, do me a favor. When I post something about my weight loss - don't tell me that I'm still as beautiful as I was a year ago. Don't tell me that God still loves me as much as He did before I lost the weight. I know you're trying to be kind, but it frustrates me more than anything. I'm still beautiful - but I'm more vibrant. I'm still happy - I just appreciate life more. I still smile - but my smile is more genuine now. I still have a big personality - but I'm not using it to cover up for my insecurities. I know that God loves me just as much as He ever did - but I also know that He's more proud of me than He was a year ago, and I know that He smiles a lot bigger when He sees me throwing off the sin of overeating and overweight, these that I've struggled with for my whole life. You can see that I'm not any happier than I used to be - but I am healthier and seem to be more a part of the moment, instead of an awkward fixture.

I just wanted to share - and I sincerely hope that nobody takes this the wrong way, but I think it's about time we get real. If you have questions or comments, I'd love to hear them :)

Hebrews 12...

I've been feeling super down about my situation lately. All this weight gain, looking like a blubbery square... it's all incredibly disheartening and frustrating. It's that disappointment in myself that grabs a hold of me as soon as I wake up, and releases it's hold on me after I fall asleep at night...

I was up with the sun this morning, getting ready for work and prepping my lunch and snackies for the day. In the still and quiet of the morning, I heard a whisper across my heart... "throw off the sin that so easily entangles... throw off the sin that so easily entangles." I looked around, because the whispers were so clear, I almost thought someone was standing next to me in the kitchen... And then I smiled. Someone WAS standing next to me in the kitchen, breathing words of wisdom across my hurting soul.

As soon as I had a free moment, I pulled up Bible Gateway and searched for "sin that so easily entangles," and Hebrews 12 popped up. Oh heavenly Father - You know what I need long before I even know.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

WOW. What powerful words, especially in light of my current struggles. Jesus says, Hey! Get your act together! Throw off your hindrances and problems, don't cling to them and casually drop them to the ground. Thrust them off your shoulder, and move past them! Persevere, even in the toughest of times. If Jesus can overcome death and the grave, how much more am I able to accomplish with Him on my side!? I must rejoice in these trials, because they are making me stronger.

So this little bit of spiritual wisdom was a huge turning point for me today. I felt stronger in my resolve to turn my waywardness around, and I knew that God was sheltering me in the shadow of His almighty wings, from which I drew my strength and determination today. I didn't feel as down or defeated - the challenges and obstacles I've been facing seemed nothing more than anthills in the face of my Almighty God who overcame sin, death and the devil.

I don't know where you're at today in your commitment to change, or if you've even thought about it at all - either way, I thought I'd pass on this bit of heavenly advice. Take from it what you will, all I know is that it changed the course of my day, and I am thinking that it is going to become my mantra for this leg of my journey. Maybe it could be the difference in tomorrow being 'just another day' for you, versus tomorrow being your best day yet.

What I do know, is I'm doing this. I know I can do it now, and I know who's walking alongside me as I start taking baby steps forward. It's not going to be easy, but at least I'm not traveling this path alone...

As always, if you have questions or just want to talk, feel free to email me (re.ulmer@yahoo.ca). I love to chat...

Good luck!
xoxoxo

Ups and Downs

As with all things, ups and downs are a part of the journey. The downs make you appreciate the ups, and you learn and grow from your downs.

I know it's easy to assume that this journey of mine has been easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey - especially because I portray my weight loss as one colored by success and triumph, and I don't practice the humility that comes from letting people know about my struggles or weaknesses.

In light of how things have been going the last couple of weeks, I thought I might share how this road has been bumpy the last few weeks and maybe others could find common-ground and/or encouragement with me.

Needless to say, the past few weeks have sucked. I don't know exactly when it started or what happened, but all progress seems to have come to a stand-still. After I hit 80 lbs lost, I seemed to plateau - for whatever reason, I became complacent and started slacking off on my strict caloric intake and diet. I started experimenting with paleo recipes and found myself gleefully busting through the doors that these alternatives opened for me. 

As I've trekked along for the past 10 months, I've come to many realizations. I have a plethora of food intolerances that I've never known existed, on top of my exhaustive list of food and environmental allergies. I've come to realize that I can't consume durum semolina, caffeine, citrus fruits, flax, any flour or wheat (doesn't matter if it's white or brown...), or oatmeal. It seems like every day I'm finding new things to cut out or substitute for. It definitely sucks - I'm sure some of you can relate, but for those of you who can't - imagine going to your in-laws house for supper and having one of your favorite dishes - steamed broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce. You innocently and naively dig in, dousing everything on your plate in a 'healthy' (and most generous) helping of cheese sauce. After supper, you're content - just hanging out. And everything starts going awol - your insides start cramping, you're bloated and everything's gurgling. In my mind, I often compare myself to one of those cast-iron cauldrons: swollen and bubbling with some wild brew. Blech. For me, these spells take about 3 days to a week to work out of my system. Yup. So now I'm basically gluten intolerant and/or grain intolerant. Oh it's cool... it's how I roll.

This led me in pursuit of alternatives, especially in light of Canadian Thanksgiving mid-October. I didn't want to miss out on the traditional favorites, such as pumpkin pie. So I stumbled across Danielle Walker's Against All Grain cookbook, and then the obsession began. I had most of the ingredients already in my pantry, and so I began cooking and baking. It is thrilling and wonderful to cook foods for you AND your husband - meals and treats that you both enjoy, but that don't leave me feeling like a witch's cauldron by the stroke of midnight.

Unfortunately, this led me to a crazed obsession with eating as everything was inexplicably delicious. I could eat everything I made, so I'd eat it - nay, I'd overindulge in it. Needless to say, this has been going on for several weeks. My mentality was, "it's good for me! There's no harm in having a bit extra... Meh! Why not I finish off the whole pan... it's healthy!" Wrong. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, actually. I've single-handedly polished off whole loaves of pumpkin bread, 3+ portions of gluten-free lasagna or chicken parmesan in a sitting, etc. I also tried eating some gluten-free, sugar-free protein bars... but I have a feeling that the fun flavors (peanut butter, chocolate, cookie dough, etc.) coupled with the sucralose make me crazy for more... and so I lean on them as a crutch to get through the day instead of eating real, whole foods.

This leads me to this week - feeling bloated almost every day and barely able to move from the cramps that stab my sides when I stand up or walk. I feel like that proverbial cauldron from earlier. I'm in 'comfy clothes' today because I'm uncomfortable and feel obscene, not because I'm trying to be 'fall chic.'

I've gained 5 lbs in bloating from the accidental ingestion of some flour in the gravy at Swiss Chalet last night. Not to mention the 5 lbs I keep gaining and losing... I can't seem to get under the 195 lb mark and stay there. I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not getting 10,000 steps a day... I haven't been going to the gym. I wake up most days disappointed with myself, frustrated and disheartened with my situation. I know this may sound stupid and selfish, but after 10 months of weighing, measuring, and self-scrutinizing myself, you begin to see subtle differences in yourself that others wouldn't normally see. I can SEE the bloating and water-weight - and I don't like what I see. It's a struggle for me to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror lately... The tons of slack I've given myself is practically written across my forehead. I can't afford to go back from where I came - heck, I never want to go back.

I know that there is no one to blame for my situation but myself, but I just haven't been proactive enough to change the road I was on. I can't say that I haven't been motivated, because I don't believe that motivation is something that magically comes to you, or something that's just with us when we wake up in the morning. Motivation is something you make for yourself - something you choose to be. If this wasn't the case, how many of us would actually drag ourselves into work every day? Nothing would ever get done!! And it puts the responsibility on us - to be accountable for our actions (or misactions)...

This hasn't been a cake walk, and my journey is far from over. My big goal was to lose 100 lbs by Christmas 2013 - however, at this rate, I'm not sure that's even attainable. I could possibly achieve it by December 31, 2013, but I'm not sure... it could be a long shot.

My biggest frustrations of the moment are how I seem to be hungry all the time, or perhaps it's just that I'm thinking of food non-stop... I literally have to tell myself, "Okay... at 11:00, you can have XX to eat..." otherwise I'm consumed with the thought of eating. My other huge frustration is how I look chunky... like, when I started losing weight, I was all curvy and delicious shaped... now I look boxy and water-retentive or something... I don't know... And I'm frustrated because I've pushed the scale over the stupid 200 mark again... UGH!! So many frustrations... 

I suppose I should rejoice in these sufferings because it means I'm doing something worthwhile and that in the long run, I'm going to be a better, stronger person because of the trials I've had to work through. Fortunately, I have a fabulous husband who holds me close and tells me that it's going to be okay, not to mention the oodles of family and friends I have cheering me on towards the finish line.

I know that I can do this, but it's exhausting being beaten down so many times in a row - especially after running with my head held high for the past many months. This is not to say that I'm giving up, or that I have it harder than you... but sometimes it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat as you... someone else is struggling and feels frustrated and ugly and like that danged cast-iron cauldron... I know what it feels like! I am in the same spot as you - we're in this together! Sure it sucks now, but if you give in and stop trying at all, you're going to be worse off than where you are now... and while that seems like not such a bad idea in the moment, you'll hate yourself even more after you give in to your weaknesses. 

So I guess that's it... my little story. I hope that you feel stronger and more confident because of what I've written today. I hope that you finish reading this, and make today a better day than it was when you started. I pray that you're able to find peace and strength and clarity to move past your struggles and weaknesses, and that you can pursue your BIG dream and hand-write "victory" and "success" over every area of your life...

If you have questions or comments, please feel free to leave a comment below, or email me at re.ulmer@yahoo.ca. I'd love to help you out, or just listen if need be... 

Mucho love in your general direction.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Once again...

Once again, I come full circle... back to the place I started. Thank goodness I'm not typing this at a ghastly 280 lbs, but my success has halted, and I've been halfheartedly pursuing my weight loss goals.

I really want to get to 100 lbs lost by Christmas, but I seem to have ho-hummed the entire process recently. I've been bouncing between 195 and 200 lbs for the last 3+ weeks... UGH. I am so discouraged in myself. I've lost my focus and direction... I haven't gone to the gym in a couple of weeks, which is probably while I feel like a pile of shit 24/7.

I'm tired, my face is breaking out, I've got aches in my legs and arms and joints, I'm bloated... I just don't feel amazing. And I know it's from my lack of commitment.

I haven't worn my FitBit for a few days, so I haven't been monitoring my activity... well, not that it would matter, as my effort has been virtually non-existent. I know I need to be making it to 10,000 steps a day, and I just haven't been committed to trying.

I'm sort of back at square one - refocus.

Why am I doing this? What do I want to accomplish? Am I happy with the way things are right now? What would I change? What do I want the next week to look like? The next month? The next 2 months? The next 6 months? The next year?

So a prerequisite [in my mind] for refocusing is hitting (we'll call it) 'rock-bottom.' A place where you're insanely disgusted with yourself, where you can hardly take in your reflection in the mirror because the sight of the person there makes you feel slimy and horrible. Once you've reached that point, you can really sit back and evaluate what's going on in a raw and honest manner.

Right now when I look in the mirror, I see a quitter... I see someone who started the race, and some point in the middle decided to sit down on the sidelines and watch a butterfly flit from flower to flower, and then said person decided to have a long-winded conversation about the colors of the rainbow... or something else stupid like that. I see someone who hasn't given life her all lately, and someone who's made excuses for her behavior based on false assumptions and imaginary life.

I'm finding it harder to see the woman who dropped 80 lbs in 8+ months, and who stuck with it even when the going got tough. Right now I'm seeing someone who doesn't mind giving in and consuming that bag of nachos, even though she knows she shouldn't be touching them at all.

I know this may sound dumb and self-centered, but when I look in the mirror I feel fat and I look fat. When you commit to making this big life change, you really get to know your body. You get to know when it's bloated or when it's angry at that extra piece of cheese you ate willy nilly. You know these things. Just like I feel and know how my body's reacting to my lack of interest in it lately... translation: I look fat. Between the unnecessary mental stress that I managed to put on myself in the past 3+ weeks (unrelated) and my inattention to what's going in my body, I've managed to bloat and distort my body into a "fat" smaller version of my old self. BLAH!

This is not okay. These habits CAN NOT stick around. Emotional eating must go. My self-destructive tendencies are getting old and are screwing with my success rate.

I really want to lose my 100 lbs by Christmas... at this rate, I don't know that it's possible... So I have about 9 weeks, and at a rate of 2 lbs a week, it is definitely attainable. I really want to do this... I know it doesn't seem that way right now, and I'm certainly not acting like I give a flying crap about my health at the moment, but I DO care, and I do want to succeed and be the best me that I can.

I think I need to make a revised list of why I want to lose the weight... that way the goal becomes important to me again, as right now I feel far removed from it. That is what I will do... start a new list.

Thanks for listening!!

The grass IS really greener on the other side...

Back in January of this year, I decided to make some big changes in my life. My first blog post on January 25, 2013 spoke of how I wanted to make permanent changes in my life, which would add up to a big long-lasting difference in the way I lived my life there afterwards. I started the PRISM Weight Loss Program at the end of February, and began seeing immediate differences in my attitude and in the little numbers on the scale.

I continued the PRISM Weight Loss Program through two phases, and sort of fell off the wagon shortly afterwards. I realized that the daily lessons just weren't for me, but most other elements of the program created the 'perfect' fit in my lifestyle change. I've predominantly cut my daily caloric intake back to 1200-1300 calories a day, as well as drinking between 8-15 glasses of water a day. I've cut out ALL alcohol, deep-fried foods, in addition to restricting and/or entirely cutting out refined sugars and bread products. I journal my food consumption every day on MyFitnessPal.com, and I've also purchased a FitBit Flex with which to monitor my physical activity.

Today is the day I've dreamed about for years... This morning I stepped on the scale and the numbers read 199.6 lbs... For the first time in years, probably since Junior High school at least, I finally weigh under 200 lbs!!! As of today, I have officially lost 80.4 lbs. I still have a long way to go, another 20-60 lbs approximately, but I am not scared or worried about the future. I know that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and I know that despite the difficulties and challenges that I've had to overcome, this has all been worth it.

I am so proud to share this fact with everyone. I know that people have told me most of my life that I don't look like I weigh over 200 lbs, but trust me, I DID (notice my obvious use of the past tense there...)!! Since I started this journey, I felt very subconscious about letting people know how much I weighed. I felt embarrassed and ashamed... now I feel elated, proud, optimistic and hopeful.

I've never hated myself, in fact, I never really thought there was really anything wrong with my size until the beginning of this year. Everyone who knows me would tell you that I was always bubbling over with self-confidence and attitude, and I definitely didn't hate my body. Oh sure, there were things that I wanted to change - who doesn't? I always knew that God would never put someone on the planet that he deemed ugly or unworthy, and I knew that I was beautiful because of that. But I guess for the longest time I thought that I was "born to be fat." I never really considered the possibility that I was supposed to be anything other than plus sized. My whole life I figured that I would wear XL pieces and would always be doomed to shop in the limited plus-sized sections - always to be too big for 'regular' clothes, but too small for true plus sizes. And then one day it hit me. God had given me this body - His temple - for me to take care of, and I had failed Him miserably. I didn't eat right, I wasn't active - I was a picture of someone who was wasteful and ungrateful and gluttonous. I had become someone my Father would not have been proud of... And that's when I realized that something had to change. How could I be a good witness of my faith to others if I wasn't acting out my faith? Like "Oh ya, God loves you... blah blah blah... Don't mind me as I shovel this bowl of potato chips into my mouth... and OOOO! Is that a donut?? Thanks, I'll take 2... one for each thigh you know..." *wink wink* This certainly wasn't the picture I wanted to send to others, and this wasn't how I wanted to continually spend the days that God gave me...

Some BEFORE pictures...

I weighed in at my heaviest late last year, at a whopping 280 lbs, and a BMI of 42.6. This put me in Obese Class III, as very severely obese. This is especially evident in any pictures you'll see of me taken between August and December of 2012. Here is a comparison of my measurements from start (on the left) to present (on the right):

Waist: 41" (Dec 2012)  |  Waist: 32" (Sept 2013) = 9" difference

Hips: 50" (Dec 2012)  |  Hips: 40" (Sept 2013) = 10" difference

Thighs: 32" (March 2013)  |  Thighs: 26" (Sept 2013) = 6" difference

Calves: 20" (March 2013)  |  Calves: 17.5" (Sept 2013) = 2.5" difference

Neck: 16" (Dec 2012)  |  Neck: 13.5" (Sept 2013) = 2.5" difference

Biceps: 17" (March 2013)  |  Biceps: 14" (Sept 2013) = 3" difference

Overall, that's a total of 33" lost to date.

Back in December, my in-laws took us to the States on a trip to visit my husband's grandparents in Arizona, as well as to take us to Disneyland. When we went shopping, I happened across a store called Torrid. I'd heard of it before from plus-sized YouTube gurus who raved about the clothing and quality. So I ambled in and picked up my first pairs of well-fitting jeans. They were a size 22.

Today, I am fitting into pants size 10-12. My shirts have shrunk from an XL/XXL to XS-M. I've 'under-grown' 2 belts, and have completely overhauled my wardrobe. I don't have any of the same clothes that I had 8 months ago in my closet. My feet have shrunk from a size 11 to a size 9.5-10. My engagement and wedding bands have become so loose, I am afraid that I'll have to take them off soon before I lose them accidentally. Today, my BMI is at 30.2, which puts me in Obese Class I, as moderately obese - however, I am just tenths of a point away from falling in the Overweight category (with a BMI between 25 and 30). 

Some CURRENT pictures...

 

All in all, I think that in all the progress that I've made, God's been holding my hand walking alongside me through it all. I know that He is proud of the accomplishments I've made, and He's beaming because I'm learning to treat my body as His temple - a place to be an honor and testament to Him and the good He can work in even the worst of sinners. I am absolutely certain that He will continue to walk with me as I push on towards the end goal... He is my strength and my song, and in the moments when I can't go any further, I look to Him for the motivation to move forward.

As my reward system, my sister and I purchased Pandora bracelets back in April to give ourselves a special reward every time we achieved one of our goals - without the reward being food. Food is for nourishment, not for a reward, is what I've told myself. I've gotten charms for 25 lbs lost, 50 lbs lost, 60 lbs lost, 70 lbs lost, and today for breaking the 200 lb mark. I hope to fill the bracelet right up with charms to commemorate my journey, and as a pretty reminder every day that I can do this and succeed...

Also as a celebration and reminder of this huge milestone, I'm planning on getting a small tattoo on my wrist with the words: "I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings." They are the lyrics from a song by Third Day called "Your Love Oh Lord." The phrase has become my mantra throughout this journey - when I am unable to continue, I will find my strength and the will and purpose to go on in my saviour, Jesus. It is only through Him that I have lost all this weight, and it will be only through Him that I can continue successfully through to the maintenance stage of my journey. The tattoo will be small and simple, but the message that it will carry is strong and powerful, and something I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.

I am so thankful and grateful for all of the support and love everyone's given me in the past 8+ months. I've received so many compliments and hearty enthusiasm, I can barely contain my joy with everyone's overwhelming support. Please let me know (message me or come chat) if you have any questions or queries about my journey... I've done tons of research, and I'm very happy and willing to help anyone out who may find themselves in the same place I was back in January. 

My next big milestone is when I hit 100 lbs lost from my starting weight. At that point, I will weigh in at 180 lbs. So keep following me on this journey... It's going to be a wild ride!

Mucho love <3

-Rebecca

Daily Diary: August 26, 2013

So it's been a while since I've written some sort of log or journal entry on my weight loss journey, and I think it's important to record stuff like this so here's my most recent update...

I'm currently weighing in at 207.6?? ish lbs. I had dropped to 206.4 lbs last week, but a few days of too much sodium and too many excess calories, coupled with not enough walking or exercising in general, seemed to bring that back around 207 lbs. I'm a little frustrated, because Josh and I leave on Saturday for our week long vacation, and I'm not going to be able to weigh in while we're gone. And while (in a perfect world) I'd love to dream that I could lose 7+ lbs in a week, it's not going to happen. In any event, two or three pounds lost this week would put me right in the ballpark I want to be in to weigh-in under 200 lbs before September 14 (a.k.a Todd and Kelly's wedding). In theory, if I'm good over vacation, I could lose enough to come back and stomp all over that goal... though I'm not holding my breath.

That being said, my BMI is now at 31.6. My last post on June 22 stated that my BMI was at 33.6 - so that's a decrease of 2 points! So excited about that!! I'm so close to finally being in the "Overweight" category (BMI between 25-30 points), it's not even funny...

I'm noticing that I'm struggling a lot with eating during work hours... I can't seem to stop eating at work... today I worked through most of my food before 3, which was really frustrating. I ate my oatmeal and banana, and immediately chased it down with an apple. Then an hour and a half later, I followed it with my cheese and rice cakes... I'm not 100% sure what I can do to avoid this problem - especially since I'm drinking lots of water at work during the day... it's not like I'm thirsty and confusing it with hunger. I'm not quite sure how to rectify this... I know that the oatmeal and banana are filling - I don't need to be immediately chasing my food down with another snack immediately - I think it's purely a mental thing.

My workouts are going well. They are becoming a more 'regular,' if not 'habitual,' occurrence. I am liking going 3-4 times a week, preferably 4 times a week, since that allows me to complete my workout a full 2 times each week. I felt a little bored with my routine tonight, which makes me think that I need to switch some things up... I did my legs/abs/shoulders workout today instead of my arms/chest/back workout, and it was a nice change from the predictability of my workouts. I think I need to change up some of my exercises, to create some variety and some excitement.

Josh took me to buy my first pair of hiking shoes on Sunday. I'm so excited to use them to go hiking with him on our vacation next week. I can't believe that I asked him to take me for hiking shoes - I never would have done that before, but now it's something I really really want to do.

I've really started to love myself. Every day I look in the mirror to see if my stomach has sucked into my body... hopefully one day my stomach will be flat - it's so close, but I still have a ways to go. My legs are slimming down too - not so disproportionate, more slim and lean... but they too have a long ways to go still. My butt, legs, shoulders, hips, and stomach still have oodles of weight left to lose. But that's what makes me confident that I can lose more than my original goal of 100 lbs.

I'm considering getting a tattoo now for reaching my goal of getting under 200 lbs. Originally I was going to get a Pandora charm, but I feel like maybe a tattoo would be a good idea as well... either way. It's something that's been on my mind more and more lately...

All of my clothes are getting to be too big now. I am having to buy new clothes in smaller sizes constantly. I remember back in the summer I bought another pair of capris from Reitmans, because my first pair of size 13s were so comfortable. So I bought a pair of 11s, for the day when the 13s would get to be too big. I tried on the 11s this weekend, and they were almost too big for me now... super exciting, but very frustrating as well...

So ya... that's my little update on life. I am really looking forward to what the next few weeks have in store for me. Hopefully the next time I'm journalling on here, you'll be reading thoughts from a person who weighs less than 200 lbs! That would be so exciting... and it's not that far away either :)

Daily Diary: June 22, 2013

At the end of April, I wrote this in one of my daily diary entries:

"...I just looked up my BMI score. Back when I started my weight loss journey or lifestyle change, the heaviest I weighed in at was 280 lbs. According to the BMI, I scored 42.6, which is considered Obese Class III (very severely obese). Last week, I weighed in at 235 lbs, and my new BMI score is 35.7, which falls in the 35 to 40 range, and classifies me as Obese Class II (severely obese). However my new BMI score is dangerously close to falling in the 30 to 35 range, referred to as Obese Class I (moderately obese)."

 I weighed prematurely today, but I am now 222 lbs, and my BMI score is now a whopping 33.8. Which snuggles me right into the Obese Class I (moderately obese) category. I never thought I'd be excited to say that, but I am so ecstatic to be dropping inches, pounds, and points on the BMI. I know it's all leading to a healthier, happier me!

I am a little bummed out that I weighed in a week early, but I feel that it was for the best. I didn't know where I was at with the whole move and such, so I wanted to set a baseline to go from. I feel a little disappointed with the number that popped up on the scale, but at the same time, I'm so happy for any loss. I feel like I can make this week absolutely amazing and come up with another big loss by Friday. My goal is to lose another 2-3 lbs this week so that I come in under 220 lbs. Wouldn't that be fabulous!?

Unfortunately, the last two to three weeks have really sucked for me. Not sucked as in what I've eaten and what I've done, but sucked in that I haven't been reading any of my PRISM lessons, and I can feel certain edges of my resolve weakening. I know that the lessons are incredibly beneficial for my emotional and spiritual well-being throughout this journey and to be avoiding them and putting them off is not building a good foundation for the changes I'm making.

As a result, in the past two weeks I've seen a 3 lb loss, which is fabulous, but I could also be doing better. I feel that in large part, I owe this small triumph to my consistent eating habits and good choices. However, I've definitely slacked off in the following areas:
- Taking my pill every day
- Taking my B50 supplement every day
- Reading my PRISM lessons daily
- Drinking 8+ glasses of water a day
- Exercising for 30+ minutes/5 days a week

With all the rain and the move, I haven't really tried to find time to exercise. And I've told myself that it's okay because I'm packing and moving boxes and it counts towards my daily physical activity. It totally does, but I'm not supposed to clean and pack and move INSTEAD OF exercising - it should be a welcome addition to my exercise routine. I'm frustrated because this  move might have been easier, had I been more active in the days leading up to our possession date, not to mention the stress relief that I would get from a nice long brisk walk.

There is so much room for improvement this upcoming week. I really want to work on my water intake, and I want to make sure I'm taking my pill and my B50 supplement every day. I also want to get in some exercise, weather permitting. And I really want to get back to my PRISM lessons.

Kthxbye <3

PWLP: Week Fifteen - Lesson One

Personal Evaluation

1. "What are some new ideas or suggestions of which you have been "skeptical"?     I wasn't particularly skeptical over any new ideas or concepts. The only thing I was a bit doubtful over, was doing the lessons every day.

2. How can focusing on the possiblities and isolating the problems help you to accept these new ideas?     Instead of completely rejecting a new idea, I will look at how it can work for me and appropriately approach it. This will allow me to be open to the new concept, without completely dismissing it because it's not familiar or acceptable to me immediately.

3. Select one idea from your answer to question one. Isolate the problem with implementing this idea. Now, explore the possibilities! Describe how and hen you will give this idea an opportunity to work in your life.     It's already happened.

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Seven

Personal Evaluation

1. Which of the three reactions to the "yellow lights" do you most closely relate to in your weight loss journey? Why?    I think I relate most to the analogy where the person hesitates first and then either guns it through the intersection or stops abruptly. I think that I spend too much time over-thinking this stuff, which leads me to hesitate first. I really want to consider if I'm doing things right or if I should be putting on the brakes and making changes first. Sometimes this is a problem, but othertimes it's useful for goal-setting and evaluating my progress.

2. Describe how you are focusing on your destination.    I use events and timelines as encouragement to keep moving towards my destination. Things like overnight trips to Canmore with friends, Todd and Kelly's wedding in September, Joana's wedding next June?, Andrew and Heather's wedding next August, all motivate me to keep pursuing my goals and not letting them fall under the radar. I use these events as motivation to remain positive, optimistic, and committed to my lifestyle change. I can use these situations to fuel my desire and give myself 'mini' goals that are more attainable, and will allow me to see the progress I've made in a comparative way, rather than a numerical one.

3. How much attention are you paying to the "intersections" and "cautions" on the road to the TRUE YOU? How has this affected your progress?    Sometimes I am completely oblivious to the intersections and cautions on this journey - this makes me too complacent and not serious enough about arriving at my destination in a timely fashion. I feel like sometimes I'm too passive about the journey and destination, and I pay little heed to moments to stop and reflect on my success - as well as regrouping to figure out where I went wrong and how to rectify it to best benefit my journey as a whole (here's where that hesitation from question 1 comes in handy...)

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Six

Personal Evaluation

1. Describe some situations you have experienced where it was difficult to abide by your Agreement of Resolution.    I mostly find it difficult to follow the program guidelines when I'm at my in-laws' house, or just out with my in-laws in general. I don't really want to abide by he rules, and I tend to overindulge and eat too much every time I'm with them. One night after we did our home inspection, we went out to a bar for some drinks and quick eats before heading to floor hockey. I was so hungry, because it had been a long time since last I ate, and though I was ready to cave in and buy some wings or something, I stayed strong and didn't indulge in any bar food at all. I waited until I got home and had a healthier meal here.

2. How did your right actions in those situations reinforce your resolution for change?    In hindsight, I'm really thankful for choosing to go home and eat some good, clean food from here. Deep-fried food tends to make me feel really disgusting, so I am happy that I made a healthy decision despite the fact that it was really difficult to make in the heat of the moment.

3. List at least five things about life that you appreciate more today than you did three months ago. Which ones have you experienced TODAY?    I appreciate long walks outside, fruits, weighing less, eating food from home, and chunky salsa. I went on an hour long walk with my husband tonight (despite the fact that I am sick...), I ate fruit today (apples and watermelon), and I ate food that I brought from home.

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Five

Personal Evaluation

1. Have you or are you slipping into a "comfort zone?" Describe your "comfort zone." How do you feel about leaving this zone?    I have slipped into a comfort zone with my caloric intake. At some point, I guess I decided that I'd lost a lot of weight and so it was okay for me to start eating ridiculous amounts each day. I became really complacent about how much I was eating and what I was eating. I've managed to overcome it though, which makes me really happy.

2. What risks will you take if you decide today to "break out" of your "comfort zone"?    I've already broken out of my comfort zone.

3. What results and rewards can you see if you make that decision today?    I will continue on the right path towards losing weight and becoming a healthier individual. More energy.

4. Compare the risks of leaving your "comfort zone" with the potential risks and rewards. How do they compare in importance when you think in terms of the rest of your life?    N/A

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Four

Personal Evaluation

1. How are you feeling today about becoming all you were created to be?   Hopeful, encouraged, optimistic. I feel a great sense of longing to meet this person.

2. How do your feelings affect your willingness to focus on your goals?    Sometimes my feelings do not affect my willingness enough. I feel that too often I push my enthusiasm and hopefulness aside, and let laziness and complacency reign freely. Instead of using my motivation to fuel my focus, I toss it aside and feel disappointed when I don't perform the way I want to each day.

3. Do you see any correlation between motivation and willingness to take a risk? What does this mean to YOU?    Motivation and willingness go hand-in-hand. Your motivation will fuel your willingness and vice versa. I definitely need to self-motivate and be willing to focus more on my goals, and in doing so I'm going to see a lot more progress than I'm currently seeing.

4. How has today's lesson motivated and inspired you?    I found it really interesting to read that you only need an extra 5-10 minutes per week of exercise to break through a plateau. That was really encouraging for me because sometimes I worry about getting stuck in a rut, and having to slave over my exercising to try and break free.

5. What actions will the above motivation and inspiration produce in your life?    I really want to exercise more. I want to commit to 5 min/day, 5 days a week, so that I can feel better. I feel crappy and sluggish too often, and I really want to be progressing myself again. I feel that once I can master this, increasing my exercise time by 5-10 min/week, will make a lot of difference, especially if I get stuck in a plateau.

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Three

Personal Evaluation

1. Describe some of the risks that are involved in making a commitment to the TRUE YOU.    Not being able to eat foods I once did in favor of living the TRUE ME lifestyle. Alienating myself from my family/friends/coworkers at social gatherings. Not identifying with some of the people I know in the same ways anymore.

2. Do any of the above risks have their roots in your past weight loss failures? If so, how?    The first one, about not being able to eat certain foods anymore, was a stumbling block for me. It was always really hard to give up the foods I knew I should stay away from, and usually giving in to them was the reason I fell off a diet/lifestyle change in the past.

3. What are you risking by learning more about yourself? What risks are involved in learning more about how to succeed in your weight loss efforts?    I am risking more self-awareness (which can be both good and bad). I will be able to expose those deep-rooted fears and lies that I've told myself (and believed) all my life. I'll be able to see myself for who I really am, which isn't always pretty. I am also risking learning more about myself in that I'll know things I never did before, in that certain foods might be taboo for me, etc. Basically, all of the risks revolve around cutting things out of my life that I previously held near and dear to my heart. Changing lifestyles will mean changing the old ways I am used to doing things and making changes to better myself and my health. This will mean giving up things that I once (and still do) love and adore, but it will be for the better.

4. Do any of the risks described above involve pain? If so, what kind of pain and how does that make you feel?    They all involve emotional/mental pain. Not physical pain, that's for sure, but a mental sadness and grief for what has been lost, and the tremendous amount of work I still have left to do. This makes me feel frustrated and discouraged sometimes, but it also makes me feel optimistic and hopeful for the person I hope to one day be, as well as the HUGE amount of growing I have left to do.

PWLP: Week Fourteen - Lesson Two

Personal Evaluation

1.  Which of these attitudes of satisfaction, if any, have begun to surface in your life or thoughts?    I think that to some degree, all of the attitudes of satisfaction have started to surface in my life.

2. Are there other attitudes or actions in your life that have created plateaus or roadblocks in your journey?    Lately, we've been going out more for meals - this creates problems when I'm logging calories (as in the food items aren't in the database or located in an online nutritional guide, or the caloric value is way higher than I originally estimated it to be and I go over my calories, etc.) and in my overall feeling for the day. I feel that lately I've been more bloated, experienced more digestive problems, felt more sluggish and complacent, and in general, haven't been a good steward of my body. I feel that using 'eating out' as a crutch has caused me to reach a plateau, both in weight loss and in mental/emotional growth.

3. How can you HONESTLY begin to confront these attitudes?    I need to revisit Phase 1 and work through some of the lessons again. Phase 1 really brought my issue with food into focus, and I feel that in revisiting those lessons, I'll be able to refocus myself towards my goal. Additionally, I need to stop eating out or binge eating at my in-laws' house. I need to get control over what goes into my body, and not be so complacent about it. I need to get back into the swing of things with regards to my exercise, and in general, I need to be taking this all more seriously than I currently am.

4. Describe some areas of new personal growth which have helped you avoid plateaus of satisfaction.    N/A at this moment.

PWLP: Weel Fourteen - Lesson One

Personal Evaluation

1. Before today, did you feel you had reached a plateau in your journey? What things contributed to this feeling?    I felt like I reached a weight-loss plateau, and a learning plateau. I feel like I became complacent with the program and haven't been progressing in learning or growth the way I wanted to. Giving in to temptation, cheating on my program (picking at foods, weighing myself too often), etc.

2. After reading today's lesson, how have your feelings about plateaus changed?   It made me understand that plateaus aren't just about the physical, but they're also about the emotional and mental... I can have stunted growth in the mental and emotional aspects of my journey as well...

3. In the past, how have you allowed plateaus to discourage or completely end your weight loss effort?    In the past, seeing the scale stop moving was incredibly frustrating. I thought about all the effort I put in only to have not received any positive results, and I thought - why am I doing this to myself?! Why would I put all this effort in to get nothing back? It was so discouraging that I often threw in the towel long before I was even close to making any sort of progress...

4. How will your new understanding prevent this from happening again?    I understand that plateaus are part of the journey - both in the physical and mental sense. I can also appreciate that while I may be stunted in my weight loss, I can keep growing and learning and in that way, my plateau is less significant to my overall journey. I also know that by maintaining this lifestyle change, I will not plateau forever... my body will keep using this lifestyle to propel my weight loss forward.

PWLP: Week Thirteen - Lesson Seven

Personal Evaluation

1. What have you learned about physical hunger and how it applies to your personal eating behaviors?    When I'm hungry, I eat. I don't deprive myself. Physical hunger doesn't mean I have to eat an entire 5-course meal, but it does require me to snack and nourish myself so I can continue throughout my day comfortably.

2. Are you still experiencing times of physical hunger? How often? Do you think you might need to increase your level of physical activity? If so, how will you do this?    I do experience physical hunger, after 2-3 hours of eating. I eat approximately every 2-5 hours a day, and this prevents me from feeling too hungry, but also prevents me from feeling 'stuffed.' I do need to increase my daily physical activity - and I want to start (again) by doing 5 minutes/day on the elliptical trainer 5-7 days a week.

3. What have you learned about how you react or respond to your own emotional "hungers"? How has this affected your progress?    When I feel emotionally hungry, I usually give in and try to satisfy my desires in whatever way I want. If I was sad or happy or mad, I would give in to my emotions and comfort myself with food in outrageous quantities. It has been a challenge for me to overcome these habits, but with time and practice, it's gotten easier.

4. Can you identify any negative statements you are making concerning your emotions and how they affect your eating behaviors? List them. Now, for each negative statement you listed, create a true positive statement to replace it.    N/A

PWLP: Week Thirteen - Lesson Six

Personal Evaluation

1. Describe the feelings you had when you first realized the ways in which self-sabotage has contributed to your lack of success sin the past. What changes have you made in your life to overcome self-sabotage?    I felt frustrated and disappointed with myself - mostly because I had let these bad habits rule my life for so long. They dictated everything about me, and caused me to become someone I didn't even like. By following the PRISM program, I've learned how to identify self-sabotage and how to remain optimistic and hopeful for the future - not allowing self-sabotage to dictate my life anymore.

2. Describe the types of eating behaviors which you have put off from your life. Which emotions have you experienced as a direct result of these actions?    I am attempting to stop "social eating." I have stopped eating foods that I know cause digestive unrest in me. I have virtually stopped picking at foods - but rather dish up my portions first, and eat what I'm served. As a result of these changes, I've felt more control and happiness in my life. I feel like, for the first time, my life is not being dictated by uncontrollable forces or desires.

3. What areas of weakness do your temptations reveal? How do the program guidelines and P.R.A.Y. help you strengthen and overcome these areas?    N/A

PWLP: Week Thirteen - Lesson Four

Personal Evaluation

1. Can you think of people in your life who exhibit a "hyped up" attitude? What are some things they say or do that reveals this trait in them?    Sometimes my family has the hyped up attitude. As long as things are going smoothly and according to plan, they do really well. But as soon as there's a little hiccup in the road, they sort of jump off the tracks.

2. Can you think of people in your life who exhibit a genuine, hopeful attitude? What are some things they say or do that reveals this trait in them?    Glenna. She's committed to her lifestyle despite the ups and downs. She knows that some crappy things happen along the way, but she also stays on track despite treating herself every once in a while.

3. What evidence do you see in your own actions of a "hyped up" attitude? A genuine, hopeful attitude? What can you do to transform your "hyped up" attitudes into genuine, positive attitudes?    Sometimes I live too much in the goal instead of the daily effort I need to expend.

PWLP: Week Thirteen - Lesson Three

Personal Evaluation

1. How did you arrive at your "right weight" number?   I used the body mass index to create a range of ideal weights for a female of my height (5'8"). On the one website I came across, it said for someone of my height, the ideal range of weight for a small framed woman would be 126-139 lbs, a medium framed woman would be 136-150 lbs, and a larger framed woman would be 146-167 lbs. Weightwatchers.com suggested that an ideal weight would be 132-164 lbs. In taking this into consideration, I determined that a healthy 'first' goal on my weight loss journey would be 180 lbs, because it was exactly 100 lbs down from where I started at my heaviest weight. I figured that once I reached 180 lbs, I could regroup and see if pursuing a weight less than 170 lbs was attainable. I haven't weighed less than 200 lbs in a long time, so I figured I'd take this one step at a time.

2. Do you have any fears or doubts about your ability to reach and continue at your "right weight"? Describe them.    Yes, I do have constant nagging fears about my ability to get to 180 lbs. I worry that I'm a person who's destined to be fat forever - that I'll never be able to lose this weight. I worry that I was born to be 'bigger' than everyone else... that I will always have to buy clothes in the plus sized section, that I'll never be able to wear a bikini, or have slender legs, or have a flat stomach. I worry that I'll get just under 200 lbs, and I will hit a plateau - and I won't be able to lose the full 100 lbs I originally set out to lose.

3. Have you thought about a "weight range" that would be right for you? What do you think that range is?    At this point, I'm not really 100% sure what that weight range would be. I haven't been less than 200 lbs in a long time, and I can't say that I know if I'm supposed to be closer to 140 lbs, or 160 lbs, or 180 lbs. Personally, I think that a good starting point for me is to just weigh in at less than 200 lbs. Once I reach that point, I can regroup and decide where to go from there.

4. Have you had a "body composition analysis" performed? If so, how has that helped you answer the above questions? (If not, please consider it. It will help you work through these questions).    No, I haven't had a body composition analysis done before. I would like to try it though. I wonder where you get one done... maybe at a gym.