So, it's been a while since last I posted a personal 'journal entry' on here. And I feel like, to some degree, I'm losing my drive for all of this. Not that I'm quitting - please do not confuse me here. I'm still committed to this lifestyle and the changes I've made... I just notice myself getting lazier and cheating the program guidelines a little.
Mostly, I recently cut my calories back to the recommended 1200/day, after I broke 250 lbs; however, I seem to be struggling with keeping myself accountable at that 1200 calories. I usually give myself a hundred calorie buffer - anywhere between 1200-1300 calories is acceptable, and while I do think that's completely reasonable, I just notice myself leaning further towards the 1300 mark every day. It's almost as if I'm trying to get as close to 1300 calories as I can without actually going over. And the thing that bums me out so much with that, is that's how the OLD me used to think. I'd try to squeeze every last drop of food that I could into my day, and I feel like I'm doing the same thing here. What's incredibly frustrating is that, if I'm actually that hungry or that needy for food in my system, I should be cramming myself full of vegetables and fruits - those things that have relatively little caloric value but pack a big nutritional punch. I notice myself eyeballing the more unhealthy options of allowable food more often than not, especially when it comes to protein. Additionally, I've noticed myself looking forward to eating bread - which absolutely petrifies me. I don't want to become addicted. I want to have a piece, be satisfied and then move on. I don't want to be consumed with thinking about how I can get another piece of bread into my meals. For that reason, I've decided that I'll be allowed 1 serving of bread a day (sandwich bread or whole-wheat tortillas), except on special occasions... and even then, I don't know when I'd need more than a serving of bread a day.
Additionally, I've noticed myself losing momentum with my exercising. Maybe it's just me, but this is definitely hard work. If I let myself have a 'day off,' I almost immediately revert to being a couch potato. Today, I dragged myself on the elliptical for 5 minutes, but the whole time the voice in the back of my head kept taunting me like, "Feel that twinge in your ankle? Oh, it's getting ready to hurt man. You better not overdo it here... oh! And there goes your knee too. No one's going to discredit you for trying - at least you did a minute instead of no minutes... Right?" And the whole time, I'm entertaining these thoughts, but in reality, nothing's wrong with me, and the exercise is what I need.
I'm also bummed out with my water intake lately. I've barely been making it over the 8 cups a day mark, and I'm not sure why. I definitely don't want to push myself over 12 cups a day... 14 at absolute max. In any event, I'm struggling to get those 8 in, and I can feel myself being dehydrated and more cranky. Maybe it's because I haven't been using my plastic glass that Eliza gave me at work... I've been drinking out of these stupid plastic water bottles, and while it's convenient to track my water consumption - I don't think it's as good tasting or something as water out of a clean glass.
All in all, I'm frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm not progressing at all - like I've plateaued, and it's discouraging. I want to feel like I'm making changes still, not like I've hit the bottom and this is as far as I can go. It's in moments like this where I entertain the fear that maybe I will be fat forever. Maybe I won't be able to lose all this weight, and maybe nothing is changing anyways.
And yet, I'm still curious to see where this takes me. I just need to recommit and refocus. I need to get back on track with my eating, be more creative with my food choices - keep myself interested, and get back to exercising again. I need to find a goal and work towards it so that I don't get discouraged with the results that I am seeing. I need to focus more often on my TRUE ME picture, and remind myself of why I started in the first place...
Ugh, this is so hard.
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